Thursday, October 28, 2010

All you need is Love.....

Today is my birthday.

Normally that brings about very mixed emotions from me. I love and hate it at the same time. I am usually very concerned about having some type of celebration, and I usually also make a pretty huge stink about counting down for weeks leading up to it. Mostly this is because I have a real thing about being forgotten. I have had several experiences in my history when I have been forgotten by people - physically forgotten, stranded. And it has created in me a genuine subconscious, ever-present fear of being forgotten.

So I spends weeks, sometimes even more then a month counting down to my birthday, planning a party or parties, etc... to ensure that I am not forgotten, and am celebrated. (sounds kinda narcissistic when I put it down on paper like this)

I also tend to get pretty depressed around my birthday. I have blogged about this before. I start to examine and evaluate my life, and always come up short on my own expectations.

This year has been different. I am not sure what elicited the change. I considered having a birthday party, but everyone's schedules (my own included) are so packed this time of year, it felt like I might be able to get something going in April! And I didn't really do the countdown. I haven't been secretive or hiding the date or anything, just wasn't a walking billboard for weeks.

And while I have stumbled into thought pockets of "what do I have to show for myself" they have been fewer then usual, and I have had some good metaphorical face slapping from good friends to snap me out if it quickly.

And most amazingly of all, without any prompting from me, people have been celebrating with me, and sending me their good wishes. And it feels so much more powerful this year, because it wasn't elicited.

I feel genuinely loved (or positively esteemed), by an entire slew of people. It is awesome!

And it's all in the little things. The colleagues who treated me to lunch today; the serenade of Happy Birthday I got when I came into the office; the cake Danielle made me (in my favourite colour) & having SWAT sing for me; the well wishes on my wall on Facebook; the text messages and phone calls; being called "birthday girl" all day (even when the whole sentence was "the birthday girl needs to get her ass in gear"); Steve's admonition of (and well wishes on) being one year closer to death.

It is all wonderful! and I think my face might actually be sore tomorrow form just how much smiling I am doing today, and how happy I feel.

I feel like the grinch when his heart grew.


Sunday, October 10, 2010

The Miraverse Time Paradox

First you'll need some context.
The Miraverse has been derived from the phrase 'the Mira Universe".

In the encapsulation of the Miraverse time and space, is the reality and the fantasy me that exist simultaneously.
For example the Fantasy me, gets up @ 6am, goes for a jog in a cute outfit everyday, makes her own bread and jam, makes her own clothes (haute couture of course), knits prolifically, hand makes most gifts for others. Embroiders pillowcases, speaks 6 languages, etc...
You get the picture.

The reality me spends a lot of time feeling tired, watching TV, working, working some more, and sneaking as much time out with friends as possible.
Not horrible, but a far cry from the fantasy me.

Ok so here's where the time paradox kicks in. I have been working pretty hard lately. Not that I don't always work hard, but it has included a lot of extra hours. I feel totally disconnected from much else. I am so busy these days, that I am getting frustrated with my schedule.

I have been mentally looking forward to this long week-end for ages! It's been a literal countdown for maybe 2 weeks.

So Friday night was the David Crowder Concert @ Queensway. Rush to finish work a smidgen early, rush to get to the church - complete frustration on an almost completely stopped highway with 4 students who are hot, restless and hungry in the car for well over an hour and fifteen minutes, rush to get something to eat (so hungry, I actually feel sick at this point), miss the entire opening act which was Hillsong Youth.

Saturday, another very, very full day - gym workout, laps in the pool, fixing the steering wheel controls on the car (oh, as an aside, Kevin & Bruce totally figured it out, and it was a faulty harness - so I promised them some kind of manly magic wands, because they were like fairy godmothers - any suggestions on manly magic wands?), visit with friends in the evening.

Today started out with me having to get to church early for welcoming team, then I picked up a pizza for lunch, took a nap, and then ran to Costco to pick a pie for tomorrow's festivities.

Now I am totally bored. I could be knitting, baking, making bread, something - but I am lump on the sofa bored.

So I spend the bulk of my time wishing, hoping, praying for some free time, some slack from the busyness - and then as soon as I get it, I don't know what to do with myself, and I dislike it.

The Miraverse Time Paradox.