All you need is Love.....

Today is my birthday.

Normally that brings about very mixed emotions from me. I love and hate it at the same time. I am usually very concerned about having some type of celebration, and I usually also make a pretty huge stink about counting down for weeks leading up to it. Mostly this is because I have a real thing about being forgotten. I have had several experiences in my history when I have been forgotten by people - physically forgotten, stranded. And it has created in me a genuine subconscious, ever-present fear of being forgotten.

So I spends weeks, sometimes even more then a month counting down to my birthday, planning a party or parties, etc... to ensure that I am not forgotten, and am celebrated. (sounds kinda narcissistic when I put it down on paper like this)

I also tend to get pretty depressed around my birthday. I have blogged about this before. I start to examine and evaluate my life, and always come up short on my own expectations.

This year has been different. I am not sure what elicited the change. I considered having a birthday party, but everyone's schedules (my own included) are so packed this time of year, it felt like I might be able to get something going in April! And I didn't really do the countdown. I haven't been secretive or hiding the date or anything, just wasn't a walking billboard for weeks.

And while I have stumbled into thought pockets of "what do I have to show for myself" they have been fewer then usual, and I have had some good metaphorical face slapping from good friends to snap me out if it quickly.

And most amazingly of all, without any prompting from me, people have been celebrating with me, and sending me their good wishes. And it feels so much more powerful this year, because it wasn't elicited.

I feel genuinely loved (or positively esteemed), by an entire slew of people. It is awesome!

And it's all in the little things. The colleagues who treated me to lunch today; the serenade of Happy Birthday I got when I came into the office; the cake Danielle made me (in my favourite colour) & having SWAT sing for me; the well wishes on my wall on Facebook; the text messages and phone calls; being called "birthday girl" all day (even when the whole sentence was "the birthday girl needs to get her ass in gear"); Steve's admonition of (and well wishes on) being one year closer to death.

It is all wonderful! and I think my face might actually be sore tomorrow form just how much smiling I am doing today, and how happy I feel.

I feel like the grinch when his heart grew.

THANK YOU!!

The Miraverse Time Paradox

First you'll need some context.
The Miraverse has been derived from the phrase 'the Mira Universe".

In the encapsulation of the Miraverse time and space, is the reality and the fantasy me that exist simultaneously.
For example the Fantasy me, gets up @ 6am, goes for a jog in a cute outfit everyday, makes her own bread and jam, makes her own clothes (haute couture of course), knits prolifically, hand makes most gifts for others. Embroiders pillowcases, speaks 6 languages, etc...
You get the picture.

The reality me spends a lot of time feeling tired, watching TV, working, working some more, and sneaking as much time out with friends as possible.
Not horrible, but a far cry from the fantasy me.

Ok so here's where the time paradox kicks in. I have been working pretty hard lately. Not that I don't always work hard, but it has included a lot of extra hours. I feel totally disconnected from much else. I am so busy these days, that I am getting frustrated with my schedule.

I have been mentally looking forward to this long week-end for ages! It's been a literal countdown for maybe 2 weeks.

So Friday night was the David Crowder Concert @ Queensway. Rush to finish work a smidgen early, rush to get to the church - complete frustration on an almost completely stopped highway with 4 students who are hot, restless and hungry in the car for well over an hour and fifteen minutes, rush to get something to eat (so hungry, I actually feel sick at this point), miss the entire opening act which was Hillsong Youth.

Saturday, another very, very full day - gym workout, laps in the pool, fixing the steering wheel controls on the car (oh, as an aside, Kevin & Bruce totally figured it out, and it was a faulty harness - so I promised them some kind of manly magic wands, because they were like fairy godmothers - any suggestions on manly magic wands?), visit with friends in the evening.

Today started out with me having to get to church early for welcoming team, then I picked up a pizza for lunch, took a nap, and then ran to Costco to pick a pie for tomorrow's festivities.

Now I am totally bored. I could be knitting, baking, making bread, something - but I am lump on the sofa bored.

So I spend the bulk of my time wishing, hoping, praying for some free time, some slack from the busyness - and then as soon as I get it, I don't know what to do with myself, and I dislike it.

The Miraverse Time Paradox.

Nature's Wonder

It's been quite a week for natural wonders - and somehow I just keep missing it all.

on Monday night, Jupiter was especially close to the earth - and won't be that close again until 2022.
So as is my usual when I hear about celestial phenomena, I wanted to check it out. And as usual again, my execution plan was less than perfect.

I got home around 10pm, and decided first to try and see if I could see anything from my balcony. Well, the answer to that is of course not! So then I walked over to the park by my place - still nothing. I could barely see the dipper, which is often quite visible form the night sky in my neck of the woods.

Sadly, I should have know that there is no way the light would have allowed me to see what I was looking for. The smarter plan would have been to drive a little ways out of the city, away from the lights - into a nice open field, and look up and enjoy.
But seriously, in what universe is that a realistic plan for a single woman in the middle of the night.

Last night I was driving home it was around 9:30pm. I was driving north on Yonge. It was very humid - I know because my curly hair acts as a very reliable barometer, it was about twice its normal volume. It was dry, not raining at all. And the sky in front of me kept lighting up. It wasn't the same as when you see a lightning bolt in the distance, it was as if someone was flicking lights on an off in the sky up ahead.
It was magnificent!
I have never seen anything like it.

Then, either it didn't storm by my house, or I was so completely passed out in sleep, that I had no experience of it. Today at work, most everyone was speaking of being woken by the storm, and watching it in fascination - I was completely oblivious.

These anecdotes make me wonder just how closely I come to so many other wonders in life, and yet they slip me by, either because I am oblivious to them, or as a result of poor planning, and minimal effort.

Git 'Er Done

August 30th.
Yes that's right, it's August 30th.
Two more sleeps and it's September 1st.

I always find it amazing that despite the fact that I graduated University a full 10 years ago, September remains an important milestone within the year.

There are several such milestones, most of which are somewhat individual for most of us. For me, there are the following ones:

#1 - my Birthday. This is a very important date for me (if you know me at all, you know this is almost an understatement). But it's also often a "take stock of your life, and what you have accomplished" time for me, which I often feel I fall short in, and leads to me being a little sad around this time. Ironically never because I am aging, but just because I feel inappropriately accomplished for my age.

#2 - Christmas. This is the holiday in which the fantasy me always imagines a Normal Rockwell-esque visa vie Martha Stewart gathering of a large group of people who are near and dear to my heart enjoying great food and drink. Accompanied by the allure of a gaggle of gifts beautifully wrapped under a lavishly decorated tree. The reality of which doesn't come close to comparing - or bear mention. But nevertheless, I do love the joviality of Christmas, I enjoy buying gifts for others, receiving gifts from others, and the meal my family of 4 shares every year. Not to mention the religious significance of the time of year.

#3 - September. Maybe it's because I'm a bit of a stationary junkie, and I love back to school shopping for this reason. Maybe it's the new crispness in the air, after weeks of sometimes stifling heat (if we're lucky). There is something about this time of year that makes me feel the need to plan, to keep an agenda, to set forth some new year's resolutions.

And so in that spirit, there are two key things (maybe 3) that I would love to accomplish maybe before my birthday, and most definitely before the new year. So I am marking them here, for some witnesses. Hold me to this, I know it's doable!

First - I would like to replace the stereo in my car. I would like one with an aux port, so I can plug my iPod straight in. I would like to not send it to a shop to have it done, but learn to do it myself (with some very needed, and very capable help of a few car guys). I am easily motivated for this one as my stereo just started skipping while playing CDs on my trip to Maine with my Dad a few weeks ago.

Second - I want to get my motorcycle licence. I have been wanting this for a reasonable amount of time now. To tell the truth, I have only been on a motorcycle once, it was in 1997, and it was AWESOME! I am not sure what the kernel of fear is that has kept me from taking action, but I think enough is enough - I have wanted this long enough, the desire is not going away, I need to just do it. I have no idea how to start, so tips and advice are welcome :) but I need to start looking into this.

Third - It would be great if I could buy a small chandelier for my dining area. This shouldn't be to hard, I just need to buy one I like (I already have an idea around that), and then get some help to install it.

Those are my cards out on the table. Hopefully making them public will help to hold me to them.

Getting Caught in the Rain

I was in Montreal for most of last week on business. Montreal is reputed to be an amazing city, with shopping, dining and sights that are from another time and place. Sadly while I know this to be true, this was not my experience last week.

My office, and hence my hotel is in a suburb called ST.Laurent. It's close to the airport, and not much else.
So I was only there for 2 nights...and there were a few restaurants and such within walking distance of my hotel.

The first night, it was raining when I went to walk out, and so I wisely borrowed a hotel umbrella from the concierge. But the second night it was sunny, without a cloud in the sky when I left the hotel and I did not consider the possibility of rain later on.

So I was bored, and had done a lot of perusing of the sparse offerings the night before - I needed something that I could do that would use up a good chunk of my evening. Enter - the movie theater I walked by. I figured I could get something to eat in there, and watching a movie would take me to around 9pm, at which time I could go back to my hotel, get ready for bed, and manage to have passed the evening away.

If you know me at all, you know that I am a SUPER SOCIAL person, and going to the movies alone is pretty low on my list of fun things to do. But I figured I needed to just suck it up, and go for it.
So I buy my ticket, and dinner (can you believe I got chicken fingers and fries from the concession stand?!?) and head into the theater.

I am the only person in the theater. Ok, it is a Thursday night, and the movie doesn't star for another 20 minutes, but seriously - the ONLY ONE! This is getting creepy.

About 5 minutes before the movie starts a couple walks in, I can't tell you the relief I feel. They come in, and sit directly behind me. I make a funny comment about how glad I am they came in, and didn't leave me alone. We strike up a conversation, and chit-chat until the lights dim and the movie begins.

Approximately halfway through the movie, I start hearing some noises from behind me. Now, naive as I am, it took me a minute to realize that my new friends, were being exceptionally friendly with each other. Ok, no problem, just ignore them, and make sure to not even hint at turning around.
Once the movie was over they went darting out before the house lights came on, but the guy did pause for a second to wish me an enjoyable rest of my trip in Montreal.

I step out of the theater, and it's thunder storming. I take a deep breath, pull my incredibly flimsy shrug closer in around my neck, clamp my hand on my purse, and step out into the action. It's cold, and the rain drops are heavy, they actually hurt as they land on me. I get about halfway to the hotel when this car stops, the passenger window rolls down, and the lone male driver offers me a lift. Now I'm from Toronto, and I have an ethnic mother (who's a catastrophizer) I have already identified the 17 ways this man could capture, molest, torture and kill me before he finished rolling the window down. So I kind of frown at him, and he figures I don;t understand his French, so he repeats his offer in English. I frown even more deeply (if that's possible) and say "Non, ça va" I didn't even say thank you. He shrugs, rolls up his window and drives on.
Now it occurs to me that not every stranger who stops to help has to have evil intentions. I would never actually get into a car with a single strange man - but I could have been a little nicer in my declining his offer.

I get back to the hotel, soaked through, and my adventures seem to be over for the evening.

The next morning, I am leaving my hotel room, the door shuts behind me, and I hear some unusual noises from the room directly across mine. Now it's 7:45am, and all's quiet on the eastern front - except for the strange noises. Again, I'm a little slow when it comes to these things, and it is pretty early in the morning - it took me a minute to register what I was hearing.

What is up with Montreal?! That's twice in less than twenty-four hours. Although hopefully the folks in the movie theater were not quite as engaged as the folks in the hotel room. At this point it's conjecture - but I'd like to believe that it's true.

That's what happens when I get caught in the rain.

SERVE 2010

I think it was as early as last summer when Brent, the youth pastor @ my church started talking about taking the youth on a missions trip this summer.
In his usual Brent fashion, he slipped the idea of me attending in a sly drive-by statement "you should think about coming". That's all he said.

And I started mulling it over, pretty much right away.
You need to know that I have never in my life been on a Missions trip. I have never been any kind of athletic person, I never even learned how to ride a bike. My parents are academics, and I grew up learning to value my head, not my body so much.

Also, we have 4 male leaders for our kids, and only Angela and I for female leaders. So I kinda felt like it was important to go if I was able.

So, I did it, I requested the vacation, was approved, and bit the bullet and let Brent know that I was on-board. That's pretty much when the anxiety began. I was worried about everything.
I am not the best of long-distance drivers, cars and sunshine in combination make me sleepy, regardless of whether I am the driver or not. but I knew that I needed to do my share of the driving, what if it was too much for me?
We were taking a group of minors to a different country, that's a lot of responsibility. What if one of them got hurt, or homesick, or denied access at the border?
We were going to work. I don't know anything about fixing up a house, using tools (well, I know my different screwdriver heads, and how to use a hammer), anything "handyman"-ish. And I am suppose to lead a group of youths through work projects?!? What was I to do when they asked me a question, and I had no idea of the answer? When they looked to me for direction, and I had no idea what path to take?
What if I didn't have the stamina to work all day? What if i was a poor example?

That last one, was the most heavy on my heart. What if I was a poor example? That was part of my job as a leader right? To present a good example, to lead by working alongside. But what if I couldn't do it?

As if my fears were not active enough, we learned in February that as leaders we would be assigned a group of youths, not necessarily from our own group. So now I was doing this all with strangers! Our host team mentioned that there was a surplus of leaders this year, and so some groups would have 2 leaders instead of one. the letter implied that most leaders would not want this - I was the total opposite. I prayed fervently to be assigned another leader. Another person to share the burden and responsibility and hopefully be a SME (subject matter expert) on the work stuffs.

I didn't really tel anybody about all my worries, at first. As we got closer and closer to the date of departure, I couldn't help but release some of my thoughts. Nobody seemed to think it was a big deal. "don't worry, we'll figure it out", "you'll be fine". It was not as reassuring as I had hoped.

The same week, I was headed to Muskegon for Serve, I had a friend headed to Manitoulin Island in Manitoba for a missions trip as well. I remember sharing with her, and her words of reassurance, were the soothing balm I was seeking. She said, "it's not about all that stuff Miriam. Your job is only to surrender yourself to God. Don't worry about being a good leader or a good example. Just pray, constantly - and surrender yourself. Let God do the rest, he's got it covered." She had given me something I could do.

So bright and early on Saturday July 10th (way before my insides wake-up) I headed to the church in what felt like a beast of a van compared to my Mazda3, and our adventure began.
Brent had worked out a driving schedule (I am sure entirely to appease my concerns about my skills at long distance driving) - we packed the vans, and we were off. 9 youths, 5 leaders - armed with passports and border crossing letters for the minors, we ventured forth into an unexpected week of intense labour (ok this part was expected), banquet style food in US portion sizes, a jam-packed scheduled that ran 7am-11pm daily, being surrounded by others' gratitude, and fun.

We were told that Michigan is the second leading state in terms of poverty, and that Muskegon (the city we were in) was one of the poorest in the state.

It was intense, physically - completely exhausting. Every morning as the week progressed, it became harder and harder to get up. Not that waking-up is an easy thing for me to begin with.
We painted a laundromat for the homeless and low-income people of the community. We helped to prep and paint a little of a house that had been condemned by the government, we replaced old boards with new one on a bike trail, and put up snow fencing around sand dunes to protect against erosion. That was just what my team (5 awesome youths, whom I had never met before, from the US and Canada) worked on. There were a lot of other projects going as well (building wheelchair ramps for a couple of homes, building a shed for Habitat for Humanity, serving food from a Gleaner's truck, etc...)

God had granted me the second leader I had so fervently prayed for - with a twist. She was not set to arrive and join us until our last work-day. This was a gift from God absolutely. I had hurt my back quick seriously 2 weeks before leaving for Muskegon. I was left completely immobile for almost a week. It hurt so badly, I demanded x-rays from my family doctor because I thought I had fractured my pelvis. And remember that I was a labourer to begin with, so this added challenge of worrying about my back, and not being able to lift was a legitimate complication.

Our final day of work, was the snow fencing for the sand dunes. We had to carry heaving fencing and posts, plus a couple of post pounders up a steep series of stairs to begin the work. I think if I had been alone I may have actually cried in frustration at my inability to do the task. I couldn't even co-carry the fencing with someone else - I could only push it: which got it from the truck to the base of the stairs.
My co-leader was very familiar with hard work, she did such a great job of organizing the work, the youth , and even was able to carry an entire bale of fencing herself up the stairs. She literally saved the day.

There are so many things that happened this week in Muskegon. Many stories for many other days. Some will have your rolling with laughter, others will have you slowly breathing out to try and suppress tears. Overall, I hope it was life changing. Well actually it was, the question is will I rise to the occasion, and avoid falling into the life I had before.

And it has again reinforced my experience that in trying to be selfless and do something solely for the benefit and betterment of others, I can not avoid being moved and bettered myself.

Demotivation

Ouf! I have been hit.
It's worse than the smart of a paintball at close range.
Motivation down!
Doesn't look like much can save it.....

Here's my situation:

I ordered some furniture from Costco online assuming it would be delivered fully assembled. It was not. So I got excited when I received them, and spend 5 hours assembling the first one. That's right, you just read 5 hours!
The instructions were so poor, that I ended up doing it wrong several times throughout the process. And my need to screw-in, and unscrew over and over and over again, managed to strip the wood, strip the screws. It's not pretty.
So I managed to get the one done, but have been pretty intimidated to do the other one. Plus stuff like that always goes better with 2 minds and 4 hands.

Then I asked a friend to help me put the other one together, and he said sure, but has been super busy and unavailable since I asked. Thankfully I was telling Matt and Leah about my frustrations, and Matt has offered to help me.

So that's one problem sorta fixed.

If only that were it.

So I also need lamps for my room to put on my new (hopefully soon to be assembled) night tables, because I have been reading by book lamp, and it's just not good for my eyes.

So I FINALLY make it out to IKEA today (I have been planning to go for 3 weeks). I bought the lamps I wanted, nice tall, thin ones so they don't take up too much space or overpower the room. I also bought 2 kinds of light bulbs (different wattage) to complete the package. So I get home, and happily tear into one of the lamps (for the one nightstand I actually have assembled and in place) - and would you believe that the light bulbs don't fit! They are somehow too big at the base.
I am so frustrated I am about a blink away from giving up on building/improving/ever leaving the house again.

ARGH!! I hate getting so close, but not being able to complete something properly.
And I hate asking for help, because I feel like it makes me look incompetent. So now I have had to ask for help twice for the build, and I will have to ask someone at least once about the light bulb issue.

And I remain nightstand-less and light-less.

Is it almost April already?! How did that happen?

Do you ever get the impression that you are sometimes sleepwalking through your life?
Like you blinked and it's been almost 5 months since your last blog post?

Your everyday routines are so routine at this point that you can move through them on auto-pilot and not even mark the passage of time.

I guess that's been my life. I have this nagging feeling that I am glossing over some blips in the routine continuum, but they haven't bubbled up to the surface of my consciousness yet - so they remain unaccounted for.

The scary part is the thought that the rest of this year will continue this way, and before I know it, it'll be 2011, and then 2020, and then....well, you see the picture is somewhat grim.

Not grim in so much as I have a bad life, I have a great life! Grim in the realization that I keep forgetting to pause, smell the roses, celebrate. And because I don't pause, I don't remember. Life becomes one big blur of the everyday.

I have been away on business this week. It rained all day in Ottawa on Tuesday, and of course I had not packed an umbrella. Well my cabbie gave me his umbrella. And it wasn't a cheapie one either, it was a firefly brand, auto-release umbrella. That was such a kind hearted gesture. And if I hadn't just remembered it, it would have been lost in the semi-coma of my everyday living.

I successfully straightened my own hair with a flat-iron, and minus the minor burn I gave myself in the back of my head, I did a pretty good job.

I know they seem the piddliest of details. But if we don't stop to notice them, than what is life composed of? Periods of sleep in between semi-conscious automaton living?

I'll take the red pill - thanks Morpheus.

Popping the bubble

I have often been told that I am quite sheltered and live in a bit of a "bubble".
In all honesty I like my bubble - it's cozy and safe.

Well here's the thing I have noticed about people's perspectives. Because they have experienced some different aspects of life than I have, they feel everyone should experience these aspects.
but these experiences have not always or even often been positive for my peers - however they just don't like my being on the other side of the proverbial fence so to speak.

And I am kinda ok with having been sheltered from certain experiences and associated pains.

What I find unusual is if my bubble isn't hurting anyone, and it costs you nothing to support me in it, so why are some people so adamant about challenging me in it? It is my choice, and it's a choice I make rationally, without any impairment or infirmament to cloud my judgement.

So next time you see my bubble, maybe just give it a polish instead of trying to shatter it with a kick.

Dream analysts unite!

I had the absolute weirdest dream last night (technically this morning).
So strange in fact (well strange and unprecedented for me) that I sat in bed thinking about it for a good half an hour after I woke up.

Ok so Here's how the dream played out:
It's midday, and I have a meeting for some committee for Church (maybe I dreamed this part because I just got an email from Pastor Steve about facilities use?).
So we're meeting in a chapter's like cafe.
I go rushing in because I am late (as usual), and see Brent and Nathaniel sitting at a table. I am about to approach them, when I suddenly realize that I am almost completely naked. I am saved from total ruin by a pair of white cotton undies. (I have NEVER dreamed of myself as naked before)

Of course I freak out. But I don't want anybody else to know that I am freaking out or draw attention to myself in any way. So I hide behind a conveniently placed stack of books and pop my head out and start casually chatting with the boys. Then Kevin comes along, and walks in from right behind me. Thankfully not noticing my state of undress, or that anything is out of the ordinary. (phew!)
Next come Amy and Boomer together. And Amy of course notices, and of course exclaims rather loudly about my condition, drawing attention to us. I am mortified! Now everyone in our party and the entire store has been made aware of my situation.

So Amy and Boomer walk around the store to find me some clothes to put on. And of course in my magical dream world, the bookstore/cafe suddenly has racks of clothes in it (that I didn't notice before). So they grab me a white long sleeved T. There are some cirque du soleil moments as I try to put the shirt on without revealing any skin, hiding behind the stack of books.

once the shirt is on, I feel a little less constricted in my ability to move around. I wander through the stacks of clothes and find a red sheath dress, which I put on on-top of the long sleeved T. So I go from too little dress, to a little too much. And I look ridiculous with white sleeves sticking out of a red dress.

but I hold my head up high - thanks to the total and complete mortification of my experience, and walk what I hope looks calmly to the table where the guys are seated, and try to act like nothing happened.

Then I woke-up.

my 100th Post

Wow! I have written and posted 100 times.

That is an accomplishment.

I don't post as often as I planned to.

And I'm not often as funny/ironical as I had hoped to be.

But it is cool to have this record.
So I thought it might be neat to reminisce about favourite posts - you know like how TV shows do flashback episodes of favourite or best moments.

This means I need your help - let me know which of my posts is one of your favourites.
For me I love the one where I explain how my mother is a catastrophizer - "The Sky is Falling"
That is my favourite post.

The Power of the Human Mind

I've heard rumors.
I've even heard testimonials.
But I have never before experienced it, and as such never before believed it for myself.

You can make something your reality, simply by willing it to be so.

For Example:

#1 - If you've ever heard me tell a story about the way that I run, you'll know that I am hands down the world's slowest runner - no hyperbole.

I run so slowly, that you could probably be walking backwards beside me and still have to slow your pace.

I also tire of running very quickly, despite years of practice. I have only managed to run 5K 4 times ever, even though I joined the 5K clinic @ the Running Room 4 times.

I used to run with some coworkers, and one used to always tell me I needed to just put my mind to it and it would happen. I never bought it. When I would say I was tired and would be about to stop, she would say "ok, just run to the fire hydrant" or some other landmark. When I would reach it, and again, be about to stop, she would say "no, I meant the next one".
And it mostly worked. But I always hit that point that no matter what she said, I just could not go on. And I never managed to run nearly as long or as far on my own.

#2 - I have very recently discovered that I can make up my mind not to feel something, and I just stop feeling it. I haven't figured out yet how to make up my mind to feel something that I don't.
But this was revolutionary for me. I just decided one day, that I was going to stop feeling A, and it held. I no longer feel A, and it's been about a month. Yay me! This is especially exciting to me because I find that emotions cloud objectivity. And so when I can remove my emotions, I can make a much better, much more rational decision.

Now if I could figure out how to feel where there is an absence of feeling that might come in handy as well: then I could add an emotional exclamation mark to my rational decisions.
There is much to be said for the fervor and commitment that is born of passion.

I guess it can't hurt to keep trying - so if you walk past me sometime and I look like Hiro Nakamura - I'm not trying to stop time, but rather add emotion.

Obsession

I am obsessed.
I can't escape it.
Every thing I say, do and see, I mould my perception of, to fit my obsession.

It's surprisingly common - and documented by attribution theory, sort of.

ok so Attribution theory tells us amongst other things, that we will always interpret our environments to match our beliefs and perceptions in order to avoid cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance is psychologically discordant, and thus uncomfortable - so our psyche works pretty diligently to avoid it - sometimes by changing our beliefs, other times by discarding sensory information, and most commonly by trying to make our sensory information fit into our beliefs.

So let's take an example where you are interested in someone else. And you really really want them to be interested in you. You will interpret every word, every gesture, every action from this other person as a sign of their interest. We all do it, we even ask our friends to interpret in our favour..."then he said XYZ, but he said it this way...what do you think that means? Do you think it means he likes me too?" And as friends we support this fallacy "what else could it mean? He said it this way.....he would only have said it this way if he was actually interested..."

And we feed the obsession. We become obsessed with analyzing every last detail of every minute everything...and really at the core, it's a useless endeavour.

I am obsessed with several things - a couple of reality TV shows, a couple of not so reality TV shows, completing my daily TO DO list at work, and more.....

And everyday when I wake up, everything I say, do and see always serve to solidify my obsession.

I would feel trapped, except I am aware - and in the infamous words of the G.I. Joe " knowing is half the battle!"

Hidden Talent

If you're a girl you're very familiar with the ability to put a shirt on top of another shirt and then take the shirt underneath off. Without showing an inch of skin the entire time.

If you ask a girl how we learned to do so, we'll talk about gym class and modesty - truth is it's an expression of insecurity about the quality of our bodies underneath.
So we all learn to do it pretty early on, and we do it often, and perfect it while still pretty young.

Today I was at Canada's Wonderland, and I got a little chilly around 8:30pm, so I put my sweatshirt on. but then I found that because I had 2 T-Shirts on underneath, it was a little too hot. So I twisted and finagled, and managed to take my base layer T-Shirt off, under the other T-Shirt and Sweatshirt. And True to form, I do so without flashing an inch of skin.

Well I was impressed with my accomplishment - it's not easy taking a fitted T off under another slightly less fitted T. And so as we were leaving the concert area, I wondered about my ability to do accomplish a similar task with pants.

I was wearing my jean capris (they are loose, this has an effect). So I took my also very loose yoga pants out of my bag, and put them on on top of my jean capris. Well with twisting and hopping, and taking off of a shoe - I did it!

I was able to take off one pair of pants from underneath another pair of pants without flashing anybody.

Angela is my witness.

Admittedly I must have looked ridiculous, hopping around on one foot. And when I managed to get one leg off, and had to shove it back up over to the other leg to then come down and off - I had a few moments where I looked like I had an elephant crawling down my leg under my pants.

But a monumental accomplishment it remains, despite how foolish it may have looked.

I feel very accomplished and proud.

What a way to start the day

So this morning I'm minding my own business and driving to work on a dreary, drizzly Thursday morning.

I look over to my left, and the guy in the passenger seat of a white cube van is looking over at me. (you know the kinda van, where they store dead bodies in the back in B movies).

So I kinda look away, but then peek back again, and smile at him.

So now he rolls down his window, and is kinda half sticking out - to look over at me.

Ok so this has pushed past my threshold of ok into mildly concerning/creepy - and I do my best not to look at him again.

Well about a block and half later he leans out, and blows me a kiss. I couldn't help but giggle.
Then the car had to change lanes, and I continued along my merry way to work.

But suddenly I was smiling despite the dreary drizzly day.

Thank you cute stranger - it was a nice way to start my day.

The Friend Zone

Do you have any friends who just always seem to magically float from one relationship to another? You know the guy/gal who always seems to meet someone at the grocery store, or Tim Horton's, after about 2 weeks of being single. And somehow their 5 minute conversation with this incredibly cute member of the opposite sex, leads to a phone number exchange, and usually at least a few dates, if nothing else.

And then there are people like me (please God, don't let me be the only one!) We have no trouble talking to people of the opposite sex, and make friends quite easily. But somehow for that one person that we kinda like, we always seem to NOT turn into a potential love interest for them, but rather a best bud.

Somehow you go from imagining what your "new name" would sound like, to giving him advice about how to approach the person he's interested in. The advice giving smarts worse than road rash on your face with your salty sweat running down into it.

I know that I am very guarded about my interest in someone, and I wonder if most of the guys I've liked would even have a clue that I ever did. But still - how is it that this keeps happening to me?

I have developed a theory that every interaction with an available member of the opposite sex (assuming that is whom you are attracted to), begins with the potential for a more than just friends relationship. No matter how buried beneath the surface, and unbeknownst to your conscious mind - it's there. Now there seems to be a pivotal point where the potential shifts and you are firmly in the friend zone.

I don't know what tips the scales in the favour of the friend zone. I refuse to buy the line "you're just too good a catch" - that's a bunch of malarky. If you truly were that incredible a catch, shouldn't you be beating off suitors with a stick?! (but thanks for trying to stroke my battered Ego anyways)

And the timing is not fixed - it can take a moment, a day, a week or a month. I've personally never had it take more than a month, but that may be just me.

So many variables remain undisclosed. And the mystery of the friend zone remains.

Nothing I can do about it, until I figure it out I guess - until then, here's to my next "friend".

This is NOT a Pitt Stop

Lately I have found myself in an oddly reflective frame of mind.

It's a good kind of reflection. Powerful, encouraging and motivating.


And true to form, God is coming at me from all directions to drive this new truth home.


So here's what's been going on:


#1 - I've started hanging out with an old friend again. It's been a while since we connected. She's a blast! I have been so invigorated by my interactions with her. She's the first person I have ever met who has actually thoroughly celebrated being single. Most people I know whether consciously or subconsciously treat being single as a pitt stop. A necessary but temporary state towards the goal.

And while I do want to get married and have a family of my own, I have caught her enthusiasm for "this is perfect for right now, and purposeful right now!"


So while I am a novice at living in the moment, and not worrying about tomorrow, because today has enough troubles of it's own (Matthew 6:34) - I am amazed at the effect my just starting out baby steps have had.



For example, my previous self, if I had met a guy that seemed nice, and cute, and interesting would probably would have started thinking about what we would be like in a relationship together, what our wedding would look like, and probably even what we would name our children.



The new and improved me, just thinks, cool, nice guy, cute and interesting. And that's it!



The old me would get uncomfortable when a stranger would smile at me - I'd think, who is this person, what do they want, and my future thinking brain would wander.


The new me, was walking to class last week, and a very very good looking guy smiled at me. So my live in the moment self smiled back.

It was nice.

It's not always easy, my brain is so used to being a future-thinking entity. Sometimes I have to push the future thinking back down. And sometimes it's ok to let the future thinker wander - it is an important part of somethings, just not EVERYTHING.

I am really enjoying the new and improved try-to-live-in-the-moment-most-of-the-time me.

The up-swing

Amazing the things that can happen in a week. And the huge effects it can have on one's mood and outlook.

My Teta (read grandmother in Arabic) is home from hospital. She had a lumbar puncture, which drained some of the excess CSF in her brain. And has resulted in some very positive albeit slight improvements.

I finished my group presentation in the course I am taking, just one final paper to complete (I am procrastinating a little on completing it) and 3 classes left.

I have actual food in house more often than not now, not only beverages :)

It's not pitch black outside at 4:30pm anymore!! I actually didn't have to turn my headlights on in my car until 7:43pm yesterday!

And I am feeling great!
It's such a turn around.
I was tired and grumpy, and sick just a little while ago!

So I'm looking to celebrate!
Life is sweet.
God is good (well, God is always good, I just wasn't paying attention for a while).

I HATE feeling helpless

I think my parents were extra-diligent to make me independent and self-sufficient. Maybe it was foreshadowing for the future they knew was inevitable.
Then when my parents' divorced I was totally parentified, and had to flex my "be in charge" skills.

And they did a good job, I am good at it.

I don't know how to ask for help, because even when I wanted/needed it, there was nobody around who could help.
So I learned how to figure things out on my own. How to take care of things.
That is my job. My role.

I think that's also why my mom relies on me so much in facilitating the care of my grandmother.

Here's where my steps start to falter. I feel so helpless, and I don't know how to deal with that. My mom is stressed, and over-reacting (as she is apt to do), and my whole family is looking at me to take charge.
And I'm trying, but what can I do?

Sometimes I think if only I had followed through with becoming a doctor I could be more helpful now. But then, I might have been just as helpless, it's not like I had planned to be a geriatric psychiatrist or neurologist.

My grandmother was admitted to hospital today, for hopefully what will prove to be a short stay. She had a CT scan done when we brought her to the emergency room 2 weeks ago, and it showed some hydrocephalus(sp?).
So now she needs some more tests, and possibly a spinal tap to help drain the excess CSF.

It's funny how I expected to spend the bulk of my life working in a hospital, and how I never minded them, and now I hate hospitals.

Her room stinks of urine.
She seems so small, and distraught by all the strangeness around her.
A different stranger (part of the nursing staff and medical team) keeps coming in to ask the same questions.

I can hear the others in other rooms, and their loved ones, trying to help, trying to bring some routine and normalcy into this abnormal existence.

And I feel totally helpless. I can't do anything when she complains of pain, because she can't tell me where it hurts. I can't tell the doctors what to do, because they're already doing what they can, and what they should. Well, that and they know more than me :)

I don't know how to help reassure my mom or my aunt, so I just snap at them to hold it together. Tell them this is not the time or the place to behave this way. Then I feel guilty. It's not fair, that's how they're handling what's going on, they have a right to their own coping strategies.

So I am left feeling helpless, and I hate it.

Karma

Do you ever notice how people always only ever talk about Karma in a negative sense?
They seem to only notice when things are not going well.

I am no exception, I was over at a friend's last night, and I guess said something about having bad Karma several times - and well I was called on it.

Now the other weird thing about my perceptions of Karma is that it's not overarching, it seems to be localized to certain areas. However by definition, Karma is a general overarching principle - you get back what you put out.

So I technically have good Karma for some things - I seem to win a lot of tickets to sporting events - and pretty good seats too.
And I seem to have very good Karma with strangers. Just the other week a gas station attendant bought me a lottery ticket, because he felt I looked lucky, and I didn't want to buy one.

I have good Karma for finding people to spend time with - I am never alone for too long when I don't want to be.

Here's the other inconsistency, Karma's suppose to be about what you put out there. Well, I'm pretty sure that I'm a consistent predictable person, so shouldn't my Karma be consistent across all genres?

I guess Karma is definitely not an exact science - if a science at all :)