I used to be Opposed to Gay Marriage....

It's true.

Not because I was on some tyrannical rampage to eradicate the LGBT community, or out of some homophobic fear.  My opposition was never aligned to the limiting of human rights or civil liberties.

I had a hard time with sharing the word marriage. 

I remember having a conversation with a friend of mine around the time when same-sex marriage became legal in Canada.  Probably not unlike how the recent political conversations around the same issue have brought it to the forefront for many Americans these days.  I said to my friend (I can't actually remember who it was I was speaking to) that I would have felt so much more comfortable if the government had chosen to call it something else.  I didn't actually have any issues with the mutual rights, respect or privileges, just the name.

I feel like marriage is a specific religiously defined and culturally adopted institution, but because it remains at it's core a spiritual union - I had a hard time sharing the name.

But the reality is that a percentage of the people who get married, heterosexual marriage - do not necessarily consider it a spiritual union.  I would guess it's a rather large percentage (but I am only guessing based on limited anecdotal information).  So we don't use the word marriage to mean what it was originally defined to mean.  Nobody's ever put a stink up about that.  I never complained or even considered it a problem when it was an opposite sex couple. 

So if we've adopted a relatively civil and non-religious definition of marriage, then what is the issue with once again changing or expanding that civil definition. 

Now before any of my religious friends jump in to disagree - consider that I am talking about a civil definition.  For those of us who recognize or engage marriage under it's religious definition, we do so in parallel with it's civil definition (hence a marriage license).  But not everyone who gets married embraces both definitions.  We've been making a logical thinking error - it's called the "Fallacy of Affirming the Consequent". 

Here's the sad part we have neglected to focus on.  In being exclusionary we've actually been oppressing others.  Where's the love in that?  In the Bible Jesus tell us that the greatest commandment is to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind: and love your neighbour as yourself."  If love is the greatest commandment - how is our deciding that one group of people (no matter what criteria we use to identify the "in group") should be treated better or deserve more rights than another.

Furthermore, we're all equally eternally damned up-front, because relationship with God, and eternal life is not something we have the ability to earn.  It's a gift freely given, and open to be received by all.  Once received, this gift does not equal to perfection or perfect living...and we all continue to struggle through this "mortal toil".

So again, I ask - what right do we have to condemn another?!?!

We live in a world where unspeakable atrocities occur daily.  Children are forced to kill others as soldiers, serve as prostitutes or slaves, die of diseases or starvation.  The majority of the world's population lives in poverty, with limited access to clean drinking water or food.  With no opportunities to be educated or build a better future.....

Imagine the world we could live in, if we choose to focus our energy, individually and collectively on speaking out against injustice and famine and other atrocities.  That conversation is what should be at the forefront these days..... 

Marriage - it's not a Fairy Tale

One of the most common responses I get when people know that I hope to someday get married is "Why?"  and many have said that if they had it to do over again, or their spouse passed away - they wouldn't get married.

I think that's kinda sad.

Moreover, I am getting pretty fed-up of people thinking that I am naive enough to think that marriage is perfect or solves all my problems. 

Firstly, I am a child of divorce, and not just your regular "we grew apart" divorce.  The "we hate each other's guts, and had to divorce so we wouldn't kill each other or you in the process" divorce.  My parents divorce was the specific event that got me some peace and quiet, and a stable home.  Things got even better for me when one of my parents moved overseas.

Secondly, I am a therapist.  I have seen quite a bit of the seedy underbelly of pain that is produced from breach of trust and selfishness and the miserable backlash that ensues.

Shockingly that doesn't make me want it any less. 

In my opinion, marriage is an exercise in selflessness, and balancing the needs of  your loved ones with your own.  At it's best -  you don't have to worry about your own needs, because you trust that your partner is taking care of them, and you are able to fully focus on taking care of your partner.
At it's worst - you are unable to see anything but your own needs, and your pain is compounded as you perceive your partner as not caring about any of your needs.
Somewhere in the middle lies the dance of not taking the risk of focusing on your partner's needs until your own needs have been met first (by either you, your partner, or someone else).

At our core, I think we're all pretty selfish beings, even the most altruistic of us.  And it's not only difficult but downright terrifying to have to trust someone to fill-in your needs.  Especially if you have gown-up like me, where there is no one else able to focus on your needs because the people around are drowning in their own lives/needs.  We also drive our society to be independent and reward that behaviour.

So here's the thing, even thinking about/writing about why you have to look out for yourself first is missing the point.
Please don't misunderstand me, I am not in any way suggesting that being selfless is about becoming a doormat, allowing our needs to continually go unmet, and even hurt ourselves for the sake of others.
The point for me is, it's about choosing to put somebody else's needs before your own, without qualifying your action or predicating it on what the other person has done for you, or how they've met your needs.

That's the hard part.

I was sent a really great article that speaks to similar points, from the perspective of a 39 year old first time engaged woman.  If you are interested, check it out here.

So bottom line is - I get it, I know it's NOT a magic wand that solves problems, and can often compound problems.  But it is also an exceptional opportunity for growth, development and fulfillment (and hopefully regular sex)

Love actually is... all around

I think I have finally figured out why I love birthdays so much.

A birthday is permission to celebrate someone, permission to be "cheesy" and sentimental, and tell someone "you're fabulous, and I love you".

For the second year in a row, I am absolutely flabbergasted by the wonderful sentiments people have expressed to me on my birthday.

People's kind words, generous hugs and big smiles have completely overwhelmed me, in a GREAT way!

I have documented every year about how the period of time leading up to my birthday is always a time of melancholy for me - where I evaluate what I have accomplished to date, and what I had expected myself to accomplish - and I always fall short. It makes me sad to get another year older because I feel so far behind.

But what I have been awakened to this year is - to have the love of the people in my life, and to be able to express how much we value each other: that is the greatest gift in life.

It's been under my nose in the Bible my whole life, but my full appreciation for it hit today:

"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. "

1 Corinthians 13:1-5


Thanks for loving me.

Can anybody find me, somebody to love.....

I have a confession. I have a random crush. A guy I met a few times as a work connection. He's smart, nice, quotes random facts, and looks like a librarian. check, check, check - everything I go for. And if I am totally honest, it's kinda fun to giggle about liking someone, like Junior High revisited. Today, the little fantasy happiness I had constructed in my head, was assaulted, and destroyed. It's a good thing. Sustained delusion are not good for the psyche....... But it's also kinda sad. Rejection no matter how imagined manages to still smart. (yes, I am totally aware that you can't actually be rejected by someone who has no idea that you giggle and blush when you think about him in your head) I read in a book somewhere that "rejection always leads to something better". Might be true - it's yet to be confirmed. But the author failed to mentioned that the path to better isn't necessarily always free of rocks or debris. I never realized my self-identity was so sensitive to rejection. Not really sure if it's just me, or if everybody else needs the same mental safety padding. Reminds me of the Golden Chisel of Opportunity conversation that was had 4 years back (wow! years! already!) and the cycle continues.....

All you need is Love.....

Today is my birthday.

Normally that brings about very mixed emotions from me. I love and hate it at the same time. I am usually very concerned about having some type of celebration, and I usually also make a pretty huge stink about counting down for weeks leading up to it. Mostly this is because I have a real thing about being forgotten. I have had several experiences in my history when I have been forgotten by people - physically forgotten, stranded. And it has created in me a genuine subconscious, ever-present fear of being forgotten.

So I spends weeks, sometimes even more then a month counting down to my birthday, planning a party or parties, etc... to ensure that I am not forgotten, and am celebrated. (sounds kinda narcissistic when I put it down on paper like this)

I also tend to get pretty depressed around my birthday. I have blogged about this before. I start to examine and evaluate my life, and always come up short on my own expectations.

This year has been different. I am not sure what elicited the change. I considered having a birthday party, but everyone's schedules (my own included) are so packed this time of year, it felt like I might be able to get something going in April! And I didn't really do the countdown. I haven't been secretive or hiding the date or anything, just wasn't a walking billboard for weeks.

And while I have stumbled into thought pockets of "what do I have to show for myself" they have been fewer then usual, and I have had some good metaphorical face slapping from good friends to snap me out if it quickly.

And most amazingly of all, without any prompting from me, people have been celebrating with me, and sending me their good wishes. And it feels so much more powerful this year, because it wasn't elicited.

I feel genuinely loved (or positively esteemed), by an entire slew of people. It is awesome!

And it's all in the little things. The colleagues who treated me to lunch today; the serenade of Happy Birthday I got when I came into the office; the cake Danielle made me (in my favourite colour) & having SWAT sing for me; the well wishes on my wall on Facebook; the text messages and phone calls; being called "birthday girl" all day (even when the whole sentence was "the birthday girl needs to get her ass in gear"); Steve's admonition of (and well wishes on) being one year closer to death.

It is all wonderful! and I think my face might actually be sore tomorrow form just how much smiling I am doing today, and how happy I feel.

I feel like the grinch when his heart grew.

THANK YOU!!

Getting Caught in the Rain

I was in Montreal for most of last week on business. Montreal is reputed to be an amazing city, with shopping, dining and sights that are from another time and place. Sadly while I know this to be true, this was not my experience last week.

My office, and hence my hotel is in a suburb called ST.Laurent. It's close to the airport, and not much else.
So I was only there for 2 nights...and there were a few restaurants and such within walking distance of my hotel.

The first night, it was raining when I went to walk out, and so I wisely borrowed a hotel umbrella from the concierge. But the second night it was sunny, without a cloud in the sky when I left the hotel and I did not consider the possibility of rain later on.

So I was bored, and had done a lot of perusing of the sparse offerings the night before - I needed something that I could do that would use up a good chunk of my evening. Enter - the movie theater I walked by. I figured I could get something to eat in there, and watching a movie would take me to around 9pm, at which time I could go back to my hotel, get ready for bed, and manage to have passed the evening away.

If you know me at all, you know that I am a SUPER SOCIAL person, and going to the movies alone is pretty low on my list of fun things to do. But I figured I needed to just suck it up, and go for it.
So I buy my ticket, and dinner (can you believe I got chicken fingers and fries from the concession stand?!?) and head into the theater.

I am the only person in the theater. Ok, it is a Thursday night, and the movie doesn't star for another 20 minutes, but seriously - the ONLY ONE! This is getting creepy.

About 5 minutes before the movie starts a couple walks in, I can't tell you the relief I feel. They come in, and sit directly behind me. I make a funny comment about how glad I am they came in, and didn't leave me alone. We strike up a conversation, and chit-chat until the lights dim and the movie begins.

Approximately halfway through the movie, I start hearing some noises from behind me. Now, naive as I am, it took me a minute to realize that my new friends, were being exceptionally friendly with each other. Ok, no problem, just ignore them, and make sure to not even hint at turning around.
Once the movie was over they went darting out before the house lights came on, but the guy did pause for a second to wish me an enjoyable rest of my trip in Montreal.

I step out of the theater, and it's thunder storming. I take a deep breath, pull my incredibly flimsy shrug closer in around my neck, clamp my hand on my purse, and step out into the action. It's cold, and the rain drops are heavy, they actually hurt as they land on me. I get about halfway to the hotel when this car stops, the passenger window rolls down, and the lone male driver offers me a lift. Now I'm from Toronto, and I have an ethnic mother (who's a catastrophizer) I have already identified the 17 ways this man could capture, molest, torture and kill me before he finished rolling the window down. So I kind of frown at him, and he figures I don;t understand his French, so he repeats his offer in English. I frown even more deeply (if that's possible) and say "Non, ça va" I didn't even say thank you. He shrugs, rolls up his window and drives on.
Now it occurs to me that not every stranger who stops to help has to have evil intentions. I would never actually get into a car with a single strange man - but I could have been a little nicer in my declining his offer.

I get back to the hotel, soaked through, and my adventures seem to be over for the evening.

The next morning, I am leaving my hotel room, the door shuts behind me, and I hear some unusual noises from the room directly across mine. Now it's 7:45am, and all's quiet on the eastern front - except for the strange noises. Again, I'm a little slow when it comes to these things, and it is pretty early in the morning - it took me a minute to register what I was hearing.

What is up with Montreal?! That's twice in less than twenty-four hours. Although hopefully the folks in the movie theater were not quite as engaged as the folks in the hotel room. At this point it's conjecture - but I'd like to believe that it's true.

That's what happens when I get caught in the rain.

The Friend Zone

Do you have any friends who just always seem to magically float from one relationship to another? You know the guy/gal who always seems to meet someone at the grocery store, or Tim Horton's, after about 2 weeks of being single. And somehow their 5 minute conversation with this incredibly cute member of the opposite sex, leads to a phone number exchange, and usually at least a few dates, if nothing else.

And then there are people like me (please God, don't let me be the only one!) We have no trouble talking to people of the opposite sex, and make friends quite easily. But somehow for that one person that we kinda like, we always seem to NOT turn into a potential love interest for them, but rather a best bud.

Somehow you go from imagining what your "new name" would sound like, to giving him advice about how to approach the person he's interested in. The advice giving smarts worse than road rash on your face with your salty sweat running down into it.

I know that I am very guarded about my interest in someone, and I wonder if most of the guys I've liked would even have a clue that I ever did. But still - how is it that this keeps happening to me?

I have developed a theory that every interaction with an available member of the opposite sex (assuming that is whom you are attracted to), begins with the potential for a more than just friends relationship. No matter how buried beneath the surface, and unbeknownst to your conscious mind - it's there. Now there seems to be a pivotal point where the potential shifts and you are firmly in the friend zone.

I don't know what tips the scales in the favour of the friend zone. I refuse to buy the line "you're just too good a catch" - that's a bunch of malarky. If you truly were that incredible a catch, shouldn't you be beating off suitors with a stick?! (but thanks for trying to stroke my battered Ego anyways)

And the timing is not fixed - it can take a moment, a day, a week or a month. I've personally never had it take more than a month, but that may be just me.

So many variables remain undisclosed. And the mystery of the friend zone remains.

Nothing I can do about it, until I figure it out I guess - until then, here's to my next "friend".

Tell Someone you Love them today :)

Today has been a reminder of how life can be short and really suck sometimes.
I didn't really have a sucky day, just a lot of opportunities to observe life sucking.

For example my day started with me staying home from work - when my Teta (grandmother) work-up and found me in my room, she got very excited about having someone home with her. She actually did a little dance in front of my bedroom door (ask her and she'll deny it, but she did).
It was really cute, but mostly it got me thinking about how lonely and boring and long her days must feel home alone, all day, every day with nothing to do. Plus when the rest of the family gets home we all have other things to do, errands, dinner to make. My mom and my aunt both take a nap right after work - for at least 1 hour. I imagined what it would feel like to be starved for company all day, then people finally get here, just to choose sleep or something else over talking to me. Kinda Sucks.

Example # 2 - I was in an interview where I was given senarios that I was asked to put together some case conceptualization and treatment plans for as well as highlight challenges, and concerns. This is pretty standard in my field. The senarios were pretty convoluted, but I know that they are true to life situations. It made me sad to think of people who had suffered so much at the misguided hands of others (parents, teachers, etc) and are now struggling to be a functional part of society. Definitely Sucks.

Example # 3 - Driving home on WDCX (the Christian station out of Buffalo) they had a counselling call in show. BTW, the Therapist was excellent. I heard 2 people in the hour I was in the car (stupid highway lane reductions and exit closures). The first lady had been married for 6 years and her husband had not displayed any physical affection towards her through their entire marriage. The therapist coached caller on asking questions about his childhood. Even though she didn't say this to the caller, it was pretty clear her working hypothesis was that he is an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. The second guy was from a military family and was talking about how he was very rigid and structured (expects everyone in the house awake and beds made by 4am and stuff like that). Again she talked about his childhood (he came from a military family, no surprise there). The interesting part was when she asked him how it made him feel as a child - and he said "I hated it", and yet he was pulling those same things into his adulthood and for his children. Sucks for sure!

Anyway, bottom line is it also made me thing about how many great and awesome things we can have in life, despite the suckage - which manage to co-exists together. Plus we usually totally ignore the good stuff, 'cause our entire focus is spent on the suckage, the pain, the hurt, the anger. Still Sucks!

And then I started thinking about how much of a difference a small gesture would have made in each of my suck examples above.
What if I had gotten out of bed and had breakfast with my Teta?
What if the call-in lady's husband spontaneously held her hand, or kissed her forehead?
What if her husband had an adult he could trust when he was a child, who gave him a feeling of unconditional security and love?
What if call-in guy's Dad had hugged him, or played wrestling with him or let him sleep in on a Saturday?

Suddenly the Suck is shrinking.

So I would like to encourage you (yes you) to tell somebody whom you love that you love them today, give them a hug, smile.
Life is incomplete without these things.

The Woes of being Single

On Saturday we had a Pastor come over to visit to pray for my aunt who has been very sick for a couple of weeks.

So he comes in, sits down, looks straight at me and says "next time I come over, I don't need to see a new car, what I'd like to see is your groom".
To which I reply "yeah, me too!"

So then he starts grilling me on all the stuff I'm doing to find me a husband - I told him I faithfully take out my sandwich board and bell wandering the streets of the city nightly taking applications. (ok, I didn't actually say that, but I really was thinking it)

Then he starts making suggestions around finding someone "back home" - right, just what I need a mail-order husband.

I will let you imagine how wonderfully enhancing to my self-esteem this conversation was ('cause you know since nobody in this Country obviously wants me - well there's always the guys in other countries looking for immigration)

So finally he finishes his exposition and turns to my aunt to ask about her health. And I think Phew!
Ah poor naive me - to think it might have been over.

As he's leaving he turns to me and says "I'd like to give you a little more advice"
"you just need a little bit of diet and exercise, just a little ok? Do you exercise"
"Yes I do, I run 3 times a week actualy"
"oh, ok well then just a little bit of diet then. It's ok because you're tall, but just a little bit of diet". (heaven forbid if if I was short and fat there would be no hope for me, but since I'm tall and fat, some guy may just be willing to settle for me).

What was up with this guy???

I don't think he could have picked on anything else - unless he started telling me I was too smart and shouldn't have gotten all my degrees.

Well at least now I know what's standing in my way - me.

So here I sit in Starbucks, all wired up (woo hoo) and I'm scanning the room....
By the way, I'm still accepting applications ;)