I Can't Win for Trying

Have you ever been in a situation where no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try or how much you compromise, you just can't win?

And these situations are always the ones where each person you speak to about it gives you conflicting advice.  So you suck it up and try every single piece of advice you're given, to no avail.  And the most painful thing about all this advice is that everybody is so sure you just haven't been trying hard enough or doing it the right way.....all completely oblivious of just how hard you actually have been trying.

Well the other day someone said the most revolutionary thing to me.  "maybe you're trying too hard".  I don't think I've ever heard that phrase before.  It seems so completely counter-cultural.  Isn't our whole North American Society built on the tenet of success being a direct result of effort?  That your life is exactly what you've worked to make it?  If you are dissatisfied with your body, work at a diet and exercise plan.  If you are dissatisfied with your job, work harder to make it better. 

But somehow the words ressonated as sound to me.  I am so tired of trying, it's exhausting!  And trying is not getting me anywhere, which is so demotivating.  There should be a "never give up" prize!  It's hard to keep stepping up to bat when you strike out every single time!

So, I am officially done.  I'm not going to try anymore.
Here's the weird part, making this decision has been completely liberating.  I'm not sad, or feeling like a failure - I just feel free and lighter somehow.

Perspective

It's amazing how living a week in a poverty stricken area changes your perspective.  I spent all of last week on a Mission's Trip in Benton Harbor, Michigan.  In true American style this extreme poverty was side by side with opulence.  St. Joseph's, just a 2 minute drive across the bridge reminded me of Niagara-on-the-Lake.

Benton Harbor Vs. St. Joe's

Don't count them totally down and out though, they've got some pretty cool ministries and programs going on, like I'm Saving Myself.

Hardest week I've had in a while: outdoor work with no shade, all week - in an extreme heat warning. Cold showers, with a 3 minute time limit, not that it mattered, I would start sweating again before I had finished drying off.  Very very little sleep... which always makes things feel worse.

There were some awesome highlights too - getting to finish a house, and see our handiwork; swimming in the lake; the foot washing ceremony; Kilwin's ice cream; fireworks in the parking lot....and my biggest highlight - I got a Rap!  Yep, that's right, some of the kids were freestylin' - and Juan rapped about me :) Mostly that I had cool hair, and was wearing a pink shirt, but it was awesome!

It's only a Felony

I spent all of last week in St. Petersburg Florida for work.  Now if you buy the city's advertising, St. Pete's boasts Florida's best beaches, and a great and friendly marine life (including manatees and dolphins) which often comes to shore..... Not that I would know, I saw little more than the inside of the hotel and my office.

It thunderstormed every single day that week, and the humidity kept climbing - even when you thought it couldn't get any higher.  It was stifling, and I feel like that's an understatement.

I had some trouble sorting out a flight home, and ended up staying through to Saturday.  So I found myself late Friday afternoon bored out of my mind, with work completed and stuck in the hotel because of the storm outside. 

To pass the time I decided to make use of the Spa located in the hotel, and get a manicure.  It was a very expensive manicure ($27) which I anticipated as a Spa located in a Hilton Hotel.  So despite the fact that it's about twice the price of a manicure at home, I went ahead and booked it.

I arrived for my manicure, and was introduced to my manicurist.  She was completely covered in tattoos, including one on her bicep which I thought was Freddy Mercury, but it turns out it was Burt Reynolds.  Not a problem or anything, just an unusual look for a manicurist in a Spa in a fancy hotel.  She also had a ring through the middle of her nose, which looked like the ring you find in a bull's nose.  And to top off her look, she had several piercings in each ear, with her primary piercing having spacers in, and the hole was looking big enough to carry the nail polish bottle in it.

Normally when you get a professional manicure, there are numerous steps include a hand and wrist massage some cuticle clean-up, and a soft filing of the nail bed itself, not just a sharing of the nail.  I got a very quick soak, nail shaping file, and then the polish.  That's it.  I paid $27 dollars for less care than I give myself at home for free.

So putting that aside, I was of course chatting with my manicurist.  I have no idea how we got on the subject, but she mentioned that she was ineligible to vote, because she was a felon.  Not the typical thing you expect to hear form your manicurist.  Then she went on to explain that it's not a big deal, it was only a DUI with a drug possession charge.  Trying to take it all in a stride, we continue our conversation.  So we get on to how she can in fact go through a process to have her record expunged, that it takes 10 years and that it can get expensive.  When I suggested that she might want to start the process sooner than later, since it is a 10 year process....she said she had started it, but you have to have a clean record for that 10 year period, and she was recently arrested again for a DUI.

At this point in my experience I was at the tail end of my pretty crappy half service manicure, but I had a strong conviction to smile and say it's great, and tip well.  I was most definitely not interested in incurring the wrath of my felon-manicurist.
  
She was in fact a nice girl, who had obviously gotten herself into a bit of a cycle of trouble.  In retrospect, I wonder if this is an intentional strategy on the Spa's part to ensure good revenue.  Not a bad plan if you ask me - it most definitely worked on me.

The Best Laid Plans

I have always considered myself a very logical and rational person.  In fact I have prided myself on it.
I think my ideal state might actually be Vulcan.

I remember going to a funeral in support of a work colleague who's baby had died unexpectedly.  I was in the car with 3 other colleagues, and I said something to effect of "I think I am a cold person".  I was contemplating how I often find I am not as emotional or upset as a situation seems to warrant.  I actually have a little trick I employ to keep from crying - I do math in my head.  It's amazing how multiplication tables can stave off tears.

So this being my Modus Operendi - I have been a little taken aback this week as I have come to the  realization that I am ruled by my emotions just as much as the next guy, in a very surprising way.

I noticed how I allow the way I feel about something to drive me to believe that thing is true, and find "evidence" to support that feeling of truth. 

For example when I wake-up feeling like I look good today.  Somehow on those days my clothes fit a little bit looser, my teeth seem a little bit whiter, and my hair seems a little bit less unruly.  If I wake-up the very next day feeling unpretty - my clothes feel tight, I often say I feel like I look like a sausage stuffed into a casing on days like that.
In reality, it's unreasonable to believe that the girth of my figure or the whiteness of my teeth can perceptibly change from a single day to the very next day.  Now the frizz in my hair...that's a whole other story.

This holds true for more than just my appearance.  It somehow manages to effect my intelligence as well.  Do you ever have days when you just feel dumb.  On those days I somehow seem to loose a large percentage of my vocabulary, ability to do simple mathematical tasks like split a bill or figure out a tip, and blank out on trivia knowledge I would normally have at the tip of my tongue.

What I haven't yet put my finger on is what sparks my emotional condition on any given day.  Is it like a bowel movement, predicated on whatever I consumed emotionally 8 hours earlier?  Maybe it's all driven by whatever I dream about.  I never remember my dreams, so this possibility certainly makes it more difficult to control.  And there in lies the rub - because without understanding what sparks emotions, how can we work to drive different emotions.

I guess the real power lies in not changing your emotions, but acknowledging them, and behaving as if they weren't there.  Which bring us back full circle to the mertis of being Vulcan.

The Seven Year Itch

It's been 7 years, well in November it'll be 7. 
And in truth, I've been very happy. 
Well, ok, I've started taking it for granted. 
I don't feel that same rush of excitement I used to feel at every look, every drive.  My pride of ownership has diminished. 

And lately my eye has started to wander.
I never thought it would happen to me, and I really have no legitimate reasons to be discontent....
When I signed the contract, I made this commitment for the life of my vehicle - and it's been a very very good car to me.

Ever since I caught my first glimpse of the new Nissan Juke - I can't stop looking.
I don't know why I am so enamoured - but man did I fall hard.

My grandmother always said "love is blind, and lovers can not see" -  I never considered how that extended outside of romantic love.
I don't know a thing about the Juke - no ideas about it's safety rating, fuel efficiency, repair history, resale value - not even how it drives. 
I have completely lost my heart over the superficial appearance of it.

And my mom is shockingly not helping.  My naturally frugal mother, when I told her I really like the new Juke and find myself thinking about buying one more and more often actually encouraged me to go for it!
Who are you, and what have you done with my mother?!?

If this is what marriage is like, oh boy am I in trouble!  No wonder people lease instead of buy.

I used to be Opposed to Gay Marriage....

It's true.

Not because I was on some tyrannical rampage to eradicate the LGBT community, or out of some homophobic fear.  My opposition was never aligned to the limiting of human rights or civil liberties.

I had a hard time with sharing the word marriage. 

I remember having a conversation with a friend of mine around the time when same-sex marriage became legal in Canada.  Probably not unlike how the recent political conversations around the same issue have brought it to the forefront for many Americans these days.  I said to my friend (I can't actually remember who it was I was speaking to) that I would have felt so much more comfortable if the government had chosen to call it something else.  I didn't actually have any issues with the mutual rights, respect or privileges, just the name.

I feel like marriage is a specific religiously defined and culturally adopted institution, but because it remains at it's core a spiritual union - I had a hard time sharing the name.

But the reality is that a percentage of the people who get married, heterosexual marriage - do not necessarily consider it a spiritual union.  I would guess it's a rather large percentage (but I am only guessing based on limited anecdotal information).  So we don't use the word marriage to mean what it was originally defined to mean.  Nobody's ever put a stink up about that.  I never complained or even considered it a problem when it was an opposite sex couple. 

So if we've adopted a relatively civil and non-religious definition of marriage, then what is the issue with once again changing or expanding that civil definition. 

Now before any of my religious friends jump in to disagree - consider that I am talking about a civil definition.  For those of us who recognize or engage marriage under it's religious definition, we do so in parallel with it's civil definition (hence a marriage license).  But not everyone who gets married embraces both definitions.  We've been making a logical thinking error - it's called the "Fallacy of Affirming the Consequent". 

Here's the sad part we have neglected to focus on.  In being exclusionary we've actually been oppressing others.  Where's the love in that?  In the Bible Jesus tell us that the greatest commandment is to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind: and love your neighbour as yourself."  If love is the greatest commandment - how is our deciding that one group of people (no matter what criteria we use to identify the "in group") should be treated better or deserve more rights than another.

Furthermore, we're all equally eternally damned up-front, because relationship with God, and eternal life is not something we have the ability to earn.  It's a gift freely given, and open to be received by all.  Once received, this gift does not equal to perfection or perfect living...and we all continue to struggle through this "mortal toil".

So again, I ask - what right do we have to condemn another?!?!

We live in a world where unspeakable atrocities occur daily.  Children are forced to kill others as soldiers, serve as prostitutes or slaves, die of diseases or starvation.  The majority of the world's population lives in poverty, with limited access to clean drinking water or food.  With no opportunities to be educated or build a better future.....

Imagine the world we could live in, if we choose to focus our energy, individually and collectively on speaking out against injustice and famine and other atrocities.  That conversation is what should be at the forefront these days..... 

Needed Motivation

That is all.

What's in my Head



a word cloud I made using an aplet that took my most frequently used text
off all my blog posts
if you want to make one of your own, check out wordle.net

 



Oblivious

I had Monday off work, and decided to pick-up some groceries on my way to ballet that evening.

I picked some recipes, and made a grocery list of the ingredients.
It's about 6pm,  I'm in my dance gear - which is much more functional than pretty...and I am armed with my list.

I pack my basket full of my items, and make my way to the check-out, with just enough time to spare, so I'm not late for ballet.  This cute guy with protruding ears (like the MAD magazine guy) lines up behind me.  He starts making idle chit chat.

First he says "well we know where the all the chicken went" 
I am totally lost, I kinda smile at him awkwardly and turn back around....then I realize that the lady 2 in front of me has stacks and stacks of packages of chicken.  So now I get it, but I don't really know how to respond, I would looked weird to say something witty now - if I could think of something witty (which of course I can't).

Then I go to put my items on the belt, I am able to fit about a third of my basket on the metal part, and am trying to precariously balance it with one hand, as I load my groceries on the the belt with the other hand. 
So he puts out his hand to steady the basket for me, so I can use both my hands to place my groceries on the belt.  It was very kind, I say "Thank you".

I now go to pay, and my debit card is taking a long time to process.... I say "come on, come on" quietly to the terminal.  He says "I think that's a sign that you should pay for mine" and smiles.
I kinda laugh awkwardly......

(Wow! just reading this makes me cringe....I was so awkward!)

So now, I'm packaging my groceries, and he is packaging his next to me, and I look over and notice that we have selected many of the same things.  I say, "It looks like we have the same taste in groceries"  (seriously?!? what a stupid thing to say!!) and he says "I try".

That ends our ridiculous exchange, and I head off to my car.  I am now in the car and ready to drive away, when he comes out and gets in the car parked right in front of me.  At this point I am so embarrassed at my awkward behaviour that I put on my sunglasses as camouflage (even though it's 7pm, and nowhere near sunny) and drive away.

No wonder I am single......

makes for a pretty funny story though....lol

Marriage - it's not a Fairy Tale

One of the most common responses I get when people know that I hope to someday get married is "Why?"  and many have said that if they had it to do over again, or their spouse passed away - they wouldn't get married.

I think that's kinda sad.

Moreover, I am getting pretty fed-up of people thinking that I am naive enough to think that marriage is perfect or solves all my problems. 

Firstly, I am a child of divorce, and not just your regular "we grew apart" divorce.  The "we hate each other's guts, and had to divorce so we wouldn't kill each other or you in the process" divorce.  My parents divorce was the specific event that got me some peace and quiet, and a stable home.  Things got even better for me when one of my parents moved overseas.

Secondly, I am a therapist.  I have seen quite a bit of the seedy underbelly of pain that is produced from breach of trust and selfishness and the miserable backlash that ensues.

Shockingly that doesn't make me want it any less. 

In my opinion, marriage is an exercise in selflessness, and balancing the needs of  your loved ones with your own.  At it's best -  you don't have to worry about your own needs, because you trust that your partner is taking care of them, and you are able to fully focus on taking care of your partner.
At it's worst - you are unable to see anything but your own needs, and your pain is compounded as you perceive your partner as not caring about any of your needs.
Somewhere in the middle lies the dance of not taking the risk of focusing on your partner's needs until your own needs have been met first (by either you, your partner, or someone else).

At our core, I think we're all pretty selfish beings, even the most altruistic of us.  And it's not only difficult but downright terrifying to have to trust someone to fill-in your needs.  Especially if you have gown-up like me, where there is no one else able to focus on your needs because the people around are drowning in their own lives/needs.  We also drive our society to be independent and reward that behaviour.

So here's the thing, even thinking about/writing about why you have to look out for yourself first is missing the point.
Please don't misunderstand me, I am not in any way suggesting that being selfless is about becoming a doormat, allowing our needs to continually go unmet, and even hurt ourselves for the sake of others.
The point for me is, it's about choosing to put somebody else's needs before your own, without qualifying your action or predicating it on what the other person has done for you, or how they've met your needs.

That's the hard part.

I was sent a really great article that speaks to similar points, from the perspective of a 39 year old first time engaged woman.  If you are interested, check it out here.

So bottom line is - I get it, I know it's NOT a magic wand that solves problems, and can often compound problems.  But it is also an exceptional opportunity for growth, development and fulfillment (and hopefully regular sex)

One Bad Apple

I have often heard the wisdom that you tend to acclimatize to the people you surround yourself with or your environment.
I've been living that these past few weeks.

I said something today that was quite crude to a coworker - and she looked at my like I had just sprouted another head.  It was so out of character for me, that the next words out of my mouth were "I can't believe those words actually left my mouth".

Really, the fact that I even had the thought is shocking, for me.  It got me thinking.

Work has basically been my life for the past few weeks.  I have a whole lot of deadlines this month, and have been working on an intensive project with a group that I would normally spend at most a couple of hour a week with.

These guys are awesome, and I have enjoyed working with them, but frankly the vibe is basically that of a frat house.  The weird thing is, they are very cognizant of my presence, and are very obviously trying to reign it in.  Which I appreciate very much.

But today I realized that as much as I have positively influenced their behaviour, they have also influenced mine.  My mind can't help but jump "there" now.

I don't think I like it.  Actually that's not so much what is bothering me, it's that in my experience and observation, once you cross a line, you very rarely are able to uncross it.

It's true of a lot of lines in life. 

I know that I am not likely to blurt out crude statements moving forward, I'm not worried about that.  It's the fact that I will think them, that I wish wasn't true.

On the flip side, I wonder if this means that if I hang out with uber successful people, I won't be able BUT TO pick-up habits which will make me uber successful as well.

Angry @ my Pants

Have you ever found yourself angry at an inanimate object?  So much so that you couldn't stand to look at it anymore?

I've actually had that experience twice now.  The first time was years ago while I was away on business in Ottawa.  That Christmas we had received a $100 gift card from work as a Christmas bonus.  I took my gift card in early January and decided to use the whole thing to buy a nice purse for everyday work use.  At this point in time it was the most I had ever spent on a handbag.  And it was a beautiful camel coloured Liz Claiborne bag.  I received numerous compliments on the bag.  All in all I was feeling it was a great purchase, it fit all of my work documents, lunch, usual purse contents, etc...

Early March I was on business in Ottawa, and of course had taken my fab new bag.  Day 2 into my week long trip, my bag broke.  That's right, the stitching completely unravelled and the handle came right off the hardware buckle, and it slipped off my shoulder and onto the dirty gravel.

I was Angry!  It was the most money I had ever spent on a purse up to that point in time, and it was my first one to ever break.  While I was away on business, and unable to just come home and switch to another one!
I was forced to purchase, which fueled my anger.
So I went to a nearby Zellers, and purchased the cheapest handbag I could find.  It's important to note here that it was also Liz Claiborne but this time only $10, and I still own it today, several years later.

I was so Angry with the offending purse, that I was planning to throw it out.  I ended up giving it to a friend, who said it was repairable, and shouldn't be thrown out.

Yesterday, was my second such anger experience.  Ironically enough it was another article of the Liz Claiborne brand - this time my pants.

I am innocently using the ladies room @ work, when I notice that the stitching has come out at the seam of my pants in the read-end.  So there's this hole in my pants, which I just notice around 2pm.  And it's pretty low down, so no shirt or sweater is going to cover the offending area. 
Suffice it to say that I did a very good job of sitting for the rest of my workday.

After work, I was slotted to go to my Mom's place.  When I got there, I was so angry @ my pants that I threw them out.  So then my dilemma became, what to wear home, since my pants were in the trash.  I have spare PJs @ my Mom's, so I wore pajama bottoms home.

Here's the moral of the story - if I get angry I like to throw the offender in the trash (so don't make me mad when we're around a garbage bin).

Hopefully it'll be several years before this phenomenon resurfaces again....

Providence

Providence is often explained as God's activity in the world.
It's not an often used word anymore, as people seem to want to leave God out of life and living most of the time.

Even when I want to do so, because things aren't going my way, or life isn't turning our the way I planned or expected.....God turns up through the people in my life in such a powerful way, that I am left completely unable to deny Him.

I am 34 and single.  With no prospects in sight.
The last date I have been on was when I was 30.  That's 4 years ago.
And that date is one of only a dozen I have been on in the past 13 years.

Those dates have been almost entirely disastrous, with two standing out as good dates, and the guy never called me back on either of those.

It's hard not to believe that there must be something astronomically wrong with me - that nobody is willing to man-up and let me know.
Well, that's not entirely true, my Mom's pastor once had some ideas (mostly of the you're just too fat and unpretty for someone to want you school).  I blogged about that self-esteem building conversation here.

It's also hard not to be disappointed and angry with God.  I have really started to feel like He's broken His promises to me.  Or maybe I'm just that horrible at knowing God and hearing His voice - that he never really promised me anything.  It's been my own innermost desires masquerading as God's promises - as if to legitimize them.

And heck, it's not like being a child of God is the ticket to not being single - there are a plethora of married Atheists and Agnostics, etc. out there.

And most hurtful of all, it's hard not to take is as the epitome of rejection.  Not even worth rejecting, just avoid her all together.

I try and avoid talking about it seriously, and mostly just like to joke around about it.  Mostly because it just hurts that much, and secondly because I really really really don't want to be that desperate and bitter old maid.  Even the hint of it turns my stomach.

So at this point in my tale, you might be wondering about the Divine Providence/God's activity and undeniable presence you were promised at the beginning of our journey..... it's coming.....
While I do have a tendency to blog about this a fair amount (I appreciate the false feeling of anonymity), it is not a serious conversation I have often if hardly ever.

Just yesterday at work, I had a colleague come up and ask me how I was doing.  I said fine.
She said, no you're not.  I know you, and you're hurting.  What's up?
So I told her about my disappointment.
Her response, her words and the palpable love I felt from her were a soothing balm. 
It almost felt like talking directly to God as she affirmed my worth to Him and the people around me. 
For a moment I forgot we were at my desk in the middle of a workday.

His presence was undeniable in the moment. 

Now truth be told, I am weak - and I'm not totally over it because of a single conversation.  But weather or not I feel slighted by God today - I most definitely know He loves me, and that matters more than all the other parts.

The Time Warp

For those of you that know me well, you know that I am rarely on-time for anything.

This tends to bug a lot of people, quite a bit - as it is often seen as a lack of respect for the other person and the other person's time.

I know I say it a lot, but I genuinely and truly do not mean any disrespect, either consciously or subconsciously.

I've had several theories about why I am perpetually late, all of which I believe hold water:

#1 - I just try to squeeze way too much into a single day.  I have a hard time saying no, and I hate feeling like I'm passing up something worthwhile, fun or a chance to spend time with somebody -  so I almost always try to fit it all in.  Which ends up being too many things for the fixed hours in a day.

#2 - I grossly underestimate how long the transit time between locations will take me.  This sneaks up on me in 2 ways, it means I don't allot enough time to get somewhere, and then I am always surprised by traffic and travel time.

#3 - I have this waking-up issue, and sleep trumps about 99% of everything else in my life.  I would go hungry to get more sleep, and only get up to use the facilities if I find myself in physical pain.  So being somewhere in the mornings is always a tough act for me.  I hit snooze for a donkey's age, and then jump out of bed late before I even start getting ready.

#4 - My home often feels like a black hole from whence I can not easily escape.  I speculate that it's because I am rarely home, so if I am it must be because I am really tired.  There is something about my place that once inside leaving it again can take monumental effort, and the effort to get up and out takes considerable time which drives the mechanism of lateness even more.

Today, I noticed something that I think can safely be added to the reasons why I am so regularly late.  I think there is a rift in the space-time continuum that exists between my front door and my car door.
I swear it to be true.

Today, I was going out to visit some friends, and we had agreed on a meeting time of 1:30pm.  So I left my house at 1:13pm, I did check the digital clock on my stove.  When I got into the car and turned the ignition, the stereo clock indicated it was 1:23pm.  Now, while I was not timing my descent, I can say with certainty that I did not spend 10 minutes in transit from my front door to my car door.

I know the logical conclusion is that one of the clocks must be off - BUT, I set my stove clock to the TV guide, so that must be accurate. And I set my car stereo to the radio station (and actually I think it's 2 minutes behind, so there is actually a 12 minute lag in time to be accounted for).

I live on the second floor, and park in P@ - so that's 3 stories to descend, plus elevator wait time and let's say the 1 minute it takes to walk from the elevator to my car - that can't equal 12 minutes.

Something is not adding up here....

So the next time I'm late, please know that it's not my fault: between the black hole, rift in the space time continuum, my inability to accurately estimate travel time, and my zest for squeezing every last drop out of a day - it's a miracle I ever make it anywhere at all!

Me, Myself & I

Sometimes it feels like I blog about and complain about being single quite a bit.  And trust me sometimes I feel like being single is like walking around with broccoli stuck in your teeth, and everybody is having a good chuckle at it, but nobody is willing to tell you to fix it.

I have been in Orlando this past week on business, and I decided to extend my stay through the week-end, since I've never been here before.  I couldn't find anyone to come with me, so I took the plunge and decided to vacation alone.

Now if you know me with any degree of intimacy, you know that I can't stand being alone.  I would rather be with people than do just about anything else on the planet.  I score 100% on the extroversion scale on the MBTI, and other personality inventories.

But I gotta say there are definitely some advantages to being single that I experienced this week-end.

#1 - nobody to complain about my snoring, so I can go on pretending that I don't snore

#2 - using the single rider lane in Universal Studios got me on most of the rides faster than the people who paid a LOT of money for the Express Pass.

#3 - many other travellers were starting up conversations with me, I guess that's easier to do with one person than with a group of 2 or more.

I had fun.

Now, don't be fooled - I still prefer being with people 100% of the time, and I have hit the max on how much of my own company I can enjoy. 

So get ready, you'll probably be getting a call from me this week to hang out.

Created to Make a Difference

You might remember that early in September I took the Landmark Advanced Course (Blog post here).  The week-end contained several powerful epiphanies for me.  In Landmark language, I would say I uncovered several blind spots.

One of the most impactful pieces for me was about 2/3 of the way through - early on Sunday morning.  I came to the profound realization that I was created to make a difference.  I am meant to change the world.

Do you ever have moments where you mentally look around at the routine moment in a sea of routine moments and think - "there's gotta be more to life than this"?  I sometimes feel guilty for having this thought, because I actually have a really good life.   A friend of mine recently told me "you're living the life of Riley" and she's right.

So then what's the deal  with wanting more?

I have come to realize that I was created to make a difference, to change the world.  The wanting more is not as much about money or stuff (not that I would say no to those things) - but about impact.  Whether you believe that there's a divine reason (providence) that I am who I am and where I am, or if you call it serendipity or whatever else.  Whether you believe it's intentional or purposeful or not - that does not diminish the opportunity that exists here.

I am who I am and where I am right now - what am I gonna do with it.
I'm gonna do my best to make choices that make a difference, that might be the butterfly who starts the hurricane. 
I'm gonna be purposeful about it.  I was thinking about what that might look like, and I think sometimes it'll look like something out of a movie - like when we take the youth on a Mission's trip.  But most of the time, I think it'll look like everyday living.  Barely noticeable to the naked eye -  but if you look closely, there it is.

And I think the secret in approaching life from this lens is that when you're focused on being the instrument of change without expecting to directly experience the results -  there is little room for disappointment.