Sunday, July 27, 2008

I am Loosing my Credibility

Have you ever been told that you talk too much?
I think that it may just be the #1 sentence that I have heard in my life.

It's been a while since I heard it - it was more of a birth through graduating High School sort of thing. Actually I have also been told that I speak very quickly, especially when I get excited.

The school bus driver I had in grade 2 used to call me Jabberwocky after the Poem. He said that the faster I spoke the more my words blurred together and stopped making sense.

I am a very sensitive person by nature - I do not always respond well to being teased - but hear something enough and you start to develop a thick skin about it.

My memory is cloudy, but I think it's a statement that just stopped bugging me because I heard it so much.

Now, as a rule, I have always felt that individuals who say little tend to be perceived as wise when they speak, by virtue of the fact that they don't choose to speak very often. I think people start assuming, that your words must be of great value if you only engage in them ever so often. Maybe it's like the economic law of supply and demand.

And even though I do talk a lot (I have never disputed that fact - but I do believe too much to be a relative term), I usually feel like what I have to say is taken seriously and respected.

I have been starting to loose that confidence lately. Sometimes it's like I'm watching the scene from a third person perspective and I can actually see people tuning out or not listening. Now this can be a normal part of interaction, and from time to time is not a big deal - I engage in such behaviours myself, it's normal.

But I have been feeling like this is my full experience of communication lately. Like every time I open my mouth to say something, the listener has already decided that not only is what I have to say not worthwhile, but also that I couldn't possibly hold any level of knowledge or expertise in what I am saying.

Now here's the kicker for me anyways - the logical part of my brain says, 'it's not worth arguing over, just stop talking' but my tongue isn't paying attention to my brain and wont stop. Then I get frustrated and annoyed as I am watching my non-listener cut me off, ignore what I say, question my credibility.

If I were to turn it into a cartoon - it would closely resemble the Coke Zero commercials with the eyeball and the 2 tongues.

Only, I am feeling kind of bullied by my non-listener(s), which is a concerning feeling to have.
And despite this I just can't seem to get smart enough to shut-up.

So the really troubling thought becomes - am I no longer credible? Do I really have no idea what I'm talking about, and am living in some sort of dream-world? Do I need to suck it up and either shut up or get educated? Or am I genuinely being bullied and need to just have a tough skin about it - like when I would be told I talk too much?

Sadly answering any of the above questions in the affirmative is a negative thing.

5 comments:

ghanima said...

I think that everybody experiences times during which they just feel insecure about how others perceive them. That's perfectly natural, and will pass. Also, it's natural for a person, even one who's known you and trusted your opinion for a long time, to question your judgement -- I find this also tends to pass, rather than ruining a friendship/relationship.

Of course, if it does come down to ruining a relationship, than clearly the problem is the other person's. Changing who you are because someone else doesn't like you is folly. Those who make you feel bad about yourself aren't the sort of people you should be around in the first place.

In other words, talk on, try not to worry about how cranky your listener is. Simply stopping talking isn't going to stop a true crank from finding fault with you, or anyone else.

Austin said...

I have a lot of experience with people not bothering to listen to what I have to say, mostly because a lot of the time I don't actually have anything useful to say (see: "Man up, Nancy"). People eventually get tired of one-liners. Of course, this has a lot to do with context, and people tune me out to their own peril, but a lot of people just don't want to have to sort the chaff from the wheat.

On the other side, one thing I'm pretty careful about is being repetitive with the few stories I have. Whereas I typically don't mind hearing a story I've heard before, not everybody can deal with that very well (especially on top of perhaps some other circumstances).

You'll find a lot of what you perceive may have very little to do with you, but rather the other person (maybe they're distracted by something going on in their life, for example, which means it has nothing to do with you).

Another thing I've found is that I can suffer from "self-appointed authority fatigue" - that is, if someone is always spouting 'expert' opinions that seemingly leave no room for argument, variability or alternatives, I instinctively tune them out (which is something I challenge myself not to do at work) - I think this attitude comes out of a "if they won't listen to me, why would I listen to them?" mentality - a lot has to do with their tone. Consequently, I find myself tuning my vocabulary to use weaker words that leaves me open to being debated ("tends to," "most of the time" and "typically" instead of "always" and "never"). Call me non-committal, but the devil's in the details.

Anyway, ghanima has a lot of good points too. You are a sensitive person, but that sometimes means you will see things that aren't really there.

MiraFabulous said...

Thanks for the perspecitve guys.

I am not looking to be the expert on everything - nor do I believe that I am right about everything I say.

I just don't like feeling that someone else has assumed there's no way what I have to say has any value without actually listening to what I have to say.

Very very possible that I'm just being a little too touchy these days.

Mags said...

"You'll find a lot of what you perceive may have very little to do with you, but rather the other person."

I'm with Austin on this one. I think it was Dr. Phil (I could be wrong though) who said something like, people are too busy looking at their own lives to be looking at yours....ok, I totally screwed that up but I think you get what I'm trying to say.

I think if talking "too much" is something that bothers you then, yes, try to change it. But if you're thinking of changing because you think other people don't like it, I'd say that's a bad idea. You'll never be able to make everybody like you or listen to you or take you seriousl

Anonymous said...

Umm... what? :D