Providence

Providence is often explained as God's activity in the world.
It's not an often used word anymore, as people seem to want to leave God out of life and living most of the time.

Even when I want to do so, because things aren't going my way, or life isn't turning our the way I planned or expected.....God turns up through the people in my life in such a powerful way, that I am left completely unable to deny Him.

I am 34 and single.  With no prospects in sight.
The last date I have been on was when I was 30.  That's 4 years ago.
And that date is one of only a dozen I have been on in the past 13 years.

Those dates have been almost entirely disastrous, with two standing out as good dates, and the guy never called me back on either of those.

It's hard not to believe that there must be something astronomically wrong with me - that nobody is willing to man-up and let me know.
Well, that's not entirely true, my Mom's pastor once had some ideas (mostly of the you're just too fat and unpretty for someone to want you school).  I blogged about that self-esteem building conversation here.

It's also hard not to be disappointed and angry with God.  I have really started to feel like He's broken His promises to me.  Or maybe I'm just that horrible at knowing God and hearing His voice - that he never really promised me anything.  It's been my own innermost desires masquerading as God's promises - as if to legitimize them.

And heck, it's not like being a child of God is the ticket to not being single - there are a plethora of married Atheists and Agnostics, etc. out there.

And most hurtful of all, it's hard not to take is as the epitome of rejection.  Not even worth rejecting, just avoid her all together.

I try and avoid talking about it seriously, and mostly just like to joke around about it.  Mostly because it just hurts that much, and secondly because I really really really don't want to be that desperate and bitter old maid.  Even the hint of it turns my stomach.

So at this point in my tale, you might be wondering about the Divine Providence/God's activity and undeniable presence you were promised at the beginning of our journey..... it's coming.....
While I do have a tendency to blog about this a fair amount (I appreciate the false feeling of anonymity), it is not a serious conversation I have often if hardly ever.

Just yesterday at work, I had a colleague come up and ask me how I was doing.  I said fine.
She said, no you're not.  I know you, and you're hurting.  What's up?
So I told her about my disappointment.
Her response, her words and the palpable love I felt from her were a soothing balm. 
It almost felt like talking directly to God as she affirmed my worth to Him and the people around me. 
For a moment I forgot we were at my desk in the middle of a workday.

His presence was undeniable in the moment. 

Now truth be told, I am weak - and I'm not totally over it because of a single conversation.  But weather or not I feel slighted by God today - I most definitely know He loves me, and that matters more than all the other parts.