Providence

Providence is often explained as God's activity in the world.
It's not an often used word anymore, as people seem to want to leave God out of life and living most of the time.

Even when I want to do so, because things aren't going my way, or life isn't turning our the way I planned or expected.....God turns up through the people in my life in such a powerful way, that I am left completely unable to deny Him.

I am 34 and single.  With no prospects in sight.
The last date I have been on was when I was 30.  That's 4 years ago.
And that date is one of only a dozen I have been on in the past 13 years.

Those dates have been almost entirely disastrous, with two standing out as good dates, and the guy never called me back on either of those.

It's hard not to believe that there must be something astronomically wrong with me - that nobody is willing to man-up and let me know.
Well, that's not entirely true, my Mom's pastor once had some ideas (mostly of the you're just too fat and unpretty for someone to want you school).  I blogged about that self-esteem building conversation here.

It's also hard not to be disappointed and angry with God.  I have really started to feel like He's broken His promises to me.  Or maybe I'm just that horrible at knowing God and hearing His voice - that he never really promised me anything.  It's been my own innermost desires masquerading as God's promises - as if to legitimize them.

And heck, it's not like being a child of God is the ticket to not being single - there are a plethora of married Atheists and Agnostics, etc. out there.

And most hurtful of all, it's hard not to take is as the epitome of rejection.  Not even worth rejecting, just avoid her all together.

I try and avoid talking about it seriously, and mostly just like to joke around about it.  Mostly because it just hurts that much, and secondly because I really really really don't want to be that desperate and bitter old maid.  Even the hint of it turns my stomach.

So at this point in my tale, you might be wondering about the Divine Providence/God's activity and undeniable presence you were promised at the beginning of our journey..... it's coming.....
While I do have a tendency to blog about this a fair amount (I appreciate the false feeling of anonymity), it is not a serious conversation I have often if hardly ever.

Just yesterday at work, I had a colleague come up and ask me how I was doing.  I said fine.
She said, no you're not.  I know you, and you're hurting.  What's up?
So I told her about my disappointment.
Her response, her words and the palpable love I felt from her were a soothing balm. 
It almost felt like talking directly to God as she affirmed my worth to Him and the people around me. 
For a moment I forgot we were at my desk in the middle of a workday.

His presence was undeniable in the moment. 

Now truth be told, I am weak - and I'm not totally over it because of a single conversation.  But weather or not I feel slighted by God today - I most definitely know He loves me, and that matters more than all the other parts.

The Time Warp

For those of you that know me well, you know that I am rarely on-time for anything.

This tends to bug a lot of people, quite a bit - as it is often seen as a lack of respect for the other person and the other person's time.

I know I say it a lot, but I genuinely and truly do not mean any disrespect, either consciously or subconsciously.

I've had several theories about why I am perpetually late, all of which I believe hold water:

#1 - I just try to squeeze way too much into a single day.  I have a hard time saying no, and I hate feeling like I'm passing up something worthwhile, fun or a chance to spend time with somebody -  so I almost always try to fit it all in.  Which ends up being too many things for the fixed hours in a day.

#2 - I grossly underestimate how long the transit time between locations will take me.  This sneaks up on me in 2 ways, it means I don't allot enough time to get somewhere, and then I am always surprised by traffic and travel time.

#3 - I have this waking-up issue, and sleep trumps about 99% of everything else in my life.  I would go hungry to get more sleep, and only get up to use the facilities if I find myself in physical pain.  So being somewhere in the mornings is always a tough act for me.  I hit snooze for a donkey's age, and then jump out of bed late before I even start getting ready.

#4 - My home often feels like a black hole from whence I can not easily escape.  I speculate that it's because I am rarely home, so if I am it must be because I am really tired.  There is something about my place that once inside leaving it again can take monumental effort, and the effort to get up and out takes considerable time which drives the mechanism of lateness even more.

Today, I noticed something that I think can safely be added to the reasons why I am so regularly late.  I think there is a rift in the space-time continuum that exists between my front door and my car door.
I swear it to be true.

Today, I was going out to visit some friends, and we had agreed on a meeting time of 1:30pm.  So I left my house at 1:13pm, I did check the digital clock on my stove.  When I got into the car and turned the ignition, the stereo clock indicated it was 1:23pm.  Now, while I was not timing my descent, I can say with certainty that I did not spend 10 minutes in transit from my front door to my car door.

I know the logical conclusion is that one of the clocks must be off - BUT, I set my stove clock to the TV guide, so that must be accurate. And I set my car stereo to the radio station (and actually I think it's 2 minutes behind, so there is actually a 12 minute lag in time to be accounted for).

I live on the second floor, and park in P@ - so that's 3 stories to descend, plus elevator wait time and let's say the 1 minute it takes to walk from the elevator to my car - that can't equal 12 minutes.

Something is not adding up here....

So the next time I'm late, please know that it's not my fault: between the black hole, rift in the space time continuum, my inability to accurately estimate travel time, and my zest for squeezing every last drop out of a day - it's a miracle I ever make it anywhere at all!

Me, Myself & I

Sometimes it feels like I blog about and complain about being single quite a bit.  And trust me sometimes I feel like being single is like walking around with broccoli stuck in your teeth, and everybody is having a good chuckle at it, but nobody is willing to tell you to fix it.

I have been in Orlando this past week on business, and I decided to extend my stay through the week-end, since I've never been here before.  I couldn't find anyone to come with me, so I took the plunge and decided to vacation alone.

Now if you know me with any degree of intimacy, you know that I can't stand being alone.  I would rather be with people than do just about anything else on the planet.  I score 100% on the extroversion scale on the MBTI, and other personality inventories.

But I gotta say there are definitely some advantages to being single that I experienced this week-end.

#1 - nobody to complain about my snoring, so I can go on pretending that I don't snore

#2 - using the single rider lane in Universal Studios got me on most of the rides faster than the people who paid a LOT of money for the Express Pass.

#3 - many other travellers were starting up conversations with me, I guess that's easier to do with one person than with a group of 2 or more.

I had fun.

Now, don't be fooled - I still prefer being with people 100% of the time, and I have hit the max on how much of my own company I can enjoy. 

So get ready, you'll probably be getting a call from me this week to hang out.

Created to Make a Difference

You might remember that early in September I took the Landmark Advanced Course (Blog post here).  The week-end contained several powerful epiphanies for me.  In Landmark language, I would say I uncovered several blind spots.

One of the most impactful pieces for me was about 2/3 of the way through - early on Sunday morning.  I came to the profound realization that I was created to make a difference.  I am meant to change the world.

Do you ever have moments where you mentally look around at the routine moment in a sea of routine moments and think - "there's gotta be more to life than this"?  I sometimes feel guilty for having this thought, because I actually have a really good life.   A friend of mine recently told me "you're living the life of Riley" and she's right.

So then what's the deal  with wanting more?

I have come to realize that I was created to make a difference, to change the world.  The wanting more is not as much about money or stuff (not that I would say no to those things) - but about impact.  Whether you believe that there's a divine reason (providence) that I am who I am and where I am, or if you call it serendipity or whatever else.  Whether you believe it's intentional or purposeful or not - that does not diminish the opportunity that exists here.

I am who I am and where I am right now - what am I gonna do with it.
I'm gonna do my best to make choices that make a difference, that might be the butterfly who starts the hurricane. 
I'm gonna be purposeful about it.  I was thinking about what that might look like, and I think sometimes it'll look like something out of a movie - like when we take the youth on a Mission's trip.  But most of the time, I think it'll look like everyday living.  Barely noticeable to the naked eye -  but if you look closely, there it is.

And I think the secret in approaching life from this lens is that when you're focused on being the instrument of change without expecting to directly experience the results -  there is little room for disappointment.