The Best Laid Plans

I have always considered myself a very logical and rational person.  In fact I have prided myself on it.
I think my ideal state might actually be Vulcan.

I remember going to a funeral in support of a work colleague who's baby had died unexpectedly.  I was in the car with 3 other colleagues, and I said something to effect of "I think I am a cold person".  I was contemplating how I often find I am not as emotional or upset as a situation seems to warrant.  I actually have a little trick I employ to keep from crying - I do math in my head.  It's amazing how multiplication tables can stave off tears.

So this being my Modus Operendi - I have been a little taken aback this week as I have come to the  realization that I am ruled by my emotions just as much as the next guy, in a very surprising way.

I noticed how I allow the way I feel about something to drive me to believe that thing is true, and find "evidence" to support that feeling of truth. 

For example when I wake-up feeling like I look good today.  Somehow on those days my clothes fit a little bit looser, my teeth seem a little bit whiter, and my hair seems a little bit less unruly.  If I wake-up the very next day feeling unpretty - my clothes feel tight, I often say I feel like I look like a sausage stuffed into a casing on days like that.
In reality, it's unreasonable to believe that the girth of my figure or the whiteness of my teeth can perceptibly change from a single day to the very next day.  Now the frizz in my hair...that's a whole other story.

This holds true for more than just my appearance.  It somehow manages to effect my intelligence as well.  Do you ever have days when you just feel dumb.  On those days I somehow seem to loose a large percentage of my vocabulary, ability to do simple mathematical tasks like split a bill or figure out a tip, and blank out on trivia knowledge I would normally have at the tip of my tongue.

What I haven't yet put my finger on is what sparks my emotional condition on any given day.  Is it like a bowel movement, predicated on whatever I consumed emotionally 8 hours earlier?  Maybe it's all driven by whatever I dream about.  I never remember my dreams, so this possibility certainly makes it more difficult to control.  And there in lies the rub - because without understanding what sparks emotions, how can we work to drive different emotions.

I guess the real power lies in not changing your emotions, but acknowledging them, and behaving as if they weren't there.  Which bring us back full circle to the mertis of being Vulcan.

Me, Myself & I

Sometimes it feels like I blog about and complain about being single quite a bit.  And trust me sometimes I feel like being single is like walking around with broccoli stuck in your teeth, and everybody is having a good chuckle at it, but nobody is willing to tell you to fix it.

I have been in Orlando this past week on business, and I decided to extend my stay through the week-end, since I've never been here before.  I couldn't find anyone to come with me, so I took the plunge and decided to vacation alone.

Now if you know me with any degree of intimacy, you know that I can't stand being alone.  I would rather be with people than do just about anything else on the planet.  I score 100% on the extroversion scale on the MBTI, and other personality inventories.

But I gotta say there are definitely some advantages to being single that I experienced this week-end.

#1 - nobody to complain about my snoring, so I can go on pretending that I don't snore

#2 - using the single rider lane in Universal Studios got me on most of the rides faster than the people who paid a LOT of money for the Express Pass.

#3 - many other travellers were starting up conversations with me, I guess that's easier to do with one person than with a group of 2 or more.

I had fun.

Now, don't be fooled - I still prefer being with people 100% of the time, and I have hit the max on how much of my own company I can enjoy. 

So get ready, you'll probably be getting a call from me this week to hang out.

Sunshine and Contemplation in the Miraverse

I have just returned from a vacation.

I spent a week in Punta Cana, Domincan Republic. It was a beautiful locale. Sunny, very sunny (so much so that I got the worst sunburn of my life!)

I did a lot of reading. Not as much as I had planned (I brought 8 paperback, and 3 audiobooks). I was conscientious and methodical (big surprise) and alternated between fiction and non-fiction. I got through 4 and a half books.
The cool thing about travelling with my cousin David is the post-mortem I got to complete on some of my thoughts on several of the books with him.

Here's what's bugging me about the trip. I set-out with a plan to rest, re-evaluate and experience some sort of this is my plan moving forward epiphany.
And I did - mostly.
But I've been home less than 24 hours, and already I am back to old routines and poor choices.
I have spent 90% of today in-bed and asleep. Literally. I didn't get out of bed until 5:00pm.
I have just finished checking my email, am in the process of uploading photos to facebook. I haven't unpacked, done laundry, eaten anything or prepared for tomorrow's return to civilization.

While away, I met a lot of fun people, and was amazingly anti-social at times, just wanting to be all alone (which is shockingly unlike me). One of the ladies I met said something very simply profound - "you only get one body, you have to treat it with love". She was right, it was so simple. So I resolved to take care of myself. Take my vitamins, eat regularly, etc....

Can't even keep it up for 24 hours.
This does not bode well....

The question is does it speak to the weakness of my core beliefs? the softness of my resolution? the insincerity of my being?
Or am I just still that tired?

My vote is the last, and it makes me sad that even a week of total rest hasn't restored me.
So I am going to keep searching for rest and balance...the ever elusive balance....

The Miraverse Time Paradox

First you'll need some context.
The Miraverse has been derived from the phrase 'the Mira Universe".

In the encapsulation of the Miraverse time and space, is the reality and the fantasy me that exist simultaneously.
For example the Fantasy me, gets up @ 6am, goes for a jog in a cute outfit everyday, makes her own bread and jam, makes her own clothes (haute couture of course), knits prolifically, hand makes most gifts for others. Embroiders pillowcases, speaks 6 languages, etc...
You get the picture.

The reality me spends a lot of time feeling tired, watching TV, working, working some more, and sneaking as much time out with friends as possible.
Not horrible, but a far cry from the fantasy me.

Ok so here's where the time paradox kicks in. I have been working pretty hard lately. Not that I don't always work hard, but it has included a lot of extra hours. I feel totally disconnected from much else. I am so busy these days, that I am getting frustrated with my schedule.

I have been mentally looking forward to this long week-end for ages! It's been a literal countdown for maybe 2 weeks.

So Friday night was the David Crowder Concert @ Queensway. Rush to finish work a smidgen early, rush to get to the church - complete frustration on an almost completely stopped highway with 4 students who are hot, restless and hungry in the car for well over an hour and fifteen minutes, rush to get something to eat (so hungry, I actually feel sick at this point), miss the entire opening act which was Hillsong Youth.

Saturday, another very, very full day - gym workout, laps in the pool, fixing the steering wheel controls on the car (oh, as an aside, Kevin & Bruce totally figured it out, and it was a faulty harness - so I promised them some kind of manly magic wands, because they were like fairy godmothers - any suggestions on manly magic wands?), visit with friends in the evening.

Today started out with me having to get to church early for welcoming team, then I picked up a pizza for lunch, took a nap, and then ran to Costco to pick a pie for tomorrow's festivities.

Now I am totally bored. I could be knitting, baking, making bread, something - but I am lump on the sofa bored.

So I spend the bulk of my time wishing, hoping, praying for some free time, some slack from the busyness - and then as soon as I get it, I don't know what to do with myself, and I dislike it.

The Miraverse Time Paradox.

Is it almost April already?! How did that happen?

Do you ever get the impression that you are sometimes sleepwalking through your life?
Like you blinked and it's been almost 5 months since your last blog post?

Your everyday routines are so routine at this point that you can move through them on auto-pilot and not even mark the passage of time.

I guess that's been my life. I have this nagging feeling that I am glossing over some blips in the routine continuum, but they haven't bubbled up to the surface of my consciousness yet - so they remain unaccounted for.

The scary part is the thought that the rest of this year will continue this way, and before I know it, it'll be 2011, and then 2020, and then....well, you see the picture is somewhat grim.

Not grim in so much as I have a bad life, I have a great life! Grim in the realization that I keep forgetting to pause, smell the roses, celebrate. And because I don't pause, I don't remember. Life becomes one big blur of the everyday.

I have been away on business this week. It rained all day in Ottawa on Tuesday, and of course I had not packed an umbrella. Well my cabbie gave me his umbrella. And it wasn't a cheapie one either, it was a firefly brand, auto-release umbrella. That was such a kind hearted gesture. And if I hadn't just remembered it, it would have been lost in the semi-coma of my everyday living.

I successfully straightened my own hair with a flat-iron, and minus the minor burn I gave myself in the back of my head, I did a pretty good job.

I know they seem the piddliest of details. But if we don't stop to notice them, than what is life composed of? Periods of sleep in between semi-conscious automaton living?

I'll take the red pill - thanks Morpheus.

Assumptions and presuppositions

Do you ever get frustrated while driving?
Boy do I ever! To begin with I really dislike driving in the first place. I love the freedom and independence it gives me, and I would never go without it. But usually I am driving alone, which, for social me is pretty sucky.

So I am usually just trying to hurry up and get to where ever I am going (not speeding, just in attitude). And some days it feels like every other driver on the road has been purposefully put in my path to slow me down, and muck up my timing.

I know what you're thinking - easy Egotistical there Mira - the world does not revolve around you! And you're right, the impractically of every driver just waiting for me to hit the road, then doing everything in their power to mess with me leans the balance completely away from that theory.

But sometimes, despite my most rational efforts, I can't help but feel that way.

Now here's the funny part - when I get frustrated by other drivers I mutter the make or model of their car, as if it's a bad word. So if for example you cut me off, I would probably say something like "hmmm...Camry". Then For a few minutes I have a genuine dislike of all Camrys. And I always equate the license plate with the newness of the driver. So if your plate starts with an AW or AY or AZ I just figure you're a new driver, and I can add inexperience to the litany of reasons why I don't like you. The irony, I got a new car about a year ago, and my license plate starts with an AX. I am not however a new driver - I've been driving for 12 years (can you believe it's been 12 years already!)

I wonder what other drivers think about me?

Sleepwalking through my day

Do you ever have that experience where you're driving home (usually) from somewhere and you get home, but you don't actually remember the drive, making the turns you're suppose to make - and you just sort of arrive at home?

Have you ever felt your day go by that way?
Just this morning my pod-mate said "can you believe it's almost half-way throught October already?"
And you know, I can't believe it.

Last I remember I was gearing up for Septemeber and it's like I blinked and we're halfway through October. Like I have been sleepwalking through the past 6 weeks.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I haven't had events and moments in those six weeks - I'm sure my itinerary has been litered with them.
But somehow these events and moments seem to fade to the background or become swallowed-up by my routine.

Again, I'm going to blame this weird existental nostalgic turn on my impending Birthday (18 days and counting!!)- always makes me reflective - works much better than New Year's for me :)

And hey at least I'm not litering these pages with a search for the meaning of life - more like the details of living it.

As a totally unrelated aside - I made a pretty awesome Butter Chicken out of our leftover Turkey today - well I guess that makes it a Butter Turkey technically. It was yummy!!

Am I Unbalanced?

So I went for my monthly massage yesterday. Yes, I get a massage once a month - part of my self-care plan because I work in a high stress environment, and I get good benefits.

Anyways, I'm on the table and my RMT starts working my muscles and I am so ridiculously tight that I think I can actually hear her panting with the strain, and feel the sweat trickling off her forehead!
She's working on my right shoulder for what feels like 20 minutes, then she actually has to get her elbow involved. She says to me "nice shoulder", to which I reply, "yeah, I put it to good use."
Near the end of my massage, she's working on my neck, and it feels like somebody decided to hide a bag of marbles back there. I say to her "Wow! It's been a while since my neck's been this tight eh?" "I don't think it's ever been this tight."

Today, I feel like I've been hit by a truck, then the truck driver came over to see how I was doing and decided to beat me up to finish the job! Everything hurts! It's crazy.

I understand the mechanics of a massage, that my muscles have tightened and shortened. That an RMT manipulates that muscle, puts strain on it to trigger a release so the muscle can stretch out to what it should be. That over time, since muscles have memory, they will "remember" being stretched and proper and resist shrinking and tightening (and stretch more easily next time).

Here's what my day of muscular agony got me thinking about:
I try and eat healthy - protein load at lunch to keep me alert, increase the carbs at night to promote sleepiness, no caffeine, minimal sugar, "healthy fats", etc...
I run 3 times a week - I'm not a star, but I'm faithfully doing it
I get massages once a month
I "debrief" intense calls with co-workers or supervisors as needed
I have good friends, watch good TV, and have good fun

I am basically scheduling what's good for me - or what's suppose to be good for me.
Why do I have to work so hard at achieving "balance"?
It seems a little contradictory to me that I seem to have filled-up my life with complications (as evidenced by my muscular revolt) in order to try and simplify my life.

I heard it said somewhere that when the internet and mobile phone technology were first introduced some business head honcho said "This is a great technological leap, in 10 years we will work half the time and accomplish twice as much".

I feel like I work twice as hard and accomplish half as much.
I can't even imagine how people survived when it took half a day to make a loaf of bread to feed your family - how did they get anything other than bread making and eating done?

Ah well, enough pondering - back to my TO DO list.

Never Too Late To Start

Ok so this is my first attempt at a Blog - I hope it's not abysmal.

It's Sunday evening - and I've been home most of the day - well I went to Church this morning and then went to lunch after church.
And I'm a little bored! Somehow I'm always bored when I'm home.

I had tons of stuff to do today, and I came home from lunch all set to attack my mile long to do list. And I got it all done, then it was 4:30pm and I was again bored.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't so efficient! Well that's not true, I just wish I didn't get bored so quickly.

Unluckily I start work at 7am tomorrow - so not much of today left for me - I'm going to do my best to transition from bored to sleeping in a few short hours. Probably skipping the tired step - seeing as I've been lazing around bored for most of the afternoon.