Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Back to the Grind

Wow!! It takes little to no time to stumble back into the realities of life after a vacation.

One glorious week of no responsibilities, no cooking, no mandatory waking-up. Reading for pleasure always and only.

One 3 hour and 45 minute cramped flight back - and BOOM, life hits again, going full throttle.

Not that my life is bad, it's not at all, I mostly like my life. But sometimes I wish it would just sit in a bin waiting for me to choose it as opposed to flooding me.

It was like coming back to work today - after a week and a half off - my e-mail inbox was overloaded, and it took me most of my morning to go through it. It would have been nice if I could have only seen one e-mail, and asked for the next one when I was ready.

Or the fact that my Mom had been saving up everything she would normally talk to me about in the course of a week, and crammed it all into the first 2 hours of my being home.

Plus the laziness that a vacation breeds is not helping - I haven't finished unpacking yet.

And I haven't even been back for a full day, and magically I am already counting the hours until today is finished - working my way to the week-end.

So here's to Friday @ 4pm - 2 and a half days away and counting ...

Monday, April 09, 2007

The Golden Chisel of Opportunity

Lat night I had Easter dinner over at the Schnekenburgers - 'cause my family deserted me for a 5 hour church service, but we won't talk about that.

Also at Easter dinner were Austin and Emma. So we were all sitting around post-feast, in a bit of an overindulgence coma as a result of the amazing meal Joslyn had made. We got to talking about relationships, and more specifically hooking-up (how is it I always end up in weird conversations about relationships or sex or some other odd thing?).
We got to talking about what a good way to meet somebody else would be. And at one point in the conversation because of several things I had said Austin made the comment that I had ruled out any opportunities to meet anybody else. (I don't remember the exact words he said, but it was mostly to that effect).
So my response was as follows:
"No, no, don't misunderstand me , it's NOT like I'm over here in my block of ice and only the select few with the golden chisel of opportunity have a chance, that's not what I'm saying"
to which of course the ever witty and astute Austin replied "Come on Mir, if you're in a block of ice, that chisel is useless - gold is way to soft to work through that - it's gonna need a diamond tip or something - maybe a Hammer of Justice!"
(again, I'm sure I'm messing up the quotes just a little, but the essence shines through!)
We all had a great laugh about it last night, it was a super funny moment.

Now I've been home all day (called in sick this morning - I think the after effects of the overindulgence coma of last night) and I've been kind of really thinking about that conversation we had yesterday. I was having some difficulty articulating what I was thinking and what I felt.

I was talking about how I have a difficult time with any kind of singles thing where the focus is finding a boyfriend or girlfriend. I used Internet dating as an example. I just feel it's too focused for lack of a better word. Again, I am struggling to pin-point what I mean.
I also said that I don't like the idea of a stranger coming up to someone and saying something like "hey, can I give you my number?". In the conversation somewhere was also my belief that the men should be doing the chasing, and that I personally was not comfortable with being forward. I think that's where the whole - how are you suppose to meet him if he's not allowed to talk to you thing came up - which was the precursor to my golden chisel comment above.

Ok - so in my ponderings today, I think I can better express what it is that bothers me. I have a problem with being judged based on my appearance. Ok before getting into the details, let me put up a disclaimer - I am not suggesting that my beliefs are right, or that opposing or different views are wrong. I just want to tell you what I figured out I believe.

My issue has several aspects:

1. I have a deep routed belief that someone who makes a judgement like "I want to go out with you" based on your appearance - is only really interested in having sex with you, deep down.

2. I think that the best anyone has to offer should be more than just how they look.

3. I think that my inside is not accurately reflected by my outside - and I want to be valued for the things that I consider valuable like my smarts and my sense of humour and people friendliness. (then I started thinking if this is what all smart ugly people say or think because they can never be good looking) (don't worry, I don't think I'm ugly)

4. Which makes me secretly (well not so secretly anymore I guess) scared that if all I have to start with is how I look - nobody worthwhile is ever going to take the time to find out the stuff about me that I think is more important.

5. I definitely have a serious discomfort with blatant sexuality. As an adjunct, I fell uncomfortable with being "checked-out" or - well you know what I mean.

Whew!! Ok I know that's probably way more information than anybody wanted know about me - and to be honest maybe a little more than I wanted to know about myself. But I have this nasty habit of analyzing human behaviour - you'd think it was my job or something;)

So I blogged it to have record of it. So that I couldn't just have figured it out today, and then let it fade. The secret to learning something about yourself is figuring out if that knowledge encourages you to do something differently. Because it's the change in behaviour that changes your life. So I didn't want my thoughts from today to fade into nothing.

Monday, April 02, 2007

My recurring work dreams

It's been about 5 days now that I have not been sleeping well. Every night I wake-up a couple of times and I seem to be consistently thinking about work and even dreaming about work.

Now this may not seem to be a big deal to anyone else, but my typical pattern is that I have trouble falling asleep - because I'm a night-owl - but once I'm asleep - I am dead to the world. I don't remember dreaming, I don't get up in the middle of the night to go to the restroom, nothing - and when it's time to wake-up it takes an army of angry Vikings to shake the sleep off me and get my butt out of bed.

I also NEVER remember my dreams - most nights it's like I just closed my eyes, when my AM alarm goes off.

So lately I haven't really remembered the details of all these work dreams - but I distinctly remember that they have all been about work. On Saturday morning, I work-up with a to do list for work, and had to remind myself that it's the week-end!

And every night I give myself a little pep-talk about this dreaming business - I say "Now Miriam, you have a rich life, with many good thing - you will not dream about work, there is more to your life than work!"
Yeah - so far it hasn't been working. I think actually I am probably at this point priming myself to dream about work - I have created a psychological association through Pavlovian conditioning. Mind you I'm not really sure what the reward is in my conditioning cycle.

So I am going to try and pick something to dream about instead - and give myself a pep-talk about that before bed every night and see what happens.

Hey do you think that if I dream about working out, then everyday I will somehow get a little more fit - and maybe wake-up with sore muscles? Because I am psychologically working out? That would be awesome!! But definitely sounds too good to be true.

Any ideas on what I should be trying to dream about?