Love actually is... all around

I think I have finally figured out why I love birthdays so much.

A birthday is permission to celebrate someone, permission to be "cheesy" and sentimental, and tell someone "you're fabulous, and I love you".

For the second year in a row, I am absolutely flabbergasted by the wonderful sentiments people have expressed to me on my birthday.

People's kind words, generous hugs and big smiles have completely overwhelmed me, in a GREAT way!

I have documented every year about how the period of time leading up to my birthday is always a time of melancholy for me - where I evaluate what I have accomplished to date, and what I had expected myself to accomplish - and I always fall short. It makes me sad to get another year older because I feel so far behind.

But what I have been awakened to this year is - to have the love of the people in my life, and to be able to express how much we value each other: that is the greatest gift in life.

It's been under my nose in the Bible my whole life, but my full appreciation for it hit today:

"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. "

1 Corinthians 13:1-5


Thanks for loving me.

What is the truth? Does it matter?

As you may or may not know, I am recent graduate of the Landmark Forum and Landmark Advanced Course. Each course is a super intensive 13 hours a day 3 1/2 day marathon and sprint all at once.

Upon registering you are asked to identify at least one area or one thing that is not working in your life, so that you can have a focus to work on during the course.

Since completing both courses, I have come to some pretty fundamental realizations, that really shift my experience of life - in a positive way.

I walked in thinking there was some sort of fundamental block I was experiencing in my life which needed a little "psychological woo woo" (for lack of a better term) to open-up. That somehow there was something wrong with me and that's why these areas of my life weren't working. I mean come-on, honestly, you don't get to be 33 and single like the desert and walk away without thinking there must be something wrong with you.

So the truth is , there is no such thing as "psychological woo woo" - and there's nothing wrong with me. I'm human, and sometimes as humans we lock ourselves into ways of thinking and behaving that are not productive. We all do it, and to the extent that our rational is often not conscious, it's inescapable.

That being said, I was really challenged on many of the ways of being and thinking that I had embraced as true and right.
I walked out of the Forum at the end of June feeling super empowered, and sure that my life would be completely different moving forward. When the same issues, beliefs and struggles came-up - I never questioned the training, I started thinking that my experiences must be the TRUTH. and because they were true, it didn't matter how I framed them or thought about them. It was reasonable and logical to me that my situation kept reoccurring because it was reality. Which in turn validated me and my experiences.

I am attending a seminar series currently running on Tuesday nights, which is intended to help me take what I learned/experienced at the Forum, and put it into action in my life.

I had a really powerful realization this Tuesday.
I needed my situation to persist, because that made it truth. And if it was the truth, then I was not only validated, but justified in my complaints, etc... That was my payoff.

Here's the rub. My Advanced Course facilitator said this, but it had it's greatest impact on me as a statement as I replayed it in my memory on Tuesday evening.
"We don't really know the truth in our memory: at best we have an interpretation of the truth".
So there is no truth - sort of. And it really doesn't matter what the truth is...(I'm not talking about absolute or moral truth - breath out!) At the end of the day the best question to ask is - "is it working for me? Is this moving forward towards my goal(s)?" That matters more than
"Is this true?"

Maybe "matters more" is the wrong phasing, I think I mean "is more helpful".

So that's my revelation. I'm going to keep being me, and coming across/against the same issues and struggles from time to time. However, instead of asking is this true or saying this must be true, I'm going to ask "is this working for me?", "is this helping me to move forward towards my goal?".

I think eventually I'll stop coming across the same struggles, I'll start coming across new ones - and I think I'll be the better for it.

You know you've been working too long when.....

I've started creating "SMART" goals for my life in general, and think in terms of quarters.

Here's what I'd like to accomplish this quarter...
We should get together at least once a quarter.....
My birthday is in Q4, that's next quarter...

Sad state of affairs!

Sunshine and Contemplation in the Miraverse

I have just returned from a vacation.

I spent a week in Punta Cana, Domincan Republic. It was a beautiful locale. Sunny, very sunny (so much so that I got the worst sunburn of my life!)

I did a lot of reading. Not as much as I had planned (I brought 8 paperback, and 3 audiobooks). I was conscientious and methodical (big surprise) and alternated between fiction and non-fiction. I got through 4 and a half books.
The cool thing about travelling with my cousin David is the post-mortem I got to complete on some of my thoughts on several of the books with him.

Here's what's bugging me about the trip. I set-out with a plan to rest, re-evaluate and experience some sort of this is my plan moving forward epiphany.
And I did - mostly.
But I've been home less than 24 hours, and already I am back to old routines and poor choices.
I have spent 90% of today in-bed and asleep. Literally. I didn't get out of bed until 5:00pm.
I have just finished checking my email, am in the process of uploading photos to facebook. I haven't unpacked, done laundry, eaten anything or prepared for tomorrow's return to civilization.

While away, I met a lot of fun people, and was amazingly anti-social at times, just wanting to be all alone (which is shockingly unlike me). One of the ladies I met said something very simply profound - "you only get one body, you have to treat it with love". She was right, it was so simple. So I resolved to take care of myself. Take my vitamins, eat regularly, etc....

Can't even keep it up for 24 hours.
This does not bode well....

The question is does it speak to the weakness of my core beliefs? the softness of my resolution? the insincerity of my being?
Or am I just still that tired?

My vote is the last, and it makes me sad that even a week of total rest hasn't restored me.
So I am going to keep searching for rest and balance...the ever elusive balance....

Can anybody find me, somebody to love.....

I have a confession. I have a random crush. A guy I met a few times as a work connection. He's smart, nice, quotes random facts, and looks like a librarian. check, check, check - everything I go for. And if I am totally honest, it's kinda fun to giggle about liking someone, like Junior High revisited. Today, the little fantasy happiness I had constructed in my head, was assaulted, and destroyed. It's a good thing. Sustained delusion are not good for the psyche....... But it's also kinda sad. Rejection no matter how imagined manages to still smart. (yes, I am totally aware that you can't actually be rejected by someone who has no idea that you giggle and blush when you think about him in your head) I read in a book somewhere that "rejection always leads to something better". Might be true - it's yet to be confirmed. But the author failed to mentioned that the path to better isn't necessarily always free of rocks or debris. I never realized my self-identity was so sensitive to rejection. Not really sure if it's just me, or if everybody else needs the same mental safety padding. Reminds me of the Golden Chisel of Opportunity conversation that was had 4 years back (wow! years! already!) and the cycle continues.....

Toot Toot!

You probably all know that I have been taking a contemporary dance class since September @ Seneca college with my friend Mel.
And I love it!

So my class is on Monday nights, my instructor's name is Jennifer (she rocks!) and we have about 7 people in the class.

I really do love it!

And in last night's class while working on the floor work portion of a routine..... I tooted.
Yes, you read right, I tooted - out loud.

I was MORTIFIED!

I kinda said "oops, excuse me" and without missing a beat my instructor said "Perfectly Normal" and kept on with the class.

Well the next time we had to do the floor work, I was kinds dragging my heels, and when my instructor looked at me inquiringly I said "I'm kinda worried to lie down again, I'm just so embarrassed" and she said "don't worry about it, I'll fart too if you like" and proceeded to twist her face in a simulation of straining and turned red.

We all laughed.

She broke the tension and awkwardness, and we motored along with our routine.

So if asked, that is for sure the highlight and the most embarrassing moment of my week so far....
Hopefully I don't find myself a more embarrassing situation before the week is up.