One of the most common responses I get when people know that I hope to someday get married is "Why?" and many have said that if they had it to do over again, or their spouse passed away - they wouldn't get married.
I think that's kinda sad.
Moreover, I am getting pretty fed-up of people thinking that I am naive enough to think that marriage is perfect or solves all my problems.
Firstly, I am a child of divorce, and not just your regular "we grew apart" divorce. The "we hate each other's guts, and had to divorce so we wouldn't kill each other or you in the process" divorce. My parents divorce was the specific event that got me some peace and quiet, and a stable home. Things got even better for me when one of my parents moved overseas.
Secondly, I am a therapist. I have seen quite a bit of the seedy underbelly of pain that is produced from breach of trust and selfishness and the miserable backlash that ensues.
Shockingly that doesn't make me want it any less.
In my opinion, marriage is an exercise in selflessness, and balancing the needs of your loved ones with your own. At it's best - you don't have to worry about your own needs, because you trust that your partner is taking care of them, and you are able to fully focus on taking care of your partner.
At it's worst - you are unable to see anything but your own needs, and your pain is compounded as you perceive your partner as not caring about any of your needs.
Somewhere in the middle lies the dance of not taking the risk of focusing on your partner's needs until your own needs have been met first (by either you, your partner, or someone else).
At our core, I think we're all pretty selfish beings, even the most altruistic of us. And it's not only difficult but downright terrifying to have to trust someone to fill-in your needs. Especially if you have gown-up like me, where there is no one else able to focus on your needs because the people around are drowning in their own lives/needs. We also drive our society to be independent and reward that behaviour.
So here's the thing, even thinking about/writing about why you have to look out for yourself first is missing the point.
Please don't misunderstand me, I am not in any way suggesting that being selfless is about becoming a doormat, allowing our needs to continually go unmet, and even hurt ourselves for the sake of others.
The point for me is, it's about choosing to put somebody else's needs before your own, without qualifying your action or predicating it on what the other person has done for you, or how they've met your needs.
That's the hard part.
I was sent a really great article that speaks to similar points, from the perspective of a 39 year old first time engaged woman. If you are interested, check it out here.
So bottom line is - I get it, I know it's NOT a magic wand that solves problems, and can often compound problems. But it is also an exceptional opportunity for growth, development and fulfillment (and hopefully regular sex)
2 comments:
Well said.
Also being a child of divorce... I understand. It doesn't have to put you off the idea of marriage. I think it helps put it all into perspective and certainly helps you want to be damned sure about the whole "lifelong" commitment thing before taking that plunge. With that in mind, having witnessed the aftermath of marriage failure, I hope people can learn not to make similar mistakes themselves rather than simply dismiss the entire institution.
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