Living Fabulously!

Love actually is... all around

2011-10-28T15:53:00.002-04:00

I think I have finally figured out why I love birthdays so much.

A birthday is permission to celebrate someone, permission to be "cheesy" and sentimental, and tell someone "you're fabulous, and I love you".

For the second year in a row, I am absolutely flabbergasted by the wonderful sentiments people have expressed to me on my birthday.

People's kind words, generous hugs and big smiles have completely overwhelmed me, in a GREAT way!

I have documented every year about how the period of time leading up to my birthday is always a time of melancholy for me - where I evaluate what I have accomplished to date, and what I had expected myself to accomplish - and I always fall short. It makes me sad to get another year older because I feel so far behind.

But what I have been awakened to this year is - to have the love of the people in my life, and to be able to express how much we value each other: that is the greatest gift in life.

It's been under my nose in the Bible my whole life, but my full appreciation for it hit today:

"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. "

1 Corinthians 13:1-5

Thanks for loving me.

What is the truth? Does it matter?

2011-09-29T14:21:00.006-04:00

As you may or may not know, I am recent graduate of the Landmark Forum and Landmark Advanced Course. Each course is a super intensive 13 hours a day 3 1/2 day marathon and sprint all at once.

Upon registering you are asked to identify at least one area or one thing that is not working in your life, so that you can have a focus to work on during the course.

Since completing both courses, I have come to some pretty fundamental realizations, that really shift my experience of life - in a positive way.

I walked in thinking there was some sort of fundamental block I was experiencing in my life which needed a little "psychological woo woo" (for lack of a better term) to open-up. That somehow there was something wrong with me and that's why these areas of my life weren't working. I mean come-on, honestly, you don't get to be 33 and single like the desert and walk away without thinking there must be something wrong with you.

So the truth is , there is no such thing as "psychological woo woo" - and there's nothing wrong with me. I'm human, and sometimes as humans we lock ourselves into ways of thinking and behaving that are not productive. We all do it, and to the extent that our rational is often not conscious, it's inescapable.

That being said, I was really challenged on many of the ways of being and thinking that I had embraced as true and right.
I walked out of the Forum at the end of June feeling super empowered, and sure that my life would be completely different moving forward. When the same issues, beliefs and struggles came-up - I never questioned the training, I started thinking that my experiences must be the TRUTH. and because they were true, it didn't matter how I framed them or thought about them. It was reasonable and logical to me that my situation kept reoccurring because it was reality. Which in turn validated me and my experiences.

I am attending a seminar series currently running on Tuesday nights, which is intended to help me take what I learned/experienced at the Forum, and put it into action in my life.

I had a really powerful realization this Tuesday.
I needed my situation to persist, because that made it truth. And if it was the truth, then I was not only validated, but justified in my complaints, etc... That was my payoff.

Here's the rub. My Advanced Course facilitator said this, but it had it's greatest impact on me as a statement as I replayed it in my memory on Tuesday evening.
"We don't really know the truth in our memory: at best we have an interpretation of the truth".
So there is no truth - sort of. And it really doesn't matter what the truth is...(I'm not talking about absolute or moral truth - breath out!) At the end of the day the best question to ask is - "is it working for me? Is this moving forward towards my goal(s)?" That matters more than
"Is this true?"

Maybe "matters more" is the wrong phasing, I think I mean "is more helpful".

So that's my revelation. I'm going to keep being me, and coming across/against the same issues and struggles from time to time. However, instead of asking is this true or saying this must be true, I'm going to ask "is this working for me?", "is this helping me to move forward towards my goal?".

I think eventually I'll stop coming across the same struggles, I'll start coming across new ones - and I think I'll be the better for it.

You know you've been working too long when.....

2011-08-23T14:14:00.002-04:00

I've started creating "SMART" goals for my life in general, and think in terms of quarters.

Here's what I'd like to accomplish this quarter...
We should get together at least once a quarter.....
My birthday is in Q4, that's next quarter...

Sad state of affairs!

Sunshine and Contemplation in the Miraverse

2011-04-19T20:09:00.004-04:00

I have just returned from a vacation.

I spent a week in Punta Cana, Domincan Republic. It was a beautiful locale. Sunny, very sunny (so much so that I got the worst sunburn of my life!)

I did a lot of reading. Not as much as I had planned (I brought 8 paperback, and 3 audiobooks). I was conscientious and methodical (big surprise) and alternated between fiction and non-fiction. I got through 4 and a half books.
The cool thing about travelling with my cousin David is the post-mortem I got to complete on some of my thoughts on several of the books with him.

Here's what's bugging me about the trip. I set-out with a plan to rest, re-evaluate and experience some sort of this is my plan moving forward epiphany.
And I did - mostly.
But I've been home less than 24 hours, and already I am back to old routines and poor choices.
I have spent 90% of today in-bed and asleep. Literally. I didn't get out of bed until 5:00pm.
I have just finished checking my email, am in the process of uploading photos to facebook. I haven't unpacked, done laundry, eaten anything or prepared for tomorrow's return to civilization.

While away, I met a lot of fun people, and was amazingly anti-social at times, just wanting to be all alone (which is shockingly unlike me). One of the ladies I met said something very simply profound - "you only get one body, you have to treat it with love". She was right, it was so simple. So I resolved to take care of myself. Take my vitamins, eat regularly, etc....

Can't even keep it up for 24 hours.
This does not bode well....

The question is does it speak to the weakness of my core beliefs? the softness of my resolution? the insincerity of my being?
Or am I just still that tired?

My vote is the last, and it makes me sad that even a week of total rest hasn't restored me.
So I am going to keep searching for rest and balance...the ever elusive balance....

Can anybody find me, somebody to love.....

2011-03-29T19:58:00.003-04:00

I have a confession. I have a random crush. A guy I met a few times as a work connection. He's smart, nice, quotes random facts, and looks like a librarian. check, check, check - everything I go for. And if I am totally honest, it's kinda fun to giggle about liking someone, like Junior High revisited. Today, the little fantasy happiness I had constructed in my head, was assaulted, and destroyed. It's a good thing. Sustained delusion are not good for the psyche....... But it's also kinda sad. Rejection no matter how imagined manages to still smart. (yes, I am totally aware that you can't actually be rejected by someone who has no idea that you giggle and blush when you think about him in your head) I read in a book somewhere that "rejection always leads to something better". Might be true - it's yet to be confirmed. But the author failed to mentioned that the path to better isn't necessarily always free of rocks or debris. I never realized my self-identity was so sensitive to rejection. Not really sure if it's just me, or if everybody else needs the same mental safety padding. Reminds me of the Golden Chisel of Opportunity conversation that was had 4 years back (wow! years! already!) and the cycle continues.....

Toot Toot!

2011-02-01T11:35:00.003-05:00

You probably all know that I have been taking a contemporary dance class since September @ Seneca college with my friend Mel.
And I love it!

So my class is on Monday nights, my instructor's name is Jennifer (she rocks!) and we have about 7 people in the class.

I really do love it!

And in last night's class while working on the floor work portion of a routine..... I tooted.
Yes, you read right, I tooted - out loud.

I was MORTIFIED!

I kinda said "oops, excuse me" and without missing a beat my instructor said "Perfectly Normal" and kept on with the class.

Well the next time we had to do the floor work, I was kinds dragging my heels, and when my instructor looked at me inquiringly I said "I'm kinda worried to lie down again, I'm just so embarrassed" and she said "don't worry about it, I'll fart too if you like" and proceeded to twist her face in a simulation of straining and turned red.

We all laughed.

She broke the tension and awkwardness, and we motored along with our routine.

So if asked, that is for sure the highlight and the most embarrassing moment of my week so far....
Hopefully I don't find myself a more embarrassing situation before the week is up.

Be the Change

2010-11-18T23:32:00.003-05:00

"Be the change you want to see in the world" is one of many power sound-bites provided to us by Gandhi. And it's power is really found in it's simplicity.

I have been at the CSTD annual conference for the bulk of this week. It's the major conference in the field of training in Canada. This is my second year in attendance, and I am so overwhelmed and excited by what I have had the opportunity to learn.

One of the underlying themes this year that I feel keeps cropping up (intentionally or otherwise) is about the power of informal learning. Informal learning is defined as learning that was not formally structured. A common example would be when I need to use a new functionality on my computer, and I may ask someone near me, or google my answer, and learn how to use this new functionality.

One of the things that keeps coming up to hit me in the head with what feels like the subtlety of an anvil is the notion of "stop trying to convince others of the value of your belief, just take action."

This is kind of a scary principle: don't worry about getting the buy in up front, use the momentum of your conviction to drive your behaviour. The idea being that you are modeling the behaviours you want to elicit in others, and thusly drawing them out.

The scaredy-cat inside me can't let go of the fear. The fear of non-conformity; the fear that my conviction was in fact not supported by reality, and I will fail; the fear of always being alone on my side of reality.

There's another little part of me that keeps pushing the line in the other direction. How much potential am I ignoring? Where is the value in turning a blind eye to the possibilities?

I've also heard the adage "The greatest rewards come from the the greatest risks".

At this stage in the process, I have no idea which way I am going to go. Actually to be more accurate, I have no ability to predict with any level of certainty which way I am going to sustain.

Until then, I'll be busy weeding through the newly acquired knowledge, old habits, road blocks and possibilities in my head.

All you need is Love.....

2010-10-28T16:16:00.006-04:00

Today is my birthday.

Normally that brings about very mixed emotions from me. I love and hate it at the same time. I am usually very concerned about having some type of celebration, and I usually also make a pretty huge stink about counting down for weeks leading up to it. Mostly this is because I have a real thing about being forgotten. I have had several experiences in my history when I have been forgotten by people - physically forgotten, stranded. And it has created in me a genuine subconscious, ever-present fear of being forgotten.

So I spends weeks, sometimes even more then a month counting down to my birthday, planning a party or parties, etc... to ensure that I am not forgotten, and am celebrated. (sounds kinda narcissistic when I put it down on paper like this)

I also tend to get pretty depressed around my birthday. I have blogged about this before. I start to examine and evaluate my life, and always come up short on my own expectations.

This year has been different. I am not sure what elicited the change. I considered having a birthday party, but everyone's schedules (my own included) are so packed this time of year, it felt like I might be able to get something going in April! And I didn't really do the countdown. I haven't been secretive or hiding the date or anything, just wasn't a walking billboard for weeks.

And while I have stumbled into thought pockets of "what do I have to show for myself" they have been fewer then usual, and I have had some good metaphorical face slapping from good friends to snap me out if it quickly.

And most amazingly of all, without any prompting from me, people have been celebrating with me, and sending me their good wishes. And it feels so much more powerful this year, because it wasn't elicited.

I feel genuinely loved (or positively esteemed), by an entire slew of people. It is awesome!

And it's all in the little things. The colleagues who treated me to lunch today; the serenade of Happy Birthday I got when I came into the office; the cake Danielle made me (in my favourite colour) & having SWAT sing for me; the well wishes on my wall on Facebook; the text messages and phone calls; being called "birthday girl" all day (even when the whole sentence was "the birthday girl needs to get her ass in gear"); Steve's admonition of (and well wishes on) being one year closer to death.

It is all wonderful! and I think my face might actually be sore tomorrow form just how much smiling I am doing today, and how happy I feel.

I feel like the grinch when his heart grew.

THANK YOU!!

The Miraverse Time Paradox

2010-10-10T19:20:00.003-04:00

First you'll need some context.
The Miraverse has been derived from the phrase 'the Mira Universe".

In the encapsulation of the Miraverse time and space, is the reality and the fantasy me that exist simultaneously.
For example the Fantasy me, gets up @ 6am, goes for a jog in a cute outfit everyday, makes her own bread and jam, makes her own clothes (haute couture of course), knits prolifically, hand makes most gifts for others. Embroiders pillowcases, speaks 6 languages, etc...
You get the picture.

The reality me spends a lot of time feeling tired, watching TV, working, working some more, and sneaking as much time out with friends as possible.
Not horrible, but a far cry from the fantasy me.

Ok so here's where the time paradox kicks in. I have been working pretty hard lately. Not that I don't always work hard, but it has included a lot of extra hours. I feel totally disconnected from much else. I am so busy these days, that I am getting frustrated with my schedule.

I have been mentally looking forward to this long week-end for ages! It's been a literal countdown for maybe 2 weeks.

So Friday night was the David Crowder Concert @ Queensway. Rush to finish work a smidgen early, rush to get to the church - complete frustration on an almost completely stopped highway with 4 students who are hot, restless and hungry in the car for well over an hour and fifteen minutes, rush to get something to eat (so hungry, I actually feel sick at this point), miss the entire opening act which was Hillsong Youth.

Saturday, another very, very full day - gym workout, laps in the pool, fixing the steering wheel controls on the car (oh, as an aside, Kevin & Bruce totally figured it out, and it was a faulty harness - so I promised them some kind of manly magic wands, because they were like fairy godmothers - any suggestions on manly magic wands?), visit with friends in the evening.

Today started out with me having to get to church early for welcoming team, then I picked up a pizza for lunch, took a nap, and then ran to Costco to pick a pie for tomorrow's festivities.

Now I am totally bored. I could be knitting, baking, making bread, something - but I am lump on the sofa bored.

So I spend the bulk of my time wishing, hoping, praying for some free time, some slack from the busyness - and then as soon as I get it, I don't know what to do with myself, and I dislike it.

The Miraverse Time Paradox.

Nature's Wonder

2010-09-22T22:42:00.002-04:00

It's been quite a week for natural wonders - and somehow I just keep missing it all.

on Monday night, Jupiter was especially close to the earth - and won't be that close again until 2022.
So as is my usual when I hear about celestial phenomena, I wanted to check it out. And as usual again, my execution plan was less than perfect.

I got home around 10pm, and decided first to try and see if I could see anything from my balcony. Well, the answer to that is of course not! So then I walked over to the park by my place - still nothing. I could barely see the dipper, which is often quite visible form the night sky in my neck of the woods.

Sadly, I should have know that there is no way the light would have allowed me to see what I was looking for. The smarter plan would have been to drive a little ways out of the city, away from the lights - into a nice open field, and look up and enjoy.
But seriously, in what universe is that a realistic plan for a single woman in the middle of the night.

Last night I was driving home it was around 9:30pm. I was driving north on Yonge. It was very humid - I know because my curly hair acts as a very reliable barometer, it was about twice its normal volume. It was dry, not raining at all. And the sky in front of me kept lighting up. It wasn't the same as when you see a lightning bolt in the distance, it was as if someone was flicking lights on an off in the sky up ahead.
It was magnificent!
I have never seen anything like it.

Then, either it didn't storm by my house, or I was so completely passed out in sleep, that I had no experience of it. Today at work, most everyone was speaking of being woken by the storm, and watching it in fascination - I was completely oblivious.

These anecdotes make me wonder just how closely I come to so many other wonders in life, and yet they slip me by, either because I am oblivious to them, or as a result of poor planning, and minimal effort.

Git 'Er Done

2010-08-30T12:24:00.002-04:00

August 30th.
Yes that's right, it's August 30th.
Two more sleeps and it's September 1st.

I always find it amazing that despite the fact that I graduated University a full 10 years ago, September remains an important milestone within the year.

There are several such milestones, most of which are somewhat individual for most of us. For me, there are the following ones:

#1 - my Birthday. This is a very important date for me (if you know me at all, you know this is almost an understatement). But it's also often a "take stock of your life, and what you have accomplished" time for me, which I often feel I fall short in, and leads to me being a little sad around this time. Ironically never because I am aging, but just because I feel inappropriately accomplished for my age.

#2 - Christmas. This is the holiday in which the fantasy me always imagines a Normal Rockwell-esque visa vie Martha Stewart gathering of a large group of people who are near and dear to my heart enjoying great food and drink. Accompanied by the allure of a gaggle of gifts beautifully wrapped under a lavishly decorated tree. The reality of which doesn't come close to comparing - or bear mention. But nevertheless, I do love the joviality of Christmas, I enjoy buying gifts for others, receiving gifts from others, and the meal my family of 4 shares every year. Not to mention the religious significance of the time of year.

#3 - September. Maybe it's because I'm a bit of a stationary junkie, and I love back to school shopping for this reason. Maybe it's the new crispness in the air, after weeks of sometimes stifling heat (if we're lucky). There is something about this time of year that makes me feel the need to plan, to keep an agenda, to set forth some new year's resolutions.

And so in that spirit, there are two key things (maybe 3) that I would love to accomplish maybe before my birthday, and most definitely before the new year. So I am marking them here, for some witnesses. Hold me to this, I know it's doable!

First - I would like to replace the stereo in my car. I would like one with an aux port, so I can plug my iPod straight in. I would like to not send it to a shop to have it done, but learn to do it myself (with some very needed, and very capable help of a few car guys). I am easily motivated for this one as my stereo just started skipping while playing CDs on my trip to Maine with my Dad a few weeks ago.

Second - I want to get my motorcycle licence. I have been wanting this for a reasonable amount of time now. To tell the truth, I have only been on a motorcycle once, it was in 1997, and it was AWESOME! I am not sure what the kernel of fear is that has kept me from taking action, but I think enough is enough - I have wanted this long enough, the desire is not going away, I need to just do it. I have no idea how to start, so tips and advice are welcome :) but I need to start looking into this.

Third - It would be great if I could buy a small chandelier for my dining area. This shouldn't be to hard, I just need to buy one I like (I already have an idea around that), and then get some help to install it.

Those are my cards out on the table. Hopefully making them public will help to hold me to them.

Getting Caught in the Rain

2010-08-10T16:11:00.002-04:00

I was in Montreal for most of last week on business. Montreal is reputed to be an amazing city, with shopping, dining and sights that are from another time and place. Sadly while I know this to be true, this was not my experience last week.

My office, and hence my hotel is in a suburb called ST.Laurent. It's close to the airport, and not much else.
So I was only there for 2 nights...and there were a few restaurants and such within walking distance of my hotel.

The first night, it was raining when I went to walk out, and so I wisely borrowed a hotel umbrella from the concierge. But the second night it was sunny, without a cloud in the sky when I left the hotel and I did not consider the possibility of rain later on.

So I was bored, and had done a lot of perusing of the sparse offerings the night before - I needed something that I could do that would use up a good chunk of my evening. Enter - the movie theater I walked by. I figured I could get something to eat in there, and watching a movie would take me to around 9pm, at which time I could go back to my hotel, get ready for bed, and manage to have passed the evening away.

If you know me at all, you know that I am a SUPER SOCIAL person, and going to the movies alone is pretty low on my list of fun things to do. But I figured I needed to just suck it up, and go for it.
So I buy my ticket, and dinner (can you believe I got chicken fingers and fries from the concession stand?!?) and head into the theater.

I am the only person in the theater. Ok, it is a Thursday night, and the movie doesn't star for another 20 minutes, but seriously - the ONLY ONE! This is getting creepy.

About 5 minutes before the movie starts a couple walks in, I can't tell you the relief I feel. They come in, and sit directly behind me. I make a funny comment about how glad I am they came in, and didn't leave me alone. We strike up a conversation, and chit-chat until the lights dim and the movie begins.

Approximately halfway through the movie, I start hearing some noises from behind me. Now, naive as I am, it took me a minute to realize that my new friends, were being exceptionally friendly with each other. Ok, no problem, just ignore them, and make sure to not even hint at turning around.
Once the movie was over they went darting out before the house lights came on, but the guy did pause for a second to wish me an enjoyable rest of my trip in Montreal.

I step out of the theater, and it's thunder storming. I take a deep breath, pull my incredibly flimsy shrug closer in around my neck, clamp my hand on my purse, and step out into the action. It's cold, and the rain drops are heavy, they actually hurt as they land on me. I get about halfway to the hotel when this car stops, the passenger window rolls down, and the lone male driver offers me a lift. Now I'm from Toronto, and I have an ethnic mother (who's a catastrophizer) I have already identified the 17 ways this man could capture, molest, torture and kill me before he finished rolling the window down. So I kind of frown at him, and he figures I don;t understand his French, so he repeats his offer in English. I frown even more deeply (if that's possible) and say "Non, ça va" I didn't even say thank you. He shrugs, rolls up his window and drives on.
Now it occurs to me that not every stranger who stops to help has to have evil intentions. I would never actually get into a car with a single strange man - but I could have been a little nicer in my declining his offer.

I get back to the hotel, soaked through, and my adventures seem to be over for the evening.

The next morning, I am leaving my hotel room, the door shuts behind me, and I hear some unusual noises from the room directly across mine. Now it's 7:45am, and all's quiet on the eastern front - except for the strange noises. Again, I'm a little slow when it comes to these things, and it is pretty early in the morning - it took me a minute to register what I was hearing.

What is up with Montreal?! That's twice in less than twenty-four hours. Although hopefully the folks in the movie theater were not quite as engaged as the folks in the hotel room. At this point it's conjecture - but I'd like to believe that it's true.

That's what happens when I get caught in the rain.

SERVE 2010

2010-07-26T08:11:00.004-04:00

I think it was as early as last summer when Brent, the youth pastor @ my church started talking about taking the youth on a missions trip this summer.
In his usual Brent fashion, he slipped the idea of me attending in a sly drive-by statement "you should think about coming". That's all he said.

And I started mulling it over, pretty much right away.
You need to know that I have never in my life been on a Missions trip. I have never been any kind of athletic person, I never even learned how to ride a bike. My parents are academics, and I grew up learning to value my head, not my body so much.

Also, we have 4 male leaders for our kids, and only Angela and I for female leaders. So I kinda felt like it was important to go if I was able.

So, I did it, I requested the vacation, was approved, and bit the bullet and let Brent know that I was on-board. That's pretty much when the anxiety began. I was worried about everything.
I am not the best of long-distance drivers, cars and sunshine in combination make me sleepy, regardless of whether I am the driver or not. but I knew that I needed to do my share of the driving, what if it was too much for me?
We were taking a group of minors to a different country, that's a lot of responsibility. What if one of them got hurt, or homesick, or denied access at the border?
We were going to work. I don't know anything about fixing up a house, using tools (well, I know my different screwdriver heads, and how to use a hammer), anything "handyman"-ish. And I am suppose to lead a group of youths through work projects?!? What was I to do when they asked me a question, and I had no idea of the answer? When they looked to me for direction, and I had no idea what path to take?
What if I didn't have the stamina to work all day? What if i was a poor example?

That last one, was the most heavy on my heart. What if I was a poor example? That was part of my job as a leader right? To present a good example, to lead by working alongside. But what if I couldn't do it?

As if my fears were not active enough, we learned in February that as leaders we would be assigned a group of youths, not necessarily from our own group. So now I was doing this all with strangers! Our host team mentioned that there was a surplus of leaders this year, and so some groups would have 2 leaders instead of one. the letter implied that most leaders would not want this - I was the total opposite. I prayed fervently to be assigned another leader. Another person to share the burden and responsibility and hopefully be a SME (subject matter expert) on the work stuffs.

I didn't really tel anybody about all my worries, at first. As we got closer and closer to the date of departure, I couldn't help but release some of my thoughts. Nobody seemed to think it was a big deal. "don't worry, we'll figure it out", "you'll be fine". It was not as reassuring as I had hoped.

The same week, I was headed to Muskegon for Serve, I had a friend headed to Manitoulin Island in Manitoba for a missions trip as well. I remember sharing with her, and her words of reassurance, were the soothing balm I was seeking. She said, "it's not about all that stuff Miriam. Your job is only to surrender yourself to God. Don't worry about being a good leader or a good example. Just pray, constantly - and surrender yourself. Let God do the rest, he's got it covered." She had given me something I could do.

So bright and early on Saturday July 10th (way before my insides wake-up) I headed to the church in what felt like a beast of a van compared to my Mazda3, and our adventure began.
Brent had worked out a driving schedule (I am sure entirely to appease my concerns about my skills at long distance driving) - we packed the vans, and we were off. 9 youths, 5 leaders - armed with passports and border crossing letters for the minors, we ventured forth into an unexpected week of intense labour (ok this part was expected), banquet style food in US portion sizes, a jam-packed scheduled that ran 7am-11pm daily, being surrounded by others' gratitude, and fun.

We were told that Michigan is the second leading state in terms of poverty, and that Muskegon (the city we were in) was one of the poorest in the state.

It was intense, physically - completely exhausting. Every morning as the week progressed, it became harder and harder to get up. Not that waking-up is an easy thing for me to begin with.
We painted a laundromat for the homeless and low-income people of the community. We helped to prep and paint a little of a house that had been condemned by the government, we replaced old boards with new one on a bike trail, and put up snow fencing around sand dunes to protect against erosion. That was just what my team (5 awesome youths, whom I had never met before, from the US and Canada) worked on. There were a lot of other projects going as well (building wheelchair ramps for a couple of homes, building a shed for Habitat for Humanity, serving food from a Gleaner's truck, etc...)

God had granted me the second leader I had so fervently prayed for - with a twist. She was not set to arrive and join us until our last work-day. This was a gift from God absolutely. I had hurt my back quick seriously 2 weeks before leaving for Muskegon. I was left completely immobile for almost a week. It hurt so badly, I demanded x-rays from my family doctor because I thought I had fractured my pelvis. And remember that I was a labourer to begin with, so this added challenge of worrying about my back, and not being able to lift was a legitimate complication.

Our final day of work, was the snow fencing for the sand dunes. We had to carry heaving fencing and posts, plus a couple of post pounders up a steep series of stairs to begin the work. I think if I had been alone I may have actually cried in frustration at my inability to do the task. I couldn't even co-carry the fencing with someone else - I could only push it: which got it from the truck to the base of the stairs.
My co-leader was very familiar with hard work, she did such a great job of organizing the work, the youth , and even was able to carry an entire bale of fencing herself up the stairs. She literally saved the day.

There are so many things that happened this week in Muskegon. Many stories for many other days. Some will have your rolling with laughter, others will have you slowly breathing out to try and suppress tears. Overall, I hope it was life changing. Well actually it was, the question is will I rise to the occasion, and avoid falling into the life I had before.

And it has again reinforced my experience that in trying to be selfless and do something solely for the benefit and betterment of others, I can not avoid being moved and bettered myself.

Demotivation

2010-04-03T19:04:00.002-04:00

Ouf! I have been hit.
It's worse than the smart of a paintball at close range.
Motivation down!
Doesn't look like much can save it.....

Here's my situation:

I ordered some furniture from Costco online assuming it would be delivered fully assembled. It was not. So I got excited when I received them, and spend 5 hours assembling the first one. That's right, you just read 5 hours!
The instructions were so poor, that I ended up doing it wrong several times throughout the process. And my need to screw-in, and unscrew over and over and over again, managed to strip the wood, strip the screws. It's not pretty.
So I managed to get the one done, but have been pretty intimidated to do the other one. Plus stuff like that always goes better with 2 minds and 4 hands.

Then I asked a friend to help me put the other one together, and he said sure, but has been super busy and unavailable since I asked. Thankfully I was telling Matt and Leah about my frustrations, and Matt has offered to help me.

So that's one problem sorta fixed.

If only that were it.

So I also need lamps for my room to put on my new (hopefully soon to be assembled) night tables, because I have been reading by book lamp, and it's just not good for my eyes.

So I FINALLY make it out to IKEA today (I have been planning to go for 3 weeks). I bought the lamps I wanted, nice tall, thin ones so they don't take up too much space or overpower the room. I also bought 2 kinds of light bulbs (different wattage) to complete the package. So I get home, and happily tear into one of the lamps (for the one nightstand I actually have assembled and in place) - and would you believe that the light bulbs don't fit! They are somehow too big at the base.
I am so frustrated I am about a blink away from giving up on building/improving/ever leaving the house again.

ARGH!! I hate getting so close, but not being able to complete something properly.
And I hate asking for help, because I feel like it makes me look incompetent. So now I have had to ask for help twice for the build, and I will have to ask someone at least once about the light bulb issue.

And I remain nightstand-less and light-less.

Is it almost April already?! How did that happen?

2010-03-26T10:11:00.004-04:00

Do you ever get the impression that you are sometimes sleepwalking through your life?
Like you blinked and it's been almost 5 months since your last blog post?

Your everyday routines are so routine at this point that you can move through them on auto-pilot and not even mark the passage of time.

I guess that's been my life. I have this nagging feeling that I am glossing over some blips in the routine continuum, but they haven't bubbled up to the surface of my consciousness yet - so they remain unaccounted for.

The scary part is the thought that the rest of this year will continue this way, and before I know it, it'll be 2011, and then 2020, and then....well, you see the picture is somewhat grim.

Not grim in so much as I have a bad life, I have a great life! Grim in the realization that I keep forgetting to pause, smell the roses, celebrate. And because I don't pause, I don't remember. Life becomes one big blur of the everyday.

I have been away on business this week. It rained all day in Ottawa on Tuesday, and of course I had not packed an umbrella. Well my cabbie gave me his umbrella. And it wasn't a cheapie one either, it was a firefly brand, auto-release umbrella. That was such a kind hearted gesture. And if I hadn't just remembered it, it would have been lost in the semi-coma of my everyday living.

I successfully straightened my own hair with a flat-iron, and minus the minor burn I gave myself in the back of my head, I did a pretty good job.

I know they seem the piddliest of details. But if we don't stop to notice them, than what is life composed of? Periods of sleep in between semi-conscious automaton living?

I'll take the red pill - thanks Morpheus.

Popping the bubble

2009-11-24T16:12:00.002-05:00

I have often been told that I am quite sheltered and live in a bit of a "bubble".
In all honesty I like my bubble - it's cozy and safe.

Well here's the thing I have noticed about people's perspectives. Because they have experienced some different aspects of life than I have, they feel everyone should experience these aspects.
but these experiences have not always or even often been positive for my peers - however they just don't like my being on the other side of the proverbial fence so to speak.

And I am kinda ok with having been sheltered from certain experiences and associated pains.

What I find unusual is if my bubble isn't hurting anyone, and it costs you nothing to support me in it, so why are some people so adamant about challenging me in it? It is my choice, and it's a choice I make rationally, without any impairment or infirmament to cloud my judgement.

So next time you see my bubble, maybe just give it a polish instead of trying to shatter it with a kick.

Dream analysts unite!

2009-10-02T10:16:00.005-04:00

I had the absolute weirdest dream last night (technically this morning).
So strange in fact (well strange and unprecedented for me) that I sat in bed thinking about it for a good half an hour after I woke up.

Ok so Here's how the dream played out:
It's midday, and I have a meeting for some committee for Church (maybe I dreamed this part because I just got an email from Pastor Steve about facilities use?).
So we're meeting in a chapter's like cafe.
I go rushing in because I am late (as usual), and see Brent and Nathaniel sitting at a table. I am about to approach them, when I suddenly realize that I am almost completely naked. I am saved from total ruin by a pair of white cotton undies. (I have NEVER dreamed of myself as naked before)

Of course I freak out. But I don't want anybody else to know that I am freaking out or draw attention to myself in any way. So I hide behind a conveniently placed stack of books and pop my head out and start casually chatting with the boys. Then Kevin comes along, and walks in from right behind me. Thankfully not noticing my state of undress, or that anything is out of the ordinary. (phew!)
Next come Amy and Boomer together. And Amy of course notices, and of course exclaims rather loudly about my condition, drawing attention to us. I am mortified! Now everyone in our party and the entire store has been made aware of my situation.

So Amy and Boomer walk around the store to find me some clothes to put on. And of course in my magical dream world, the bookstore/cafe suddenly has racks of clothes in it (that I didn't notice before). So they grab me a white long sleeved T. There are some cirque du soleil moments as I try to put the shirt on without revealing any skin, hiding behind the stack of books.

once the shirt is on, I feel a little less constricted in my ability to move around. I wander through the stacks of clothes and find a red sheath dress, which I put on on-top of the long sleeved T. So I go from too little dress, to a little too much. And I look ridiculous with white sleeves sticking out of a red dress.

but I hold my head up high - thanks to the total and complete mortification of my experience, and walk what I hope looks calmly to the table where the guys are seated, and try to act like nothing happened.

Then I woke-up.

my 100th Post

2009-09-30T17:16:00.003-04:00

Wow! I have written and posted 100 times.

That is an accomplishment.

I don't post as often as I planned to.

And I'm not often as funny/ironical as I had hoped to be.

But it is cool to have this record.
So I thought it might be neat to reminisce about favourite posts - you know like how TV shows do flashback episodes of favourite or best moments.

This means I need your help - let me know which of my posts is one of your favourites.
For me I love the one where I explain how my mother is a catastrophizer - "The Sky is Falling"
That is my favourite post.

The Power of the Human Mind

2009-09-22T10:45:00.005-04:00

I've heard rumors.
I've even heard testimonials.
But I have never before experienced it, and as such never before believed it for myself.

You can make something your reality, simply by willing it to be so.

For Example:

#1 - If you've ever heard me tell a story about the way that I run, you'll know that I am hands down the world's slowest runner - no hyperbole.

I run so slowly, that you could probably be walking backwards beside me and still have to slow your pace.

I also tire of running very quickly, despite years of practice. I have only managed to run 5K 4 times ever, even though I joined the 5K clinic @ the Running Room 4 times.

I used to run with some coworkers, and one used to always tell me I needed to just put my mind to it and it would happen. I never bought it. When I would say I was tired and would be about to stop, she would say "ok, just run to the fire hydrant" or some other landmark. When I would reach it, and again, be about to stop, she would say "no, I meant the next one".
And it mostly worked. But I always hit that point that no matter what she said, I just could not go on. And I never managed to run nearly as long or as far on my own.

#2 - I have very recently discovered that I can make up my mind not to feel something, and I just stop feeling it. I haven't figured out yet how to make up my mind to feel something that I don't.
But this was revolutionary for me. I just decided one day, that I was going to stop feeling A, and it held. I no longer feel A, and it's been about a month. Yay me! This is especially exciting to me because I find that emotions cloud objectivity. And so when I can remove my emotions, I can make a much better, much more rational decision.

Now if I could figure out how to feel where there is an absence of feeling that might come in handy as well: then I could add an emotional exclamation mark to my rational decisions.
There is much to be said for the fervor and commitment that is born of passion.

I guess it can't hurt to keep trying - so if you walk past me sometime and I look like Hiro Nakamura - I'm not trying to stop time, but rather add emotion.

Obsession

2009-08-04T21:19:00.002-04:00

I am obsessed.
I can't escape it.
Every thing I say, do and see, I mould my perception of, to fit my obsession.

It's surprisingly common - and documented by attribution theory, sort of.

ok so Attribution theory tells us amongst other things, that we will always interpret our environments to match our beliefs and perceptions in order to avoid cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance is psychologically discordant, and thus uncomfortable - so our psyche works pretty diligently to avoid it - sometimes by changing our beliefs, other times by discarding sensory information, and most commonly by trying to make our sensory information fit into our beliefs.

So let's take an example where you are interested in someone else. And you really really want them to be interested in you. You will interpret every word, every gesture, every action from this other person as a sign of their interest. We all do it, we even ask our friends to interpret in our favour..."then he said XYZ, but he said it this way...what do you think that means? Do you think it means he likes me too?" And as friends we support this fallacy "what else could it mean? He said it this way.....he would only have said it this way if he was actually interested..."

And we feed the obsession. We become obsessed with analyzing every last detail of every minute everything...and really at the core, it's a useless endeavour.

I am obsessed with several things - a couple of reality TV shows, a couple of not so reality TV shows, completing my daily TO DO list at work, and more.....

And everyday when I wake up, everything I say, do and see always serve to solidify my obsession.

I would feel trapped, except I am aware - and in the infamous words of the G.I. Joe " knowing is half the battle!"

Hidden Talent

2009-06-28T00:09:00.004-04:00

If you're a girl you're very familiar with the ability to put a shirt on top of another shirt and then take the shirt underneath off. Without showing an inch of skin the entire time.

If you ask a girl how we learned to do so, we'll talk about gym class and modesty - truth is it's an expression of insecurity about the quality of our bodies underneath.
So we all learn to do it pretty early on, and we do it often, and perfect it while still pretty young.

Today I was at Canada's Wonderland, and I got a little chilly around 8:30pm, so I put my sweatshirt on. but then I found that because I had 2 T-Shirts on underneath, it was a little too hot. So I twisted and finagled, and managed to take my base layer T-Shirt off, under the other T-Shirt and Sweatshirt. And True to form, I do so without flashing an inch of skin.

Well I was impressed with my accomplishment - it's not easy taking a fitted T off under another slightly less fitted T. And so as we were leaving the concert area, I wondered about my ability to do accomplish a similar task with pants.

I was wearing my jean capris (they are loose, this has an effect). So I took my also very loose yoga pants out of my bag, and put them on on top of my jean capris. Well with twisting and hopping, and taking off of a shoe - I did it!

I was able to take off one pair of pants from underneath another pair of pants without flashing anybody.

Angela is my witness.

Admittedly I must have looked ridiculous, hopping around on one foot. And when I managed to get one leg off, and had to shove it back up over to the other leg to then come down and off - I had a few moments where I looked like I had an elephant crawling down my leg under my pants.

But a monumental accomplishment it remains, despite how foolish it may have looked.

I feel very accomplished and proud.

What a way to start the day

2009-06-18T12:43:00.003-04:00

So this morning I'm minding my own business and driving to work on a dreary, drizzly Thursday morning.

I look over to my left, and the guy in the passenger seat of a white cube van is looking over at me. (you know the kinda van, where they store dead bodies in the back in B movies).

So I kinda look away, but then peek back again, and smile at him.

So now he rolls down his window, and is kinda half sticking out - to look over at me.

Ok so this has pushed past my threshold of ok into mildly concerning/creepy - and I do my best not to look at him again.

Well about a block and half later he leans out, and blows me a kiss. I couldn't help but giggle.
Then the car had to change lanes, and I continued along my merry way to work.

But suddenly I was smiling despite the dreary drizzly day.

Thank you cute stranger - it was a nice way to start my day.

The Friend Zone

2009-06-01T19:48:00.004-04:00

Do you have any friends who just always seem to magically float from one relationship to another? You know the guy/gal who always seems to meet someone at the grocery store, or Tim Horton's, after about 2 weeks of being single. And somehow their 5 minute conversation with this incredibly cute member of the opposite sex, leads to a phone number exchange, and usually at least a few dates, if nothing else.

And then there are people like me (please God, don't let me be the only one!) We have no trouble talking to people of the opposite sex, and make friends quite easily. But somehow for that one person that we kinda like, we always seem to NOT turn into a potential love interest for them, but rather a best bud.

Somehow you go from imagining what your "new name" would sound like, to giving him advice about how to approach the person he's interested in. The advice giving smarts worse than road rash on your face with your salty sweat running down into it.

I know that I am very guarded about my interest in someone, and I wonder if most of the guys I've liked would even have a clue that I ever did. But still - how is it that this keeps happening to me?

I have developed a theory that every interaction with an available member of the opposite sex (assuming that is whom you are attracted to), begins with the potential for a more than just friends relationship. No matter how buried beneath the surface, and unbeknownst to your conscious mind - it's there. Now there seems to be a pivotal point where the potential shifts and you are firmly in the friend zone.

I don't know what tips the scales in the favour of the friend zone. I refuse to buy the line "you're just too good a catch" - that's a bunch of malarky. If you truly were that incredible a catch, shouldn't you be beating off suitors with a stick?! (but thanks for trying to stroke my battered Ego anyways)

And the timing is not fixed - it can take a moment, a day, a week or a month. I've personally never had it take more than a month, but that may be just me.

So many variables remain undisclosed. And the mystery of the friend zone remains.

Nothing I can do about it, until I figure it out I guess - until then, here's to my next "friend".

This is NOT a Pitt Stop

2009-04-17T16:38:00.005-04:00

Lately I have found myself in an oddly reflective frame of mind.

It's a good kind of reflection. Powerful, encouraging and motivating.

And true to form, God is coming at me from all directions to drive this new truth home.

So here's what's been going on:

#1 - I've started hanging out with an old friend again. It's been a while since we connected. She's a blast! I have been so invigorated by my interactions with her. She's the first person I have ever met who has actually thoroughly celebrated being single. Most people I know whether consciously or subconsciously treat being single as a pitt stop. A necessary but temporary state towards the goal.

And while I do want to get married and have a family of my own, I have caught her enthusiasm for "this is perfect for right now, and purposeful right now!"

So while I am a novice at living in the moment, and not worrying about tomorrow, because today has enough troubles of it's own (Matthew 6:34) - I am amazed at the effect my just starting out baby steps have had.

For example, my previous self, if I had met a guy that seemed nice, and cute, and interesting would probably would have started thinking about what we would be like in a relationship together, what our wedding would look like, and probably even what we would name our children.

The new and improved me, just thinks, cool, nice guy, cute and interesting. And that's it!

The old me would get uncomfortable when a stranger would smile at me - I'd think, who is this person, what do they want, and my future thinking brain would wander.

The new me, was walking to class last week, and a very very good looking guy smiled at me. So my live in the moment self smiled back.

It was nice.

It's not always easy, my brain is so used to being a future-thinking entity. Sometimes I have to push the future thinking back down. And sometimes it's ok to let the future thinker wander - it is an important part of somethings, just not EVERYTHING.

I am really enjoying the new and improved try-to-live-in-the-moment-most-of-the-time me.

The up-swing

2009-03-31T12:13:00.002-04:00

Amazing the things that can happen in a week. And the huge effects it can have on one's mood and outlook.

My Teta (read grandmother in Arabic) is home from hospital. She had a lumbar puncture, which drained some of the excess CSF in her brain. And has resulted in some very positive albeit slight improvements.

I finished my group presentation in the course I am taking, just one final paper to complete (I am procrastinating a little on completing it) and 3 classes left.

I have actual food in house more often than not now, not only beverages :)

It's not pitch black outside at 4:30pm anymore!! I actually didn't have to turn my headlights on in my car until 7:43pm yesterday!

And I am feeling great!
It's such a turn around.
I was tired and grumpy, and sick just a little while ago!

So I'm looking to celebrate!
Life is sweet.
God is good (well, God is always good, I just wasn't paying attention for a while).

I HATE feeling helpless

2009-03-19T14:46:00.004-04:00

I think my parents were extra-diligent to make me independent and self-sufficient. Maybe it was foreshadowing for the future they knew was inevitable.
Then when my parents' divorced I was totally parentified, and had to flex my "be in charge" skills.

And they did a good job, I am good at it.

I don't know how to ask for help, because even when I wanted/needed it, there was nobody around who could help.
So I learned how to figure things out on my own. How to take care of things.
That is my job. My role.

I think that's also why my mom relies on me so much in facilitating the care of my grandmother.

Here's where my steps start to falter. I feel so helpless, and I don't know how to deal with that. My mom is stressed, and over-reacting (as she is apt to do), and my whole family is looking at me to take charge.
And I'm trying, but what can I do?

Sometimes I think if only I had followed through with becoming a doctor I could be more helpful now. But then, I might have been just as helpless, it's not like I had planned to be a geriatric psychiatrist or neurologist.

My grandmother was admitted to hospital today, for hopefully what will prove to be a short stay. She had a CT scan done when we brought her to the emergency room 2 weeks ago, and it showed some hydrocephalus(sp?).
So now she needs some more tests, and possibly a spinal tap to help drain the excess CSF.

It's funny how I expected to spend the bulk of my life working in a hospital, and how I never minded them, and now I hate hospitals.

Her room stinks of urine.
She seems so small, and distraught by all the strangeness around her.
A different stranger (part of the nursing staff and medical team) keeps coming in to ask the same questions.

I can hear the others in other rooms, and their loved ones, trying to help, trying to bring some routine and normalcy into this abnormal existence.

And I feel totally helpless. I can't do anything when she complains of pain, because she can't tell me where it hurts. I can't tell the doctors what to do, because they're already doing what they can, and what they should. Well, that and they know more than me :)

I don't know how to help reassure my mom or my aunt, so I just snap at them to hold it together. Tell them this is not the time or the place to behave this way. Then I feel guilty. It's not fair, that's how they're handling what's going on, they have a right to their own coping strategies.

So I am left feeling helpless, and I hate it.

Karma

2009-03-12T11:39:00.002-04:00

Do you ever notice how people always only ever talk about Karma in a negative sense?
They seem to only notice when things are not going well.

I am no exception, I was over at a friend's last night, and I guess said something about having bad Karma several times - and well I was called on it.

Now the other weird thing about my perceptions of Karma is that it's not overarching, it seems to be localized to certain areas. However by definition, Karma is a general overarching principle - you get back what you put out.

So I technically have good Karma for some things - I seem to win a lot of tickets to sporting events - and pretty good seats too.
And I seem to have very good Karma with strangers. Just the other week a gas station attendant bought me a lottery ticket, because he felt I looked lucky, and I didn't want to buy one.

I have good Karma for finding people to spend time with - I am never alone for too long when I don't want to be.

Here's the other inconsistency, Karma's suppose to be about what you put out there. Well, I'm pretty sure that I'm a consistent predictable person, so shouldn't my Karma be consistent across all genres?

I guess Karma is definitely not an exact science - if a science at all :)

The Bucket List

2009-02-12T22:39:00.003-05:00

Place an X by all the things you've done and remove the X from the ones you have not, then send it to your friends.

Things you have done during your lifetime:
(x) Gone on a blind date - more than one
(x) Skipped school - not until I was 18 and able to provide my own notes for absences
() Watched someone die
(x) Been to Canada
() Been to Mexico
() Been to Florida
() Been to Hawaii
(x) Been on a plane - got to fly one once
() Been on a helicopter
(x) Been lost
(x) Gone to Washington, DC - grade 9 school trip
(x) Swam in the ocean - several actually :)
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
() Recently colored with crayons
(x) Sang Karaoke - on the night Laura met Andrew
(x) Paid for a meal with coins only
( ) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch - I don't even know where or what that is!
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't.
() Made prank phone calls
( ) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose & elsewhere
() Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) Danced in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
() Been kissed under the mistletoe
() Watched the sunrise with someone
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Gone ice-skating
(x) Gone to the movies
( ) Been deep sea fishing
( ) Driven across the United States
( ) Been in a hot air balloon
( ) Been sky diving
( ) Gone snowmobiling
(x) Lived in more than one country
(x) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets - Dryden Ontario during Challenge '97 - best Northern lights ever!
() Seen a falling star and made a wish
( ) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
() Seen the Statue of Liberty
( ) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
(x) Been on a cruise - Nile cruise
() Traveled by train
(x) Traveled by motorcycle - I have been a passenger once, AWESOME ride!
(x) Been horse back riding
( ) Ridden on a San Francisco CABLE CAR
() Been to Disneyworld
(X) Truly believe in the power of prayer
( ) Been in a rain forest
( ) Seen whales in the ocean
(x) Been to Niagara Falls
(X ) Ridden on an elephant - YUP, at the Ex, with Emma
( ) Swam with dolphins
() Been to the Olympics
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
( ) Saw and heard a glacier calf
( ) Been spinnaker flying
() Been water-skiing
() Been snow-skiing
( )Been to Westminster Abbey
() Been to the Louvre
(X) Swam in the Mediterranean
(x) Been to a Major League Baseball game
(x) Been to a National Football League game - as long as CFL counts
( ) Jumped in the ocean when it was 20 degrees - I don't know what 20 degrees translates to, but I think the cold that one Canada day (where Matt in his wetsuit was like" It's not that cold.") should count! Well except that was a lake, not an Ocean, but it was still very very cold!

Dick Clarke's Rocking New Year's Eve

2008-12-01T13:39:00.002-05:00

First off, thank you Margaret for the nudge to develop a new post.

Ok, so It's December.
The year is 31 days from being over.
31 days until 2009.
Wow!
That was fast!

And while Christmas is a family holiday, and most people have set traditions for this time of year, I find that New Year's Eve is a whole different story.

It's the most anti-climactic holiday of the year as far as I'm concerned. Now I think I'm fairly lucky in that I usually get a couple of invites to a couple of different house parties, where we kind of just mellow, and if I'm lucky we play Trivial Pursuit (my favourite game!). It's just the right way to pass into the new year: In the company of good friends.

But this scenario didn't really develop until I was old enough to have friends with their own houses.

And I think a lot of people like to dress up and go out somewhere exorbitantly expensive and a lot of emphasis is put on whom you are going to kiss at midnight.

Well I had a boyfriend for 3 New Year's Eve's and I never kissed anybody at midnight.

I also think it's weird that so much planning and excitement is put into this event, and then it;s like a 10 second count down, a kiss, a couple of noisemakers, and you're done. How much does that suck!

Ok, so I propose a new tradition. Here are the rules:
#1 - the party has to go to 2am at least, preferably all night, if you are able.
#2 - if you have somebody to kiss, you must kiss them at least 3 times, and between each kiss tell them how happy you are to love them, and get to start the next year with them.
#2 a - if you don't have anybody to kiss (like me), you have to do a "I'm happy to be me" dance for at least 30 seconds.
#3 - you need to eat your body weight in sugar or caffeine over the course of the evening (this will help in accomplishing #1)
#4 - Be genuinely happy to have survived 2008, and to have 2009 to look forward to.
#5 - absolutely under no circumstances are you to make any resolutions. (well except maybe find a husband this year - although that didn't work out so great for me last year).

I know it's early, but I just wanted to wish everyone a peaceful and joyful holiday season. And I hope you're not drowning in work like I am.

Energy Drains

2008-10-21T14:39:00.002-04:00

Wow!
I am so disgustingly tired.

It's like any energy my body meagerly attempts to produce is being trickled out.
So I am unable to find the source of the leak - to plug it, and can't seem to produce energy fast enough to augment the leak.

This does not bode well.

I have a big presentation tomorrow night in class - and I am so tired right now, that all I am imagining is me saying to the class - "ok here's the info, read up and good night!"

Just got to make it through tomorrow night, just got to make it through tomorrow night, just got to make it through tomorrow night.....
Not the most inspiring of mantras, but for right now, it's pushing me through.

Even an intense work-out yesterday didn't help. Today I'm tired and muscle sore - which only encourages my tiredness!

ok, so I figure it's just all my travels catching up to me - and I'm hoping that by this week-end, I will have found a way to "recover" my energy.
Because I really would like to just be bouncy again!

My own worst FunSucker!

2008-10-15T12:06:00.002-04:00

Egads! I am turning into my Mother!

I always complain about her being a catastrophizer and here I am doing exactly the same thing.

I am sick of being bummed out.
I am my own worst FunSucker - so I felt the need to inject a little more JoyBringer into this blog.

Everybody all together now - "I'm walking on sunshine, Woah-o!, walking on sunshine....."

So what if I'm going to be 31?
It's really only 1 day older than the day before - big whop!

And so what if I actually spent a whole week-end with my family, that doesn't negate that I have any friends, it just means I designated time to my family. And that's a good thing!

I have a home - now furnished - that's a place I wasn't at this time last year.
I have great friends! Seriously great friends, and LOTS of them - makes me happy.
People keep telling me I have great skin - thank God for that, because every time I try to apply make-up, I end up looking like a battered woman.

I am free to work, practice my religion, shop, cook, vote, live. I am not persecuted for my age, race, religion. I am not forced into servitude or marriage.

I have a good life!

Thank God I remembered that - well thank God that He reminded me :)

In Other News....

2008-10-14T14:32:00.002-04:00

I am moving up the weight ladder.
I managed 5 bicep curls with 15lb. weights.
And I'm up to a 20 lb. weight for my triceps.

3 months ago, I could barely do 5 bicep curls with 5lb. weights.

Seems small I know, but very exciting!

Today, bicep curls - tomorrow I might just be able to keep up with Emma in the pool!

14 days and time keeps speeding up!

2008-10-14T10:21:00.002-04:00

14 days until I turn 31.
Yup, 31.

I thought 30 was suppose to be the milestone year?
Why does this feel like such a big deal?

I spent the entirety of the Thanksgiving long week-end with my family. Yep - all 3 days.
It was pretty uneventful and fun (which is shocking for 3 days in family confinement).

Here's the weird part - relaxing week-end, no conflict with the family despite 3 entire days of interaction, yummy thanksgiving dinner, which
I made in it's entirety, that should be a great thing! But instead of feeling happy, I can't help but feel discontented.
I have this sad feeling that this is the best my life is going to get - me and my mother for the rest of my life.
I had zero exciting plans - I just cooked, knit and sat on the sofa scanning through channels all week-end (to add insult to injury, there was nothing good on TV).

In all honesty I did accomplish a lot.
I made dinner for 6 (although I made enough for 12)
Turkey, garlic mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole, stuffing, cranberry sauce, gravy and maple pumpkin pie. (It was starch heaven!)

I finished the sweater I was knitting for Catherine's baby (started in May, baby was born in July). I even got to deliver it.

I got to unpack, do laundry, repack

All necessary stuff, and should have been worthwhile ends - but they just feel like shallow accomplishments.

but all I keep thinking is "so what?" and "now what?"

My Birth Month

2008-10-02T10:16:00.003-04:00

It's October already.

Time just keeps speeding up. It's surreal.

The "what have I done with my life" contemplation has started to set in. It's not pretty.

I am nowhere different than I was a year ago. Other than just older, with nothing new to show for it.
Well that's not true - I have a sofa and a dining table and fabulously painted walls. This time last year we were sitting on Caty's sleeping bag in an empty condo.

I have 26 more days of this sad contemplation :(

The Weirdest Dream

2008-09-23T09:59:00.003-04:00

Now this may have been because we were talking about the discomforts of gender specific medical exams after dinner last night. Or maybe even because I watched the episode of 90210 where Andrea goes into labour prematurely right before falling asleep, but I had the weirdest dream last night.
And lucky you guys, get to read all about it.

So my dream begins with me suddenly being about 6 months pregnant. And the way I discover in the dream that I am pregnant at all is because the baby starts to move around and makes an unusual impression on my belly which a lady at church sees.
So I am just as shocked as everybody else that this is going on at this point in time.
Then the associate pastor of my church takes me aside to talk to me about this new development. and I say to him - "Mark I have no idea how this could have happened, you don't understand, I've never had sex."
He looks at me skeptically and I am feeling real desperation that he doesn't believe me.
"No seriously, not even close - nothing south of the equator, I swear!" "Heck, technically nothing south of the North Pole!"

So now I am feeling yucky - I am pregnant, I feel like I am totally being shunned as a heretic (who do I think I am the Virgin Mary?). I am pregnant which is cool - but I will have to go through the pain of childbirth.
And I have no idea how any of this happened to me.
I spend the rest of my dream trying desperately to convince people (everyone I know) that I am still a virgin, and nobody is believing me. In fact people are starting to doubt my sanity, and the dreaded sympathy for the poor crazy pregnant girl is coming out.

That's the last part I remember. It was really weird. Especially because I had such mixed emotions in the dream - I was in awe that a life was developing inside me, and shamed because people thought it was ill begotten, and confused because I had no idea how it happened, and hurt because no one believed me.

Weird.

Jet Setting

2008-08-30T13:57:00.002-04:00

I think I may just officially qualify for jet setter status at this point in time.
The first qualifier is that the staff at the hotel counter now know me by name - I've checked in and out weekly for the past couple of week and will continue to do so for the next little while.

I recognize the airline counter folks - there's a super cutie named Andrew who has a British accent at the Porter counter in the Ottawa airport.

And I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo sick of eating out.
I never thought I would ever say that. Normally a restaurant meal is one of my favourite things. But having to eat out for breakfast, lunch and dinner for so long, is just not as fun as having it as a treat.
I have also had some very yucky restaurant food this last week.

So listen to my twisted, incorrect logic. I had this mediocre Greek food from a restaurant by the office on Thursday night. I didn't like it too much, so I ate less than half. So then I decided to get the rest packed-up for lunch the next day.
Well, in reality food that doesn't taste good does not magically start to taste better after being microwaved the next day.
But I just couldn't bring myself to throw it out. :(

In Arabic there is an expression, "kosara ya batni, l'a ti kob il tabik". Loosely translated it means, better to spoil my stomach than throw away food. I have been raised on that principle and it's a hard habit to break.

On the flip side, I have had some very amazing food - I tried authentic Poutine from a Pattaterie in Quebec for the first time, it was awesome!

So I have my fingers crossed for some great home cooking this week-end, courtesy of my Mom and more enjoyable culinary adventures next week.

FunSuckers and JoyBringers

2008-08-14T16:16:00.004-04:00

I have lots of friends, and usually I consider that a good thing. But every once in a while I can't help but notice that some of my friends can sometimes be a "FunSucker".

My definition of a FunSucker is someone who somehow manages to suck every ounce of happiness and joy from any event, activity or comment. Like a person who tells you that reason why what you're wearing is not flattering is because your body just wasn't made to look good or will never look good in clothes or some such other thing.
In my experience (and since it's my term, my experience gets to be the expert) they are also the kind of people who perceive the world through a negative lens for themselves as well and are always looking to prove just how much their life sucks worse than anybody else's. The "you think you've got it bad, well...." kind of people.
They're kind of like the black hole of a friendship.

My most recent FunSucker ambush was earlier this week. I had been having a fun day, actually was humming under my breath most of the day at work and had some friends over in the evening. Our conversation turned to me being single (as somehow conversations tend to flow to the most innermost of my thoughts) and I casually mentioned how this can sometimes be a struggle for me. My friend's response was "well you better get used to it, because you're probably going to be single for life. So deal with being lonely, you're stuck with it". DING! all the Fun/Joy of the day immediately sucked out of the room, sucked out of the evening, even sucked out of the day.

In opposition I also have some "JoyBringer" friends. These are the folks whom you just can't help but be happy to be around. They bring fun and happiness to even the most mundane of tasks.

In fact, I have one such friend that my ex-boyfriend used to jealously call "Fun Rob". He would complain that all Rob and I would do is drive around and yet somehow I considered it the most fun activity. And when he and I would drive around it was not as much fun. And he was right. Something about Rob's pleasure in simple things and joy at driving down a new street and blasting the radio was always just so much fun.

Now sometimes the FunSucker and the JoyBringer are not even people but just activities or events or circumstances.

For me, I seem to find many more JoyBringers than FunSuckers fall into this category.
For example, no matter how nasty my day, seeing a rainbow - the symbol of God's promise to Noah to never again destroy the earth in a flood -makes me smile. It reminds me of God's presence and His love.
Or the way I can only smile and sing along when I hear Great Big Sea. It's hard to stay in a bad mood with that music playing.

The fact that laughter is contagious. Or that when the sun shines, people sort of instinctively close their eyes, and turn their faces towards it and smile.

The part that makes me sad is that the FunSucker always trumps the JoyBringer. It doesn't matter how many instances of JoyBringer you've received in a day, it only takes one FunSucker to nullify them.

The Lunch Hour Dilemma

2008-07-31T12:54:00.003-04:00

Would you rather spend time with people or save money?
What would you do with a free hour in the middle of the day?

I work in a 247 call centre environment. And I am one of the few who is not in a queue answering phones. What that means is that most everybody else is on a staggered lunchtime schedule.
So depending on the time you start you get to take lunch approximately 4 hours later. Also our phone folks are not allowed to overlap lunch - so people only get to be off one person at a time.

So I get an hour for lunch every day - and the possibility of someone being off for lunch with me.

Here's the dilemma - I have an entire hour - and if I bring a lunch I finish it in about 10 minutes, sitting looking lonely by myself in the lunchroom, because nobody from my department is on lunch with me. This is of course the more frugal and healthier option.

If I decide to run errands on my break - I am rushed through them, get back to the office, and have to figure out what to eat super quick at my desk.

If I decide to go out for lunch, I usually find someone to come with me, but I am spending between $5-$10 a day on lunch - not including my $3-$5 on breakfast. This is most obviously the most social and expensive choice.

So I hate being alone - especially for meals. That should come as no shock. but I am getting tired of eating out everyday. It's boring, expensive and unhealthy.

So I pose this question - what does everybody else do with their lunch break?
Give me some good ideas, I'd like to break free of my mold!

I am Loosing my Credibility

2008-07-27T23:53:00.002-04:00

Have you ever been told that you talk too much?
I think that it may just be the #1 sentence that I have heard in my life.

It's been a while since I heard it - it was more of a birth through graduating High School sort of thing. Actually I have also been told that I speak very quickly, especially when I get excited.

The school bus driver I had in grade 2 used to call me Jabberwocky after the Poem. He said that the faster I spoke the more my words blurred together and stopped making sense.

I am a very sensitive person by nature - I do not always respond well to being teased - but hear something enough and you start to develop a thick skin about it.

My memory is cloudy, but I think it's a statement that just stopped bugging me because I heard it so much.

Now, as a rule, I have always felt that individuals who say little tend to be perceived as wise when they speak, by virtue of the fact that they don't choose to speak very often. I think people start assuming, that your words must be of great value if you only engage in them ever so often. Maybe it's like the economic law of supply and demand.

And even though I do talk a lot (I have never disputed that fact - but I do believe too much to be a relative term), I usually feel like what I have to say is taken seriously and respected.

I have been starting to loose that confidence lately. Sometimes it's like I'm watching the scene from a third person perspective and I can actually see people tuning out or not listening. Now this can be a normal part of interaction, and from time to time is not a big deal - I engage in such behaviours myself, it's normal.

But I have been feeling like this is my full experience of communication lately. Like every time I open my mouth to say something, the listener has already decided that not only is what I have to say not worthwhile, but also that I couldn't possibly hold any level of knowledge or expertise in what I am saying.

Now here's the kicker for me anyways - the logical part of my brain says, 'it's not worth arguing over, just stop talking' but my tongue isn't paying attention to my brain and wont stop. Then I get frustrated and annoyed as I am watching my non-listener cut me off, ignore what I say, question my credibility.

If I were to turn it into a cartoon - it would closely resemble the Coke Zero commercials with the eyeball and the 2 tongues.

Only, I am feeling kind of bullied by my non-listener(s), which is a concerning feeling to have.
And despite this I just can't seem to get smart enough to shut-up.

So the really troubling thought becomes - am I no longer credible? Do I really have no idea what I'm talking about, and am living in some sort of dream-world? Do I need to suck it up and either shut up or get educated? Or am I genuinely being bullied and need to just have a tough skin about it - like when I would be told I talk too much?

Sadly answering any of the above questions in the affirmative is a negative thing.

Bad Food Karma

2008-07-17T11:18:00.003-04:00

I am cursed.
Once might have been a fluke but twice now - something must be up!

Last week I went to COSTCO on my lunch break to pick-up some groceries and grabbed some pre-packaged sealed Tabbouli salad for my lunch.

I got back to my desk at work - and opened my sealed salad not due to expire for like 4 days and I found it was mouldy.
Yep - stinky, fuzzy, mouldy!

So I got up, went back to COSTCO and returned it. I ended up getting one of their hot dogs for my lunch - not nearly as healthy but reasonably safer to eat I felt.

This morning, I went down to the cafeteria in the office building to grab a bagel. So I come back to my desk with my bagel and decaf, settle back into my work load and am just about to take a bite when I notice something on the top of my bagel nestled into the sesame seeds. I take a closer look and upon close inspection to my HORROR it's a dead bug. Yup, a bug!
And remember this is me we're talking about - we all know how I feel about insects and creatures with exoskeletons in general. It was all I could do to remain composed and not scream. After all I am sitting at my desk in the office.

So I pick up my offensive treat, and rush back downstairs to return it to the cafeteria lady. She is shocked, advises it must have been packaged that way (like I care about how it happened, I am freaked out that it happened to me!) and proceeds to make me another one.

She and I both must have inspected the poor second bagel like 3 times.
So far it's got the all clear and I am cautiously eating it now.

I am not sure what the moral of the story is here - always inspect your food maybe?
I think what I need is a cup bearer - in Biblical times a cup bearer would taste and inspect everything for the king before the king would eat or drink anything. Now of course the cup bearer was actually checking for poison, but I figure the lack of possible death from poisoning on the job might be more likely to entice someone to the position in today's day and age.

Monday, Monday!

2008-07-14T09:28:00.002-04:00

Wow! Monday already.
Didn't we just leave this party?

It feels like last thing I knew it was Friday night, then blink, almost missed the week-end, and now we've rolled around to Monday again.

I know the science behind the feeling that time is moving faster- and it is solid, but experiencing the phenomenon is somewhat surreal. How much more can things speed up as I get older? I am not actually old yet, so there is nowhere to go but faster.

Here's how it is explained:
Each of us measures the passing of time using our lifetime as a reference. That is when when you are a child everything takes forever because a year when you are 5 is an entire 5th of your life, that's a long time. But a year to a 50 year old is only a 50th of his/her life, not really very much in perspective.

So here's why I worry. If it already feels too fast and we're only talking about a perspective of 1/30 - how much more complaining am I going to do about this when it's 1/70?

Maybe this is the beginning of "When I was your age, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow year round to get anywhere!"

What a terrible thought, I've just transformed myself into an ornery old man at 30!!

Well, I guess if I'm destined to be ornery, I can strive to do it well. Oh, and ladylike - I don't want to be mistaken for a man.

"The Chase"

2008-07-10T22:22:00.003-04:00

Yesterday Emma and I swam together.

It was our first time working out together in this fashion.

And let me tell you, as a novice who paired up with a swim team elite - it was a lot of HARD work.

Emma agreed to follow my laps schedule - which gives a 2 lap walk break, because I need it.

Ok, so early on, she had comfortably lapped me.
Not wanting to be that much worse than she was, I did my best to move as quickly as I could and catch-up.

So at one point, I was getting closer and Emma said "Wow! That was good, I had to speed up a little" and in my head, I was shouting "yes!"

Now to give you a perspective about out adventures, I must reference Pepe Lepew and that adorable cat that he kept mistaking for a skunk and chasing while enamoured.
Remember how the cat was at an all out run, completely frazzled and working as hard as she could? Meanwhile Pepe was sauntering along, enjoy the "chase" and barely breaking a sweat.

That was Emma and I - Me the cat and she Pepe Lepew.
I was working as hard as I possibly could and completely out of breath, meanwhile she was enjoying a leisurely swim, barely a hair out of place.

I imagine that to any onlookers it must have been a comical sight - but my goodness was it ever fun and rewarding.

So I am looking forward to our next scheduled swim. And even more so I am looking forward to the day when we're both keeping pace and being Pepe Lepew!

Irony

2008-07-04T14:41:00.002-04:00

Yesterday while in a counselling session a client said to me "I feel like there is no meaning to life"

I cognitively re-framed and said "What if you decided that it's your responsibility to bring the meaning to your life. And that Life's activities have the meaning you choose for them."

Irony.

Is that it?

2008-07-02T14:29:00.002-04:00

Ok, I know it has been a looooong while - I am now up and running with an internet connection at home, so there should not be such a large gap in my future.

So I find myself on July 2nd going about my regular everyday business as usual, and I can't help but think "Is that it?"

Is this sum total of regularity the full spectrum of what I was meant to experience?

Don't get me wrong, I have a good life.
My own condo, slowly but surely filling to capacity with furniture (and more importantly a phone, internet and TV).
I have great friends whom I have a lot of fun with (and the sunburn to prove it!)

But there is something nagging at the back of my brain telling me that if this is it, this is not what I signed up for.
And I am not talking about being single vs. being married or coupled.

I am not looking for roller coaster drama (being a teenager brought enough of that about)
I am looking for meaning.
I know it sounds weird.

Some days I think that any other person could step into my life and take over my tasks with barely a hiccup.

What is it about the things that I do, that makes them important for me to be the one doing them?
I keep coming to the same conclusion - Nothing. It's all stuff anybody else could do, and most are.
I mean seriously - where's the meaning in doing the laundry or making the bed or cleaning the house or making a meal.

I don't mean to say that I don't or can't do these tasks with some level of skill, I know that I can and do.

Is that it?
Is this the most I can milk out of life, regularity...

Will I just slip back into my routine and let the regularity lull me into thinking this is good enough?

Is it good enough?

Do I have the right to expect more?
Can I achieve more? How?

In other news - I have some routine things to take care of that I should be getting back to.

New Year, New You!

2008-01-02T14:19:00.000-05:00

Wow!
2008 already!

As mentioned in previous posts, I am not one for New Year's Resolutions. I become more reflective and tend to make resolutions around my birthday. but I do find it very interesting to watch how geared-up our culture gets about resolutions.

Yesterday, on the Women's Network the entire day's worth of programming was about Diet and Weight Loss.

Today, my first day back at work since before Christmas, I've already had 3 conversations about people wanting to "eat right" or "loose weight" or "get fit".

I wonder what it is about January 1st that gets people so focused on "bettering myself". Why not Mach 12th?

Hey, we could invent a holiday - a "Make me into something I'm not day" or "Resolution Day" for short. And the whole purpose of the day is to decide on 3 resolutions. 3 Life Changing things that we can market as manageable and talk about turning it into baby steps, etc....

We could play it like New Year's eve and say that the point of the holiday is to find 5 friends who have similar goals, and then you countdown to Midnight - the start of the date - then you yell "Happy New Me!!!!!!!!" And we take it from there.

Heck it would be another Holiday and with some creative marketing we might even be able to get the government to turn it into a STAT holiday.

Now we just need a date....hmmmm...maybe in November or April? This year, they're the only months without a STAT holiday.

Who's with me?!

the Meaning of Christmas

2007-12-19T12:32:00.001-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKk9rv2hUfA

My Side of the Bed

2007-12-13T09:26:00.000-05:00

Have you ever heard it said that everybody's got a "side" of the bed.

I always thought that was a bit of an unusual phenomenon. How is one's side of the bed determined exactly? And what happens if you start sharing a bed with someone who has the same side as you do - who trumps whom?

I never really gave the theory much credence.

So for the past 10 years I slept in a single bed. Which basically means that I didn't have a side of the bed - the whole bed was my side. In fact the twin was a little short, and my feet always hung over the edge as well.

As a result of having a twin for so long, I am not a mover in my sleep. I basically just slip under the covers, fall asleep, no movement, and slip back out in the morning. To make the bed most days, I just sort of smooth out the sheets, because not much has been disturbed.

When I got my own place the one piece of furniture I splurged on was my bed. In fact it remains currently the only piece of furniture I own. And I got a great queen size bed!
I sort of arbitrarily chose the right side of the bed to sleep on. And for the first 3 months my usual patterns and habits of sleep prevailed. Only this time my feet do not hang over the edge of the bed.

So I had this brainstorm last week. I figured that I own the whole bed, and I didn't want the work of having to rotate the mattress. So I decided to simply switch the side that I sleep on every 3 months in order for the bed to wear evenly. And as an added bonus that places the alarm clock on the far side, and might make sure that I actually get up when it goes off, because I can't reach the snooze.

Apparently I DO have a side of the bed. Because I have not had a decent night's sleep since the switch. And I toss and turn continuously. I know because my sheets are this huge tumble in the morning, and making the bed now takes me more that the 15 seconds it used to.

Ok but what made my body decide that the right side was my side of the bed, and now that I'm on the left something is wrong. I had no real side of the bed for 10 years, and now in 3 months my body is fixed?

The stubborn side of me is sort of refusing to simply switch back to the right side. I want to conquer this troubled sleep on the left side thing. But then the rational part of me says, I'll just find myself in the same predicament in 3 months time when I try and switch back.

Ah well, one more thing to add to my interview questions for a potential spouse "What side of the bed do you sleep on?" Cause it looks like the right side has been claimed!

It's Alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-12-10T22:57:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I've been trying to be as frugal as I can, and have sucked-it-up, plugged my nose, put on surgical gloves and have been buying my produce from the Price Chopper, No Frills and Food Basics in my neighbourhood.

So several weeks back, Ok about 6 weeks back, I bought celery (I can't remember from which one) because it was like 47 cents for a stalk.

So as I may have mentioned in previous posts, I have a hard time eating food before it spoils - and I still end up throwing some stuff out. Although I have discovered that some types of produce last a surprisingly long time.

So the celery lasted about 3 weeks, untouched in my crisper in the fridge. Then one day, I get home from work, and I want a snack, and I remember the celery and figure that would make a nice snack.

I take it out of the fridge, peel off a couple of ribs, and place them on the edge of the sink in prep for the washing, and put the rest of celery back in the bag, in order to return it to the fridge.

And out of the corner of my eye, I notice a little something on one of the ribs of celery - looked sort of like a leaf that was starting to expire.
So I figured I could flick it into the garbage with my little finger.

I pull the trash bin out from under the sink, and simultaneously reach in towards the celery with my pinky.
As my pinky makes contact, the object moves. Yup, I said moves!
Upon closer inspection, my "leaf" turned out to be a worm.

yup, a WORM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In my celery!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It had been living in my fridge for 3 whole weeks!

I flipped out.
I grabbed the offending celery, and the other ribs, and flung them into the trash.
I opened the fridge and proceeded to trash every piece of fresh produce in my fridge.
Then I tied-up the trash and removed it immediately to the trash chute and out of my place.

And because I can't remember where I bought it, it has put me off buying produce at all.

So for the past 2 weeks, my fridge has been completely devoid of all fruits and vegetables.

If the next time you see me, I look a little pale and undernourished - It's probably Rickets.

More Travel

2007-11-14T12:12:00.000-05:00

Ok work has somehow exploded suddenly - even though things are suppose to slow down for us as we move towards the end of the year.

So I'm starting to get peeved by this business travel business!
I am off to Ottawa this time, and because of an appointment I couldn't cancel, I have to go and come back 2 weeks in a row!!

So I'm out for 2 weeks (minus Fridays and Saturdays) for the last week in November and the First week in December.

That sucks!!

Well at least I'm around for Saturday evenings (I've got partied booked on the Dec. 1st and 8th), I would have been a lot more grumbly if I would have had to miss those!

Ok , that's my rant.

Have a good Wednesday :)

Home Sweet Home

2007-11-05T09:05:00.000-05:00

It's Monday morning - and I am exhausted!
Seriously exhausted - dragging my battered body kind of exhausted.

But I feel so ridiculously accomplished, that I'm grinning none the less.

I spent this past week-end, in it's entirety paining my new place. For a small place, it sure did take a lot of work and time. And entire week-end!

And thank the Lord for Hard Core Friends - if ti wasn't for Caty, Bruce, Leah (who worked all week-end long) and Austin, Emma and Rydra (my pinch hitters) - I would be sitting in a room surrounded by open paint cans, high off the crazy fumes and probably crying in frustration and defeat!

And if Leah and Bruce weren't hard core enough (see above) they also put up mirrors, a clock and the picture that Emma got me as a housewarming gift. Dude - these are the friends you take into battle with you :)

So now even though the place remains sans furniture (and will continue to be so for the foreseeable future), I think it may be time to start thinking about a housewarming party.

So stay tuned - an e-vite may be coming your way.

But for now, all I can really think about is just how much I want to go back to sleep - and maybe sleep for about a week!

Somehow Life Speeds Up

2007-10-31T16:57:00.000-04:00

I know that I am far behind in my accomplishments leading up to my birthday plan.

Truth be told I had 2 limiting factors:

#1 - access issues - which continue for me at home (silly neighbours all have security enabled routers!)

#2 - I have run out of things to mark as accomplishments.
I don't think it's because I don't have any more - I just can't call anything to mind.

My Birthday passed as a nice day, in the company of many good friends (which was a nice surprise!) for lunch, and a family dinner.

I don't feel very different, maybe age agrees with me?
Or maybe it's just the wisdom I have gleaned having left my twenties ;)

So what I thought would be a slow down of activity and responsibilities has actually become a speed-up.
Too much to do, too little time - seems to be a never ending story!

Access Limited - Sorry

2007-10-22T16:56:00.000-04:00

I am in PEI this week on business, and have very limited access to personal email, or even computer resources.

Sorry for messing with my own resolution.

I plan on updating upon my return.

I Have Travelled on Business

2007-10-19T09:30:00.000-04:00

I used to think that would be a glamorous thing.
Be a world traveller, flying business class in a smart suit across the world.

So it's not really what I thought it would be.

First nobody except for executives fly business class - and economy I've already done.

Secondly - you only fly where your company has offices - so Ottawa is not particularly exotic.

As a kid I used to always wish that we could eat out more, and not have home food every night. So I am surprised that as an adult, I get sick of having to eat every single meal from a restaurant.

On the bright side, I have gotten to go to PEI - which is somewhere I have never been before.

So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we magically have to open an office in Hawaii or something :)

I Have Observed Cardiac Surgery in the OR

2007-10-18T10:22:00.000-04:00

It was 1996, and this was a co-op position that I won.

So I was originally planning on graduating a semester early and getting a full time job in order to help pay for university.

I was approached by a co-op teacher about a competition that is Ontario wide, where only something like 12 students from across the province planning to go into sciences at university, would get to participate in a Biomaterials co-op placement, and then present a poster about the research done during the placement at the 5th World Biomaterials Congress.

So I agreed to apply for the contest.
I got one of the 12 spots, and I got to work for a company called Corvita Canada.

The office was at U of T downtown in the Dentistry building. I work with PH.D. Chemical Engineers and we were looking at acellularizing the structure or matrix of veins. This would allow us to harvest veins from others, for things like bypass surgery. And if the matrix contained no cells, we wouldn't have to worry about rejection. And then surgery would be easier on by-pass patients because it would be a single point of entry as opposed to two.

So as part of this team, I had 2 jobs.
#1 - I did a study on using SDS as a re-uptake or drug delivery device within the acellularized matrices (I still have my poster from the presentation).
#2 - I observed open heart surgery twice a day, almost every day in order to collect sutcher samples which we could use to identify the average length of a bypass.

It was a really cutting edge job, and it was cool. I had a hard time with how solitary the work is - same exact experiment every day, no one else around.

So when I was offered a permanent job with them - through the summer then part-time after that, I declined (which I am kicking myself for now).

but hey, it's a cool thing I got to do in my life, and before I hit 30 to boot!

I Have Travelled Across Half of the Country Public Speaking

2007-10-16T12:36:00.000-04:00

The year was 1997.
It was the beginning of May.
My journey began on a train ride from Toronto to Kingston. First time I took the train (actually, I think the only time I have done so).

In Kingston, I met 2 girls Teresa and Kathy - new to me. And they were my ride to Ottawa.

One week of "Base Camp" training in Ottawa, then we broke into groups of 6 people in each mini-van (6 in total) and we headed off to our respective locations.

I was on the Central Canada team, we covered every town and city between the Alberta border and the Quebec border.

And Challenge '97 was officially begun.

I got to see the Giant Egg in Vegreville, the Big Nickel in Sudbury, the Terry Fox memorial in Thunder Bay, the most memorable Aurora Borealis in Dryden.

I got to have one foot in Saskatechewan and one foot in Alberta in Lloydminster.

I got a 15 minute tour of Wes Edmonton Mall - when we pit stopped in Alberta for about 1 hour.

I kicked my friend Pete out of the bed when he half asleep got in. I was sound asleep, but my radar just knew something was improper.

I got to drive into North Dakota and have my shoes confiscated at the border on the drive back, because there was mud on my shoes. Then I had to do an assembly in a school an hour after that in my stocking feet.

I attended a "social" in Winnipeg - which is basically a party in a Church basement used to raise money for something. In this case it was my friend Andre's band.

Oh yeah, and almost once a day, pretty much every week-day for 6 weeks, I was a part of a presentation team (2 or 3 of us) - talking about Chastity in schools, churches, community centres, etc.

It was not only a blast, but a great opportunity for Public Speaking, which I think is a skill that has served me well since then.

I Have Run 5K

2007-10-15T09:44:00.000-04:00

This is a huge accomplishment for me.

I have always wanted to be, but never really been an athletic sort of person.

At recess in Elementary school, I would sit by the doors and read - it was always so stinking cold out for playing.

I dropped gym in high school as soon as I was able to (I think the last gym class I took was grade 9).

I always dreamed about being that 6am jogger, in a cute outfit - all matchy-matchy in a ponytail, and smiling as I conquered the physical world before my regular day started.

Ok so I may have run 5K - a handful of times now - but I have never matched my stereotype.

First off, it's really tiring and hard - I am always the slowest in the pack, red as a beet and completely winded by the time I'm done.

But I did it, which is something, I never truly thought I would be able to do.
I had resigned myself to being an nonathletic person, who just couldn't do it.

What I have discovered is mostly that I'm just an uneducated athlete. I never played sports, never rode a bike, never ice skated, never took swimming lessons as a kid, so I never learned how to do these things. And I am always slightly embarrassed to learn as an adult - when everybody else has already mastered the skill.

I thought that meant I was bad at it, because everybody else could already do it, and knew it.
Turns out I am simply new at it, and can be good at things I never thought would be possible for me - if I just have the patience to learn.

That's a big IF - I hate looking and feeling incompetent, and worry about looking silly.

But joining the running room, and learning to Run, has opened me up a little more - I may just come out to a sporty event - even though I've never played before and don't know the rules, and will feel like I look stupid.

So this is not only an accomplishment, but one that has made subtle yet strong changes in my willingness to engage life.

I have Painted a Picture

2007-10-14T22:48:00.000-04:00

It's true.
Usually I draw stick figures and people ask me if it's an abstract design.

In 1998, I flew to Winnipeg to spend a week with my friend Pete and his family. So Pete's Dad is an artist, and one day during my visit, he offered to sit me with me and help me paint a picutre.

So this very kind and very very patient man, sat with me for 3 days. First he helped me to select a picture I wanted to duplicate. Then he patiently worked with me to blend colours, and learn how to use all the different brushes, etc.

So the final result is a painting that looks nothing like the original I was trying to replicate. But still a copmpletely recognizable ocean scape. And I was so excited about this painting that I carried it home on the plane on my lap, to keep it safe.

Once home, I got it custom framed, and it has hung ever since at the base of the stairwell from the second to third floor in my Mom's house.

I don't know if I am ever likely to be able to paint anything else that might be framed and put on a wall somewhere - but I can proudly say, that I have already done so.

I have Read Scripture at a lot of my Friends' Weddings

2007-10-13T23:18:00.000-04:00

I think this should count as an accomplishment on several levels:

#1 - I have a lot of friends who cherish my friendship at a level where they wanted to include me in one of the most important days of their lives in a significant way. This to me is a tremendous blessing. I have always hated that I am an only child, and I think that I compensate for that by valuing a large friends network. But what being so included means is that I have been good at being a genuine friend, and not someone who is superficially adding to their acquaintances.

#2 - I am good at public speaking, or rather public recitation to be more exact. At Kevin and Michelle's Wedding, I got to read this cool speech directed to the bride and groom about what Marriage is.

#3 - I have gotten to go to a lot of weddings - and weddings are always fun!
I enjoy dressing up
I enjoy feasting on a gourmet meal
and a wedding is the #1 place that I enjoy dancing, and I really enjoy dancing

So here's to good food, lots of fun, and lots of dancing! And this accomplishment is about getting to celebrate all of these things with people who are special to me.

I Rode an Elephant

2007-10-12T11:41:00.000-04:00

Yep!
Emma and I did it together at the EX one year.

The Elephant was from the Oshawa zoo, and he (or she, I can't remember) was a very sweet and gentle beast.

But my word if it wasn't huge!! And a little scary.

It was a lot of fun in the end - I just wish I had my camera to document it.

I have also been on a camel ride (twice, the first time was in Colorado and the second was by the pyramids).

And a couple of stints under my belt of horseback riding.

So I guess that leaves a donkey - then I've exhausted the meant to be ridden beasts.

I Have Stood Up for What I Believe

2007-10-11T10:04:00.000-04:00

And on occasion, I have paid dearly for that choice.
For me Junior High was the most peer pressured time. I know the stereo-type is that High School should be the worst, but for me High School was a relief. It was a place, where everybody was mostly the same, and we did not have a lot of labels for people. We still had "loosers", but you had to be pretty weird to get that label, and there were very few of them. Other than that, we all had the freedom to do our own thing.

Junior High was a different story, littered with cliques, and popularity contests - it was a self-esteem nightmare.

And I had several moments where I believe that I did shine, and lots when I didn't.

One time, I had failed a test in History - I think it was. I got something around 42% (which was surprisingly higher than the class average on that test). I thought that the teacher had added incorrectly and given me 10 extra marks. So I went and told him - I remember him saying, "Are you sure you want me to check that? You've done quite poorly already".
And I remember my reply. "I don't want any marks I didn't earn and don't deserve".
I am proud of myself for that moment.

I remember being ridiculed for a lot of things in school, my weight, my Faith, my curly hair, the list goes on.......

And while I didn't always respond with grace or wisdom, the moments when I did, shine for me.

I only hope that as I continue to age and mature (hopefully maturity comes with age), that I will have more and more shining moments.
So that at the end of my life, when I look back, what I will see will be like a glorious night sky littered with more shining starts than I can count.

I Have Completed 2 Degrees

2007-10-10T10:07:00.000-04:00

Yes, because I'm a glutton for stress :)

My Bachelor's Degree just might have been the most stressful 4 years of my life. I was so fixated on doing well, and getting into Medical School.
And I was a commuter to bear, so the 1 hour 20 minute commute to the university daily did not help.

My fist week was so bad, that on the Friday, I decided to buy a chocolate from the vending machine to cheer myself up. I bought a pack of M&Ms and the entire time I'm eating them, I'm thinking - gee, these taste a little funny. but I told myself to get over it, it was probably my bad mood tempering my taste buds.

So I finish the pack and then open it up (because the outside said that there was a contest, and to look inside to see if you're the winner). I don't remember what the contest was, but I opened up the wrapper, and I had won! I started to smile, the clouds had started to part and a little ray of sunshine was finally getting through my miserable week. It looked like my luck was changing.

Then I looked more closely at the label. The contest had expired August something of the PREVIOUS year. The sun went away, the clouds gathered en-mass and it started to storm.
My luck had not changed at all.

Things did get better from there - after all I made some pretty cool friends in University.

And my degrees were a lot of time, and effort - and totally worth it in retrospect - although I did not always feel that way while in the moment.

I Have Been Guest on a TV Talk Show

2007-10-09T08:57:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I've been on TV more than I realized - I have a couple more instances other than this one and the game show.

For this one, I was 17. And I was on a panel about Teens and Sex.
The producers basically got 2 sets of people (pro and con) and they sat us interspersed along the stage.

They told us they wanted a lively debate, and then when things got that way, the host, chastised us a little and told us to be nice. It was somewhat ironic.

This is where I met Rebeca, who was the organizer of The Challenge Team, and that's how I found out about it, and what eventually lead to what is sometimes affectionately know as my Sex tour. (the talking about No Sex tour, would be more accurate).

And this time around, I did get a copy on video of the show. So If anybody wants to see a pretty old episode of The Shirley Show, with me in it - I can oblige you.

I have been "in love"

2007-10-08T15:25:00.000-04:00

Yes, it's true, and to borrow a line from one of my favourite films (Love Actually) "...the total agony of being in love".

It can be an agonizing experience, but in that lies some of it's beauty.
I was also lucky enough to be in love with someone who started out as my best friend. And the depth of that experience is unparalleled (as has been my experience thus far).

And I have also ended a relationship while totally in love with that person. My reasons were simple, again I'm going to borrow a line from a movie (Ever After) "A bird may love a fish Signore, but where would they live?".

And I want to count both the experience of being in love and the wisdom and courage to end a relationship while in love as parts A and B of this accomplishment.

I have Eaten Alone in a Restaurant

2007-10-07T20:10:00.000-04:00

This may not seem like an accomplishment to some of you.
And I will wholeheartedly admit to not enjoying it one bit, but through the necessity of eating while on business travel, I have on one single occasion, sat in a restaurant alone,sans reading material and had dinner.

And I feel quite accomplished for having done so.

I'm the girl who will play Bejewelled on her Palm pilot while waiting for take-out, or have the TV on while cooking dinner - even though I can't see it from the kitchen.

I am not good at being alone. And I am very creative at keeping busy and surrounded by others, as you well know if you've ever spent any time with me.

So this is a very big accomplishment for me.

I have been to the Pyramids of Giza

2007-10-05T11:15:00.000-04:00

Ok, this one is sort of not fair - land of my birth and all.

But it is kind of cool that I have been to see live one of the only 2 man made objects visible from space. The great wall of China is the other.

And it is one of the 7 wonders of the Ancient world - sadly it didn't make the new list :(

I did this in 1999.

I Have Been a Contestant on a TV Game Show

2007-10-04T14:31:00.000-04:00

Yep, I have - but I didn't win :(

This is a recent one as well, I taped the show the summer before last, and the show aired last year.

I didn't see myself, because the show aired on TvTropolis, and I didn't get that channel.

But I am a contestant on Episode 51 of Season 1 of "Inside the Box" which was a TV trivia game show.

And I have no swag to show for my participation. Heck I was there for like 6 hours, and they didn't even give us a bottle of water.

But it was fun.

I have flown an Airplane

2007-10-03T09:26:00.000-04:00

It has been a lifelong dream of mine to fly. It's one of the items that always ends up on one of those "things to do before I die" lists that I re-invent every once in a while.

It's probably because my Dad is an Aeronautical Engineer, so I got the bug early on, weather I was interested or not on my own. We used to go by the airport and my Dad would explain to me what kind of plane was in the air, and taught me how to guess based on the shape of the underbelly.

And it was a dream, I think I was pretty liberal about sharing.

In 2nd year university, my boyfriend told me he had a surprise for my Birthday. And if you know me at all, you know just how much I love both presents and pleasant surprises.

He told me to "dress warmly" and that was about it.

So he picks me up and we're driving and then he says - "Umm, I'm kind of not sure about the directions, I may need you to help me"
"Ok, no problem - where are we going?"
"Well, I don't want to tell you if I don't have to"
"Ok"

So we're driving north, and suddenly he pulls into the Buttonville Airport.
"ummm, you know this is an airport right? Is this where we're suppose to be?"
"yes, relax, this is the place"

So we met our instructor at the entrance.
We got a tour of the airport.
An explanation of the mechanics of flight.
A Tour of the Air Traffic Control tower
I got my name in the flight log as the co-pilot (how cool is that!)
And then I got to fly!

It was the most phenomenal and surreal experience.
I did absolutely everything except for the take-off and landing.
I taxied along the runway.
I learned about flying using instruments in the dark - that was funny, because I didn't quite get it at first and the instructor calmly says, "ok so now the plane is dropping at a rate of 750 feet a second"
"OH! Ok, so that means I need to pull up the nose right?"
"Yes, ok - good that's much better"

I remember it so clearly - which is funny, because I remember saying how I wished that I had brought my camera, so I wouldn't forget.

With the exception of God's gift of Jesus, which brings me eternal life with Him in Heaven, it's the best gift I have ever received.

So accomplishment #2 is my second best ever present.

I bought a Home

2007-10-02T10:18:00.001-04:00

This is my most recent accomplishment.
I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of it.
Other times, I feel like it's a trivial step, and I can't even do this right (after all I don't have any furniture, cable, a land-line or an Internet connection).

I do think it's a big step though, and should be counted as an accomplishment.

I sort of feel like I'm doing things a little backwards - most people buy their first home with their spouse or significant other, and I have not.

But then, that sort of makes me a little ahead of the game right? Not putting my life on hold, but rather living life, and making smart choices. At least I'm told home ownership is a smart choice.

And I am really learning to love it.
Sometimes I close my eyes, and I see it furnished, and it's so elegant - I sigh a little.

I can just say "come over" and it's always cool. This is by far what I am enjoying the most about having my own place.

So come over, and celebrate my accomplishment #1 with me :)

The Countdown Begins

2007-10-01T09:08:00.000-04:00

It's October 1st already!
In 28 days I will be 30 years old.

If you know me well, or have been reading my blog for a while now, you know that I always get this New Year's-esque sort of reflection about my life and my accomplishments around my birthday. And I usually make resolutions for myself.

I always seem to get a little bummed out as I reflect. I usually feel like I have not accomplished nearly as much as I expected to by __ age. And it doesn't seem to matter what the number in the blank is, I always seem to fall short.

But in the words of my wise friend (well this time wise anyways) Jeremy, "It's not a race".

So this year, I am going to try and buck the system, and my pattern. Now old habits die hard, so I'm not sure how well I will accomplish this, but I'm going to try.

So in honour of turning 30 - which is a big milestone. I hope to enter a post a day, and each one will be about something that I have accomplished in my life.

They may not be huge accomplishments (after all I do have to come up with about 27 of them) but I am going to try and think of one thing every day.

After all one should be celebrating when they reflect on their life, not lamenting.
Isn't that the point of a birthday party - bringing people together to celebrate the individual. Kind of saying, "I'm glad you're alive, you make my life a little sweeter by being in it".

Ahh my sadly dwindling bank account

2007-09-24T16:20:00.000-04:00

I never claimed to have a lot of money, and in fact have always had to work very hard for my pennies.

So when your few pennies start shrinking at rate that is much higher that with which it can be replenished - well, let's just say that while my bank account is shrinking, the knots in my stomach are growing!

I'm not at a zero balance - thank the Lord - that might just up and give me a heart attack - but I am uncomfortable at the point to which it's dipped.

I know that I have made smart choices with my money. And that investing in real estate is always a scary leap, but a good one. That has not however had any effect on my body's sudden urge to liquefy all of my insides.

This struggle and ensuing digestive upset had lead me to a few insights about my feelings on financial matters. (Always the therapist, I can't help but psychoanalyze my habits).

Here's what I've learned:

#1 - I do not like credit. I have been advised numerous times to do one of those "buy now, pay later" jobs for some furniture - and I just wont do it. I figure I can live without furniture, so when I have some set aside for it, then I can have the luxury of furniture. Pay attention here, I just called furniture a luxury?!!

#2 - Things that used to be normal expenses for me now seem to be extravagant expenses. For example, I used to be a grocery store snob. I hated going to no frills or food basics for food - it felt dirty and gross. I used to not mind paying a little extra for Longo's or Michael-Angelo's - I felt I was getting my money's worth on good quality stuff. And while that basic tenet has not changed - now, I walk through Longo's and say "$2.69 for that juice?! What a rip off, I'm sure I can get it at No Frills for $1.99". So I walk through the No Frills with this look of disdain on my face, as I purchase my groceries. And I am obsessively smelling everything to make sure it's clean.

#3 - I go for a swim or to work out in my condo, not because I want to, but because I am paying for it (as part of my condo fees) and feel that I am getting ripped off if I don't use it. the only bonus to this is the fact that there is cable in the gym (individual TVs for all the cardio equipment).

I feel like I'm going crazy! Actually, I feel like I'm behaving as a crazy person would.

Don't worry no need to call - (well I guess I would be the person you called in these types of situations, wouldn't I?)
Ahh, Irony....what a melancholy friend.

I think the most interesting thing I have learned about myself, is that my financial situation is probably not nearly as dire as it appears to me. But because of where I've been and my feelings of going it alone, with no safety net - I feel almost paralyzed with fear - I don't want to, I can't screw this up!

Ok that being said, I just wanted to let you know about a couple of luxuries I feel forced to cut out of my life right now.

As much as I love shopping for and giving gifts, I will be limited to cards this year for Birthdays and Christmas, etc. I know this is a big year for a lot of us (turning 30 and all) - so I am sorry.

As much as I LOVE my birthday, I think the merry making will not be a part of the plan this year.

In other news - did you hear I got my own place? How cool is that? And the kitchen is crazy fabulous! And it's mine, all mine!

I'm in.....now what?!

2007-09-07T18:24:00.000-04:00

As I write this I am sitting in my living room. Yes that's right, mine in my very own first place.
So here I am on an ottoman (one of 2 and my only pieces of furniture currently), staring off at the snow that my non cable receiving TV is emitting. I figure it's "white noise", and that's suppose to be a good thing.

I am running my dishwasher for the first time, and I have ice in my freezer and bottled water in my fridge.

My den is stacked with boxes, and I'm not really sure where anything is.

I am using somebody else's Internet signal (thank God - I don't know what I would do, if I couldn't have some sort of media!!)

I am about to spend my very first night in my new place.

And I am so excited. It feels like such a milestone in life.
Granted I always assumed that buying a home would be the sort of thing that I didn't do alone, it's a real pitch into the "grown-up" realm.

I am curious to see how I manage with only my own company, but I think it'll be a good learning experience for me.

That being said, please come visit - come over anytime and all the time - I HATE being alone :)
Just bring a lawn chair or a pillow or something, because chez Mira we recline Moroccan style (that's fancy for sit on the floor).

Ah, that's now, but just you wait, Mira's Party Palace will be fabulous before you know it.
Then you may have to book reservations 3 weeks in advance to come and visit.
(a girl can dream right?!)

Ho Hum

2007-07-25T10:51:00.000-04:00

And so it continues...

Life has been plodding along at it's usual pace with several enjoyable blips lately.

In June I got to be a part of Emma and Austin's Engagement - even though I was the only one who was in the dark as to what was going on. But as Emma said, at least one of us got to be surprised!

In July I bought a Condo - yes my first home, and attached "contract until death" roughly translated as a Mortgage.

I went to St. Jacob's for the first time.

I planted 3 seeds that have not died yet - FINALLY something that lives! Although I have had to bring them into the office for the extra support of 2 very green-thumbed co-workers.

Last night I had supremo seats to the Jays game - I won them @ work. Company seats are very nice. And we won 7-0!

In August I get to move in to my place.

And in between these flashes of joy, the everyday business of living continues.

I'm kind of making it sounds depressing.
It's not, it's mostly just boring.

And it always continues.......

Movie Love

2007-05-27T18:54:00.001-04:00

Last night Rydra & I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3.
Never mind that it was opening week-end and we had to drive to 3 theaters to find a non sold-out show. And while we were trying for an 8pm show, the earliest one we caught started at 10:30pm. I won't even tell you what time I got home after a 3 hour movie.

On, and don't worry what I'm about to tell you is not a spoiler.

So the movie is mostly an action flick, but there are still some elements of romance in it - the whole story between Will Turner and Elizabeth Swan.

It's about 3/4 of the way through the movie and Will and Elizabeth are sharing a tender moment. And I kind of sighed (yeah, I'm a girl) and thought, "I just want somebody to love me like that."

And God spoke to me.
Don't worry not in a crazy audible hallucination sort of voice.
But in the still small voice after the wind.

He said, "I do!"
"I love you so much, I sent a part of myself, my son to you."
"I suffered and died a painful death, so that we could be together for all eternity"
"And I do it all, even when you don't reciprocate my love in any way, or even recognize it."

And I started to cry.
So I was the only idiot crying in Pirates of the Caribbean. Good thing that theater is pitch black.

But I was also so fully aware of just how loved I am.
Loved completely, unconditionally, and based on no actions of my own.
Loved beyond all measure, and for all eternity.

So I think how God loves me and you gives Will Turner more than just a run for his money (ignoring the fact that he's a fictional character in a fantasy movie).

And it's very cool to know that I am loved more amazingly than any writer could ever conceptualize or any movie maker could ever bring to a screen.

I am loved! God freely gives me His love every day, despite the fact that I have done nothing to earn or deserve it.

I have been feeling all warm and fuzzy ever since I remembered that yesterday.

My Haircut

2007-05-24T14:12:00.000-04:00

I am going to get my haircut today. My appointment is right after work.
Now I know what you're thinking - big deal.
But it is a big deal for me - it probably is for most people with my kind of hair.

So my crazy, kinky curls need specialized attention.
My usual experience at the hair salon includes a stylist raving about my curls - giving me a BAD cut, poofing my hair out to all eternity and charging me a month's wages for the debacle!

When I was younger I used to go home in tears every time. My Mom would let me cry a little, wash my hair again and then do her best to tame the beast.

Because of this repetitive trauma, I do my best to avoid getting my hair cut. I usually save-up all the money I get on my birthday and get my cut around that time.

The last time I got my hair cut was in January - it was on a whim. That's your first indicator of disaster. I walked into this salon and innocently enquired as to the cost. I was talked into a colour and cut by the stylist who swore up and down that he had experience with curly hair.

The colour job was awesome - the lady matched my own hair so perfectly that some people didn't even notice that I got rid of my blonde highlights, and almost 6 months later, I have no visible roots.
The cut however was another story. So the guy tells me he's going to give me "the Rat cut" - which is suppose to be state of the art. And promised not to take a lot of the length (if you know anything about how curly hair shrinks, you know how important the length issue is) So he takes my hair, divides it into sections and starts twisting them around his fingers and cuts up the length of the hair.
Yep - UP the length of the hair.
So I ended up with these insane layers that looked like antenna poking out of my head at weird angles all the way around.

Then he brushed it out (again if you know anything about curly hair, this is where you would utter a horrified gasp) and sent me on my merry way.

So 3 hours later, I'm sitting at my friend's house, and my hair has added about 3 inches to my height and about as much to my width as well! Don't forget the unusual alien antenna halo to finish off the look.

So suffice it to say, getting my haircut is a big deal.

Another weird thing I have noticed about when I gear-up to get my haircut (because it does take some psychological prepping) I start to fall in love with my hair, or get lots of compliments on it or something like that.

Take Today for example. In the interests of trying to get the best haircut, I styled my hair and left it down. I read in a magazine that you need to show a stylist your hair as you want to wear it - so they can get an idea for the look, feel and texture of it before getting to work. Usually by the time I get to the salon my hair has been in a bun all week. So Today, I left my hair down, and 5 people have complimented me on it today. Seriously 5 people!

I wonder if psychologically I am just noticing it more, to deter myself from getting the haircut? But then that backfires on me because I still get the haircut, but I have a falsely positive view of my hair before the cut which only increases the margin of disappointment.

Maybe it's just part of the whole "Change is hard for people" phenomenon.

I'll have to keep you posted as to my post haircut experience.

The Catastrophizer rises again!

2007-05-14T16:34:00.000-04:00

As many of you who read my blog know, my mother is a Catastrophzer.
To recap, a Catastrophizer is someone who turns every situation, every potential set back or problem into a catastrophe.
It's like the opposite of being on Prozac.
We're talking about someone who sees the possible worst in every situation.

My Mom has left on a trip, a pilgrimage to Jerusalem last Tuesday. And while she left us an itinerary, she left no contact numbers.

I thought this was impressive - even more so, was the fact that she hadn't called in since she left. Weird, but I didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I figured she was just enjoying her time, and decided not to check-in.

Yesterday afternoon the phone rings:

"Hello"
"Hi, is this Mira?"
"Yes it is"
"Hi my Mom is your Mom's roommate on the trip to Israel and she asked me to call you to have you call her, here's the number..."
"Oh, ok, thanks"
"Listen, they're in the dining room right now, but she asked that you call her right away, so when you get through to the Hotel, ask for the dining room"
"Oh, ok, thanks"

So I do as I was asked and dutifully call the hotel dining room, interrupting the dinner of numerous guests.
And the staff finally gets my Mom on the phone.

"Hi Nana" (my nickname for her)
"Hi ya Habibti" (Arabic endearment)
"So how's your Trip?" - Now I should have known better than to just straight out ask this question, foolish me.
"Oh! You can not believe, I have a cold, I can barely lift my head off the pillow, I am taking Advil every day, it's terrible!"

"That's ok Mom, it's just a cold, take some medicine and enjoy the tours"
"Oh yes, well my roommate has some antibiotics, so I will take some from her, because this cold is just unbearable"
"What! Mom, you can't take somebody else's antibiotics - plus, it's just a cold"
"No, you don't understand, if I don't take the antibiotics, maybe I get Typhoid!"
"Mom, when's the last time you heard about someone getting Typhoid from a cold? anyways - have you been talking any pictures?"

"Well, nothing really, the cameras are no good, they don't encourage me to take pictures?"
"What are you talking about? You haven't taken any pictures?"
"No, I took 2 rolls full, but I'm just saying the cameras are no good, and the place is so much more beautiful than the pictures I am taking. Probably they will be ugly pictures!"

"Ok, so, so far you've complained to me about your health and your cameras, and it's cost me probably $30 to hear it, and now your dinner's cold - was there anything else you wanted to tell me about?" - Did I actually say that out loud? Have I succumbed to the Catastrophizer that runs in my blood, or am I simply shooting her with a dose of her own medicine.
Please Lord, let it be the latter!

"No, that's everything" - said so despondently, it almost sounds as if she's sad that she's not miserable about anything else!!

"Ok, well have a great time! Enjoy your experience!"
"Ok thanks, bye"

Even across an ocean, the Catastrophizing is strong with this one.

Back to the Grind

2007-04-25T13:31:00.000-04:00

Wow!! It takes little to no time to stumble back into the realities of life after a vacation.

One glorious week of no responsibilities, no cooking, no mandatory waking-up. Reading for pleasure always and only.

One 3 hour and 45 minute cramped flight back - and BOOM, life hits again, going full throttle.

Not that my life is bad, it's not at all, I mostly like my life. But sometimes I wish it would just sit in a bin waiting for me to choose it as opposed to flooding me.

It was like coming back to work today - after a week and a half off - my e-mail inbox was overloaded, and it took me most of my morning to go through it. It would have been nice if I could have only seen one e-mail, and asked for the next one when I was ready.

Or the fact that my Mom had been saving up everything she would normally talk to me about in the course of a week, and crammed it all into the first 2 hours of my being home.

Plus the laziness that a vacation breeds is not helping - I haven't finished unpacking yet.

And I haven't even been back for a full day, and magically I am already counting the hours until today is finished - working my way to the week-end.

So here's to Friday @ 4pm - 2 and a half days away and counting ...

The Golden Chisel of Opportunity

2007-04-09T19:11:00.000-04:00

Lat night I had Easter dinner over at the Schnekenburgers - 'cause my family deserted me for a 5 hour church service, but we won't talk about that.

Also at Easter dinner were Austin and Emma. So we were all sitting around post-feast, in a bit of an overindulgence coma as a result of the amazing meal Joslyn had made. We got to talking about relationships, and more specifically hooking-up (how is it I always end up in weird conversations about relationships or sex or some other odd thing?).
We got to talking about what a good way to meet somebody else would be. And at one point in the conversation because of several things I had said Austin made the comment that I had ruled out any opportunities to meet anybody else. (I don't remember the exact words he said, but it was mostly to that effect).
So my response was as follows:
"No, no, don't misunderstand me , it's NOT like I'm over here in my block of ice and only the select few with the golden chisel of opportunity have a chance, that's not what I'm saying"
to which of course the ever witty and astute Austin replied "Come on Mir, if you're in a block of ice, that chisel is useless - gold is way to soft to work through that - it's gonna need a diamond tip or something - maybe a Hammer of Justice!"
(again, I'm sure I'm messing up the quotes just a little, but the essence shines through!)
We all had a great laugh about it last night, it was a super funny moment.

Now I've been home all day (called in sick this morning - I think the after effects of the overindulgence coma of last night) and I've been kind of really thinking about that conversation we had yesterday. I was having some difficulty articulating what I was thinking and what I felt.

I was talking about how I have a difficult time with any kind of singles thing where the focus is finding a boyfriend or girlfriend. I used Internet dating as an example. I just feel it's too focused for lack of a better word. Again, I am struggling to pin-point what I mean.
I also said that I don't like the idea of a stranger coming up to someone and saying something like "hey, can I give you my number?". In the conversation somewhere was also my belief that the men should be doing the chasing, and that I personally was not comfortable with being forward. I think that's where the whole - how are you suppose to meet him if he's not allowed to talk to you thing came up - which was the precursor to my golden chisel comment above.

Ok - so in my ponderings today, I think I can better express what it is that bothers me. I have a problem with being judged based on my appearance. Ok before getting into the details, let me put up a disclaimer - I am not suggesting that my beliefs are right, or that opposing or different views are wrong. I just want to tell you what I figured out I believe.

My issue has several aspects:

1. I have a deep routed belief that someone who makes a judgement like "I want to go out with you" based on your appearance - is only really interested in having sex with you, deep down.

2. I think that the best anyone has to offer should be more than just how they look.

3. I think that my inside is not accurately reflected by my outside - and I want to be valued for the things that I consider valuable like my smarts and my sense of humour and people friendliness. (then I started thinking if this is what all smart ugly people say or think because they can never be good looking) (don't worry, I don't think I'm ugly)

4. Which makes me secretly (well not so secretly anymore I guess) scared that if all I have to start with is how I look - nobody worthwhile is ever going to take the time to find out the stuff about me that I think is more important.

5. I definitely have a serious discomfort with blatant sexuality. As an adjunct, I fell uncomfortable with being "checked-out" or - well you know what I mean.

Whew!! Ok I know that's probably way more information than anybody wanted know about me - and to be honest maybe a little more than I wanted to know about myself. But I have this nasty habit of analyzing human behaviour - you'd think it was my job or something;)

So I blogged it to have record of it. So that I couldn't just have figured it out today, and then let it fade. The secret to learning something about yourself is figuring out if that knowledge encourages you to do something differently. Because it's the change in behaviour that changes your life. So I didn't want my thoughts from today to fade into nothing.

My recurring work dreams

2007-04-02T14:43:00.000-04:00

Ugh!
It's been about 5 days now that I have not been sleeping well. Every night I wake-up a couple of times and I seem to be consistently thinking about work and even dreaming about work.

Now this may not seem to be a big deal to anyone else, but my typical pattern is that I have trouble falling asleep - because I'm a night-owl - but once I'm asleep - I am dead to the world. I don't remember dreaming, I don't get up in the middle of the night to go to the restroom, nothing - and when it's time to wake-up it takes an army of angry Vikings to shake the sleep off me and get my butt out of bed.

I also NEVER remember my dreams - most nights it's like I just closed my eyes, when my AM alarm goes off.

So lately I haven't really remembered the details of all these work dreams - but I distinctly remember that they have all been about work. On Saturday morning, I work-up with a to do list for work, and had to remind myself that it's the week-end!

And every night I give myself a little pep-talk about this dreaming business - I say "Now Miriam, you have a rich life, with many good thing - you will not dream about work, there is more to your life than work!"
Yeah - so far it hasn't been working. I think actually I am probably at this point priming myself to dream about work - I have created a psychological association through Pavlovian conditioning. Mind you I'm not really sure what the reward is in my conditioning cycle.

So I am going to try and pick something to dream about instead - and give myself a pep-talk about that before bed every night and see what happens.

Hey do you think that if I dream about working out, then everyday I will somehow get a little more fit - and maybe wake-up with sore muscles? Because I am psychologically working out? That would be awesome!! But definitely sounds too good to be true.

Any ideas on what I should be trying to dream about?

Finally!!

2007-03-25T19:13:00.000-04:00

Here are some pics of my finally completed Blanket in it's goal or ultimate purpose of my bed cover.

A Compendium of un-useless facts

2007-03-20T17:58:00.000-04:00

For anybody who knows me, you know how much I love information.
My ambition is to have "She died knowing it all" inscribed on my tombstone - and for it to be the truth. (N.B. that does not make me a Know-it-all)

Flowing from that, it only makes sense that Trivial Pursuit is my favourite board game, and that I am lousy at not being the winner when I play.

While I am not usually a competitive person, there's just something about not "ruling the roost" in the knowledge of trivia domain.

I also got a cool book as a gift on my birthday. I have been very occupied with work and other endeavours and have been a slow reader later - but this book is hilarious - and right up my alley!

So the premise of this novel is a magazine editor who decided to read his way through the entire Encyclopedia Britannica.
The chapters are divided by alphabet - 26 chapters in all.

And here's the kicker, and the part that truly makes me a geek (which by the way the term originated in the circus - it referred to performers who would bite the heads off chickens).

I love learning the fact and trivia in this novel. By the way the definition of Geek is courtesy of Jeopardy.

For example did you know that Berserkers where fierce Norse warriors, who went into battle naked. Hence the term "going berserk" should actually include an element of nudity.

Or that Abalones (an oyster like sea creature) have 5 distinct orifices dedicated to excrement.

So I've only read up to chapter C - but I am so excited about all the new things I am going to learn.

Now the only problem is that these are not everyday conversation pieces of information. So be forewarned that my spewing of interesting but not immediately useful information may slightly increase in the near future.

Do I have Stupid Stamped on my Forehead?

2007-03-12T18:02:00.000-04:00

Ok so Friday after work I went to the mall to buy a new coat.

I went into a store and found a pretty great coat, only the zipper was missing the piece that you hold on to to push or pull it. (sorry don't know what that little piece is called)

And that's where the Stupid-fest started. I felt like this sales lady just assumed that I must be the stupidest and most ignorant person alive, and kept making the same assumption over and over again.

Our conversation started something like this:

The zipper is broken on this coat
Oh, no you just need to go slowly, don't rush the zipper
No seriously, the zipper is broken
It's not broken, it works just fine, you only have to go slowly (she proceeds to zip up the jacket - of course she is having trouble because she has nothing to hold on to).
Ok, fine, this zipper is incomplete
There's nothing wrong with this zipper.
Listen, this is not the condition in which you received this coat, there is a piece of it missing.
No no no, there is no problem.
This is not how this zipper started out
the zipper is fine, it works.

So I give up this loosing battle with the lady. I decide to take another tactic:

Do you have another one of this coat? One with a complete zipper.
No sorry this is the last one.
Ok can you call around to other stores please to see if they might have one

Now the woman heaves this huge sigh, and take the coat over to the computer which we are both facing and scans the barcode.
She says to me "No there are no other stores that have this coat".

Now remember that I am facing the computer screen with her, and can see clearly that she is lying through her teeth.

"Actually your computer says that there is one in my size at Fairview, can you call there for me please?"

Another huge sigh, she pulls the catalog out from under her desk and proceeds to call Fairview (doing things as slowly as possible, and it's like I asked her to write up an international peace treaty or something).

She gets off the phone after about 4 minutes and turns to me and says "No sorry they don't have it".
"Your computer clearly says that they do"
"Well it's only updated once a day, so they may have sold it last night or early today"

Finally, she has said something that I will actually believe!

"So what am I going to do, the zipper is broken"
"No no, I told you it's not broken, you just have to go slowly, you can't rush a zipper".

Not this talk again!
I am unbelievably frustrated at this point, so I just exhale sharply and turn around to leave the store.

Now the woman calls out to me - "Maybe I could give you 10% off"
So of course I turn back around.

She takes the coat to ring it up and looks at the tag. Now this coat has already been discounted more than 50% - so she pauses and says "If I give you this discount I will get in trouble".

At this point I resist the urge to say "But the zipper is broken!" and just stare at her.
So she says to me "Ok, Ok I will give you the discount, just give me a second to figure out how I can scan it into the system so I don't get in trouble".
I respond with "Do whatever you've got to do".

In the end I did end up with my coat. But the whole ordeal had me thinking about just how stupid this woman was assuming I was. And how strictly she was sticking to that hypothesis despite the fact that I didn't reinforce her belief.

We were staring at the same zipper, the same computer screen, and yet she insisted on flat out lying to me, over and over again. Somehow magically believing that I would just say "oh, ok".

I don't like to share

2007-02-27T13:22:00.000-05:00

Yesterday at work, one of the senior managers, a director actually asked if she could use my computer because hers was not working and she had to do something "time sensitive".
What, am I going to say No to a director - of course I let her, and I walked away to give her privacy. But then I had this weird dream last night that she was Internet gambling, and I'm the one who's going to get whacked with it.

It's true, I don't like to share.
I am an only child, I never had to learn how to share.

Actually I don't like to share is probably not very accurate. It's more like I don't like people messing with my stuff.

I don't always like lending things out, it stresses me. For example I lent my Friend Deanna my Season 10 of FRIENDS like 3 months ago, and I haven't seen her since. Every time I see the gap in my media library, I get the sweats a little.

I hate lending out one of my books or DVD only to get it back tattered, the spine broken, juice spilled on the pages, etc.
I had a friend once, she was suppose to be my best friend. I lent her a book, finally worked up the guts to ask for it back like 2 years later, and she actually laughed at me when I asked "Like I could find it now!" was her response.

I hate when my cousins are over in the summer - yep, like 6 or 7 extra people living in my house for like 3 months. They just come into my room and put a DVD into the player, don't put the old one back in the proper case, just leave stuff out on my bed. They used to never rewind videos either when they were finished with them. My perfume has all bee tried, and I know of course because the caps are all over the place, never put back on the bottles.

Whenever I would complain to my Mom, she told me I was bad at sharing because I grew up to be "selfish" as an only child.

But seriously - is it so hard to give me back my stuff in a timely manner in the condition you received it?!
And I wouldn't have said no to my cousins using my TV/DVD player, Perfume etc, I just wanted to be consulted first. You know, recognized as the owner of said stuff.

So please consider this my warning to you - please don't mess with my stuff. If you do I might just ......... politely and very apologetically ask you not to?

Maybe that's my problem!

The Trouble with Boys

2007-02-19T13:03:00.000-05:00

Ok I've got a beef.

I am going to make a general statement here, and in my experience it is 100% true (yep, 100%)
When a guy is not interested, instead of letting you know he's not interested, he wusses out and just doesn't call you back - even if he tells you he will call you.

I'm a nice girl, and I've been on dates where I do not click with the person I'm with, and I call them and tell then that we didn't click.
It's not rude or impolite, in fact I think it's very respectful.

Here's how the conversation usually goes:

Me: Hi
Guy: Hi
Me: I had a nice evening, and enjoyed meeting you last week/night/Wednesday/etc
Guy: yeah, me too
Me: I just didn't feel like we connected as I was hoping we would
Guy: uhhhhh
Me: But I did have a nice evening, thanks for lunch/dinner/movie/etc, and good luck with (whatever we talked about on the date)
Guy: yeah, thanks, you too

See, not so huge.
It's not like it's easy for me to make that call, but I figure it's the respectful thing to do.

So why the heck don't guys do that?? And if you're not going to call, for heaven's sake don't say you're going to call.

That's my beef.
I get it if you're not interested, and I'm ok with that (there's lots of times when I'm not interested either) , just tell me nicely.

Installing Love

2007-02-14T12:08:00.000-05:00

Tech Support: Yes, how can I help you?
Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?
Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now.Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running?
Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its owncalled High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invokeForgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge andResentment have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components." What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.
Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.
Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.
God/Tech Support: You're Welcome, Anytime.

** disclaimer, this is not my original work, someone sent it to me as a forward, and I wanted to share it. I don't know who the author is**

Has anybody checked their vibration frequency recently?

2007-02-06T09:25:00.000-05:00

So while drowning in work - relief is on the horizon, in a couple of weeks I hope.
I have surfaced for air on a couple of minute occasions.

And my, my what interesting tidbit my trips to the surface have brought.

First off I spent a week-end on a church retreat. My church joined with 2 other churches for a 20-somethings retreat. And while I may be on the upper end of 20-something, I'm still technically in my twenties, so I went.

So here are a couple of things I learned on this retreat (which by the way, I did enjoy):

1. I was born in a desert country and my body was made for HEAT! This freezing, every building heated by a measly fire is not an option for me. I was practically sitting in the fire, and I still managed to feel cold almost the entire week-end.

2. Christians get married ridiculously young. It seemed that almost everybody between the ages of 21 and 25 is either married or engaged. And here's my theory about that
- In my humble estimation, I think Christians get married young to circumvent pent up desire.
- because like 98% of Christians get married young, if you're over 25, Christian and unmarried, there is a REASON you are single. I realize that this theory paints me in a particularly unfavourable light (I am Christian, over 25 and single), but I stand by it.

3. Weird is never a synonym for endearing. While most people at the retreat were married or in a couple, the few REASONS were like beacons for the whole REASON theory (see #2 above). There was the cowboy-hat-guy (I don't know his name). He was just as eager to sit in the fire as I was, but while I would go early to get the closest seat, he would come late and squeeze himself on the ground by the mantle, asks me "schootch a little" and then I would sit squished for the entire session, while he spread out like he owned an acre of real-estate. Where does such a skinny guy get off taking up 3 times as much space as I do anyways?

4. You can never catch up on lost sleep. When I got home, I went to bed around 8pm, and somehow still don't feel fully recovered over a week later.

Following the Retreat the next Saturday, I went to my Running Clinic for the Nutrition talk. Well instead of nutrition, we learned about this thing called The Secret. Have you heard the Secret? Apparently it is a scientifically backed theory about the law of attraction. According to our speaker's explanation, we each attract what we put out there. And we put it out there based on the frequency that we are each vibrating. Hence, if we increase the frequency that we are vibrating, we then attract more positive things into our lives.
It's suppose to be on Oprah on Feb. 8th.

It sounded interesting enough to look into, I asked Mr. shaw about it - he sent me the link for it from Google Videos, but the picture is very grainy. I tried to watch it, but found the bad visual very distracting, I only got through like 2 minutes. Oh also, apparently each time you watch the video your body adjusts by increasing the basal frequency at which you're vibrating. So just watching is suppose to be a powerful boost.

I wonder if I could augment the frequency I'm vibrating at to scientifically vibrate the REASON right out of me?
I would not look forward to the experimentation process, but the results would be interesting.

Can't talk - working!

2007-01-24T16:56:00.000-05:00

Is anybody else drowning in work these days?
No relief in sight?

If I have one more person walk past my desk or send me an e-mail that starts "Oh, by the way" I think I may actually start to spit nails - machine gun style with no concern for casualties!

SO I've been pseudo promoted at work. I call it a pseudo promotion because it hasn't officially happened yet - I'm still technically suppose to be doing what I have been doing up to this point (in reality I find myself trying to juggle 2 full time jobs instead).

It comes with a pay raise of $0 - yes you read that right, $0.
Possibility or a raise in April.

And magically once it was announced, what people seemed to hear was - everybody call ME all at once for absolutely anything and everything.

The fact that it's year end doesn't help - because it seems to be that everybody else is feeling the same sense of drowning in their TO DO lists.

Currently mine is about 3 months worth of stuff to do, that I somehow have to complete in a couple of weeks, while continuing to do my old job, and oh yeah, train my replacement. If I can't train my replacement fast enough, that's just the more time I spend in my old job.

Plus it's not like my home is a haven, and I come home to a peaceful place to regenerate. Remember my Mother the catastrophizer? Yeah, the daily ins and outs of that can be demanding.

So I've decided that I'm going to go on strike. Yep, that's right a Strike from my life. Anybody want to join me? While I can't physically go anywhere, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my new job (which by the way, I am actually excited about, it should be a great role for me)I plan on in my head floating on an inner tube in the middle of the ocean for the better part of most days. With the exception of eating , bathroom breaks, sleep and TV - that's where I'll be. We could turn my inner tube into a raft - I am a social person, and would prefer to do nothing with someone else than all by myself anyways.

The Sky is Falling!

2007-01-16T16:00:00.000-05:00

DO you know anybody who is a catastrophizer?
You know what I mean, a person who makes mountains out of molehills.

My Mother is a catastrophizer to the nth degree.
Ever night before going to bed she is compelled to watch the weather forecast. And if the forecast is something like "tomorrow there is a 80% Probability of precipitation and we should receive about 3mm of rain". She interprets that as a storm of hurricane proportions and says "Ohhhhhhhhh, oh boy!" "What am I going to do tomorrow?"
"Why Mom, what's the matter?"
"There's going to be a storm tomorrow! I'm sure that the water on the ground will be so much that tires will spin and I will get water in the engine and the car will break. Then I will be late for work and will probably get fired. So then I will have no job and no money and no car, and no money to buy a new car, because my car broke from the rain".
**sigh, long slow exhale**

Or like for example when I put the first scratch on my new car. Yes, I put the first scratch on my own new car about a month after I got it. I did it with a snow shovel while shovelling the driveway. So I'm bummed about it and I tell my mom, and instead of giving me a soothing word "It's ok, just a small scratch, it was bound to get scratched eventually, no big deal" I get:
"Oh my God! What have you done! Now it will rust, probably tomorrow, then the rust will spread, and your entire car will fall apart, probably in a few years, maybe before you've finished paying it off!"
"Mom!! That's not helpful to me!"
"Oh, sorry, well maybe you could get it fixed. How much would that cost do you think? Probably more than the car cost you in the first place, so now you've paid double what your car is worth, but at least you'll still have a car."

Sometimes, when I'm in a very mischievous mood, I wonder what it would be like if I just fuelled the fire.
In my head the senario plays out like this:
"Mira, I think the sky is falling"
"Oh yeah Mom, didn't you know?"
"What? You know about this? Explain it to me!"
"Well, just like you said the sky is falling, scientists are predicting that the world is going to end next Thursday."
"Oh my, Thursday. What are we going to do?"
"There's nothing we can do, we just have to sit and wait to die"
"Well, if we're all going to die at once, then there's probably going to be a line-up at Heaven's gate, and what if I have to go to the bathroom! Then I'll loose my place, and have to wait even longer. I will probably end-up at the back of the line waiting to get into Heaven for all eternity!"

Poor Mom, for her the sky is always falling.

I'm Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick!

2007-01-09T18:05:00.000-05:00

Ugh!! I am so sick!
I can't breath through my nose.
I probably look like a Neanderthal gulping for breath with my mouth open at all times.

I feel like the guy in the dristan commercials rummaging in his basement for a power drill to "help" with his congestion.

I got sent home from work yesterday. Yep, my first day back from a whole week off, and my manager let me talk for a whole 5 minutes and discussed me going home. I worked from home for the afternoon yesterday.
Too bad I was too sick to enjoy it. There is something to be said for working from home.

I have only been home for about a day and half, and I was still working yesterday.
Today, I am sick, restless and bored!
Everytime I think, well if I'm restless and bored, do something, I start moving, exhaust myself in about 10 minutes and have to take a nap.

This is ridiculous!

So I've resolved that what I need is a germ cleansing. I stripped my bed, flipped my mattress, and opened the window. I changed my PJ's, and am going to take the world's hottest shower.
I am smoking these germs out baby - because I am so sick of being sick! (It's been 2 days)

In my delirium, I imagine the germs laughing at me -
"poke her there, ha ha ha"
"wait, let's make her gasp for breath again!"
"This is so great, I love torturing people, we're never leaving!"
I bet they're green and bubbly shaped and wearing army helmets with names like Gleeba and Rhonon.

Plus there's a reason why people work during the day, because the TV sucks! The only thing on is soap operas and daytime talk shows. I don't care if your cousin is your uncle and the father of your baby!
Maybe daytime TV is a government conspiracy to keep unemployment rates down?

So I'm smoking the germs out because I refuse to stay home again tomorrow!

Ah, How the body forgets - TRAITOR!

2007-01-06T12:09:00.000-05:00

So this morning I went to my first day of clinic with the Running Room. As some of you may know, I joined the Running Room in May, and have been trying to learn to run ever since.

So I had just completed the 5K clinic in December, and miraculously actually managed to run 5k by the end of the clinic. My first and only 5k was on the very last clinic night,and it took me 37 minutes to complete (doing the usual 10:1 run/walk program). This was a huge accomplishment for me. Most of my clinic mates had been running 5K for a good 3 weeks, but I had never broken the 25 minute barrier.

So I decided to take the 5K clinic again, in the hopes of both improving my endurance and speed. My goal is to finish the clinic able to run 5K somewhere under 35 minutes.

So today being day 1, we start off nice and slow to ease back into things, 5:1 for a total of 20 minutes, that's all. I figured it would be this leisurely run, where I got to know the new people and I wouldn't break much of a sweat or have laboured breathing.

HA!! My traitorous body had other ideas. It has been 4 weeks since I last run, and magically it feels like my body forgot that I have ever used it to run in any shape or form in the past. I was the last person in the group of 11 - last again! I was huffing and puffing and kept calling out to the facilitator "How much longer?" on a 5 minutes interval! How wussy am I??!!!!!

Then we get back to the store, our run is complete, everybody else is smiling, stretching gently, while I'm beet red, puffing vigorously and almost doubled over trying to get some strength back. It was like I was secretly running a marathon, while they all went on a Sunday stroll.

So new goal, just get through the 5K clinic - try to actually run the time allotted each week.

The Knitting Resolution Part Deux, and other 2007 accomplishments

2007-01-03T14:22:00.000-05:00

Ok, time for a Knitting Resolution update. Remember how in the original posts I mentioned how come January it would be 2 years that I have been working on this blanket. So the resolution was to work on it everyday until December 31st, in the hopes that it would be completed.

And I am nothing if not resolute, so I diligently carried my bag around everywhere I went - if you've seen me at all into he past 2 months, you probably never saw me sans my knitting.

Well it paid off- sort off. At 6:52pm on Monday January 1st, I put the last stitch into the body of my blanket. I bound off, and laid it on my bed - it covers the whole thing. I called my family upstairs, made a lamo drum roll sounds, and invited them into my room to view the almost completed Masterpiece.

So now all that is left is the border. I spend most of yesterday driving around to 3 different stores in order to find the right kind of circular needles (aparently really long ones are hard to find) and they were ridiculously expensive. I took the whole kit and caboodle over to Joslyn's who's going to teach me how to do the border.

Apparently there is a problem with figuring out how to space out the border stitches, so I had to leave my bag over at her house last night.

Kinda feels weird to be mostly done. I'll post a picture of it when it's completely finished. I'm considering charging admission for people to come and view it :)

So I didn't exactly accomplish my task, but I'm ok with how much I have left.
I also have not stuck to my other resolutions and we're only 3 days into the new year.

I resolved not to spend any money in January (other than Gas, and regular bills) - and I bought those crazy pricey circular needles yesterday along with some wool to make a scarf.

Plus other incidental fees, I couldn't stop myself from spending.

I wonder why people even bother making New Year's Resolutions, it's kind of like purposefully setting yourself up for failure and disappointment.
Like saying "Hey, I think I'm going to pick on something I suck at, and then act totally shocked and disbelieving when I can't manage to become awesome at it within a day or two".

Maybe next year I'll make some un-resolutions, like sucky things, I will embrace sucking at.

Bye Bye Humbug

2006-12-28T13:43:00.000-05:00

Well Christmas is over. All the exchanging of gifts, eating, eating and more eating is slowly tapering off.

And I always find it weird how we spend almost a month in anticipation of Christmas, carols on the radio, parties, all sorts of hoop-la-la and then once boxing day hits,it's all gone. All the decorations have been taken down. Everybody starts stressing about the holiday weight they gained, and taking about the diet and exercise they plan on starting in January.

No more Christmas music, Christmas trees, gift packages in the stores.

And the build-up to New Year's Eve isn't nearly as huge. Which is probably a good thing considering how anti-climactic new year's can be.
It's usually just a couple of days of deciding on plans, then that's it.

As I had mentioned previously, I don't generally get reflective at this time of year, I save my soul searching/goal setting for around my Birthday. So there is really not much going on right now. Back at work - same old, same old.

It's a little sad. What I love most about Christmas (not including the whole God becoming Flesh thing, to offer me eternity) is how social everybody becomes. I love going to parties, exchanging gifts, baking cookies, not really doing any work, etc...
And suddenly on December 26th, it all goes away.

Circle of life stuff I guess.

On a totally unrelated topic - People (doesn't have to be just ladies) book your calendars for Friday, January 19th. It's time for another Needle Crafts evening (I don't want to use the little bit naughty name).
7:30pm and onwards at my house.

The Day of No Work

2006-12-21T14:46:00.000-05:00

'Twas the week before Christmas
and all through the office
No one was working
not even the Bosses

The phone lines were silent
no ringing at all
We were all in anticipation of the Holiday Ball

Employees were nestled all snug at their desks
While visions of Vacation days danced in their heads

My pod-mate was net-surfing and I took a nap.
When out from the Board Room there arose such a clatter.
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

When what to my unbelieving eyes should appear
but the Senior Director drinking a beer.
He invited all into the Ball
There was food, wine and gifts, which he offered us all.

As we ate and ate and ate some more
he offered his well wishes to us each one and all.

Then in amazement the clock struck three.
"Hey, It's time to go home
Whoo Hooo, Hee hee".

The scary part is not only that I had the time to make this up at work, but also how close to my actual day it is.

Comments!

2006-12-14T07:40:00.000-05:00

Ok I don't know why I's not working but I have been unable to post comments on several blogs since people have switched to the BETA version.

If you know me, you can imagine how it must be for my Psyche to not be able to "talk".

So I figured I'd just comment here:

Ghanima
You're better than I am, I am great at keeping other people's secrets (good thing considering my profession) but lousy at keeping my own (see previous entry entitled "Can you keep a Secret")

I also wanted to concur with you on the somewhat prohibitive nature of a public forum such a blog. I would say more (and did in the comment I tried to post), but you never know who might be reading ;)

Joy
I wanted to encourage you about being evaluated at the school this week. I know how stressful it can be, but I also already knew that you are a great and dedicated teacher, so it came as no surprise to me that you rocked it!

And that's all I have to say about that!

In other news, we had our Children's Christmas musical at Church this past Sunday morning. It took place in a Toy Store, and most of the kids played toys that come to life. While I didn't miss the point, it ended with me thinking just how much I would like to own a Miss Glamour doll - ok you caught me, BE a Miss Glamour doll, complete with Mr. Glamour doll, SUV (with leather seats) and beach house.

Short Staffed

2006-12-12T17:34:00.000-05:00

Lately people have been dropping like flies in my workplace.
whether they quit or go on Short-term-disability, we are way low on people!!
I think we are missing a minimum of like 5 people.

Yesterday there was 1 person working intake on any given shift, I was the only bilingual person working for the morning and there was 1 other counsellor. And between the 3 of us we managed our second highest call volume ever!

And it must have been a full moon or something because almost every counselling call I took was about a Domestic Violence situation.

No wonder I came home with a headache and missed my run with the Running Room.

It's amazing to me that we haven't exploded or something.

Sometimes I get this weird mental picture of our heads expanding like balloons while on the phone with a caller. Then eventually the balloon gets stretched too thin, and explodes! In my weird David lynch style fantasy, nobody notices, and the caller keeps talking on the phone, business resumes as usual.

Then eventually the cleaning staff come in and just vacuum away the balloon pieces, and magically everybody comes back the next day and it all happens over again - kind of like the movie "Groundhog Day" from the darkside.

Well enough of my morbid thoughts - only 13 days until Christmas - then that's 2 days of celebrating, gifts, eating and sweet relief from work!!

I think it's also a busy time of year in general. Do people ever slow down?

Egads, THE TIRED has returned

2006-12-08T22:20:00.000-05:00

When I first started at my current job, I started on the overnight shift. 11pm-7am or 12 midnight-8am 5 days a week.

I learned rather quickly that I am not good at being up all night, all the time.

The only time working overnights worked in my favour, was when we did the all night Lord of The Rings Trilogy, all 3 extended versions - I was the only person who didn't fall asleep even once.

Within a couple of weeks of starting, I was falling asleep anywhere and everywhere. Trust me it's embarrassing when you get caught having fallen asleep in church because you closed your eyes when the Pastor says "let us pray" and didn't open them again until 25 minutes after he was finished praying.

It didn't matter how many hours of consecutive sleep I was getting during the day - trust me I was sleeping for like 10 hours a day, I just couldn't stop being tired.

I would be going along, doing just fine, alert, awake, smiling and joking, and then BAM! Exhausted and can't fight against it. It would happen at work too, in the middle of a shift. So I named the phenomenon THE TIRED.

Because we're talking about more than just being tired here, we're talking about a wave of exhaustion that hits suddenly, is all encompassing and you are powerless to fight it.

To put it in the monumental terms of a comic book - ahem, sorry I mean graphic novel: as Kryptonite is to Superman, so THE TIRED is to me.

So THE TIRED kind of went into retirement as a nemesis pretty quickly after I was switched off the night shift. But there have been some bouts of time when THE TIRED has tried for a comeback.

First there was the era of the ON-call shift. Pretty much working my day job and then being paged all night 3 or 4 nights a week. THE TIRED had a short but successful run at that time.

And somehow tonight THE TIRED is back. I hope it's just a one night appearance.
I woke-up at 6am as usual to the sound of running water, as usual (and amazingly it doesn't make me have to pee frantically anymore).
I got to work for the start of my 7am shift.
I went to an appointment after work at 4pm.
I got home for 5:30pm, made and had supper.
I went to the People's Church production of "Two from Galilee" where my friend Kellen plays Joseph (two enthusiastic thumbs up).
And as the musical ended, THE TIRED struck.
Now I'm home, I still have to make a trifle for tomorrow - and I'm going to be in a seminar all day before the celebrations of the evening.
And I can't move my butt off this computer chair.

zzzzzzz...............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........

what was that? oh right sorry, gotta make a trifle.

Oy, Humbug!

2006-12-04T10:14:00.000-05:00

Ok, so if you don't frequent Emma's blog, check out a snipet of our Knitting Extravaganza on Friday night.

In other news, is anybody else more Chirstmassy than usual this year?

I have found over time that Christmas gets less and less Christmassy for me over the years.
I remember being so excited to go to the mall, buy gifts, sit on Santa's lap, wake-up on Christmas morning, eat, eat and eat.

I'm not sure if it's about me getting older or just that time changes things, but I get less and less Christmas-like every year. Now I grumble about having to take the tree out of storage, decorating it, having to take it all down and put it away, baking treats (who has time, and they're not healthy to eat). I complain about traffic, parking lots and slow moving revellers in the mall, who keep stopping right in my way. I moan about how many gifts I have to buy, how much it's going to cost me, and the pain that wrapping is (doesn't help that I suck at wrapping gifts).

But this year, somehow the Christmas spirit has come on full force.
I enjoyed putting up the tree, and decorating it.
I finished all my Christmas shopping in November - and have happily avoided the malls. I listen to Christmas music and hymns in the car and sing along unashamedly.

It's great, but weird - because it's such a turn around.
I don't know what bug bit me, but I think that if I could bottle it, I'd like to get bit every year. This is much more fun than most Christmasses, and not nearly as stressful.

So, if you're having an Oy, Humbug! Holiday - maybe we can figure out to bottle the Christmas Spirit bug and share the joy.

Living in the Past

2006-11-27T19:18:00.000-05:00

Isn't it amazing how much of life is a mater of timing? Like in a bad soap opera, you overhear the wrong part of a conversation, take it out of context, and put into a play a series of events that permanently alter your path.

It always surprises me that despite the outlandish nature of soaps, the framework is not that far off reality.

And then we spend most of our adult lives with these weird habits, beliefs and idiosyncrasies (like having to finish all the food on your plate). All instilled into us from our childhoods - where we spend most of our time complaining about this that or the other that our parents did.

Or we carry it into our jobs and our friendships, our relationships. And we have all these weird issues about what should be benign stuff.

Then we use all these mind reading tricks and assign meaning and ulterior motives to other's behaviours.

And somehow we never figure out that if we just put our assumptions aside, and talked to people, instead of trying to "figure them out" life would just flow so much more smoothly.

I guess I have noticed lately that we all seem to be living wrapped in our pasts. I noticed originally because I remember being curious about how upset people were getting about things I didn't think were that big a deal.

At first I wanted to attribute it to my maturity - but then I smartened up and got to thinking about everybody's buttons.

So, I don't know if there is anything I can do about it, but I sure hope to try not to live trapped in my past and be upfront and straightforward with others.

That being said, I know I've never brought it up before, but I've been wanting to talk to you about .......

Final Jeopardy

2006-11-22T20:42:00.000-05:00

I actually guessed the final Jeopardy question correctly today.
That never happens!
Mind you, so did all the contestants, so it was probably an easy one - but I got it right, and that made me smile.

That's all I have to say about that.

Ah Nostalgia!

2006-11-19T15:40:00.000-05:00

The past couple of weeks have been a walk down memory lane in all sorts of ways.

It started with meeting my old boyfriend for drinks- which turned into dinner, and then spread into the bulk of the night a couple of Thursdays ago.

It was a good night, we played catch-up (it has been 6 years), and reminisced a little bit about our "cult of the green carpet" days.

Back in OAC year me, my pre-ex, my best friend and his best friend we sort of an inseparable foursome. We would spend every Friday night, Saturday and Sunday together. Usually one or 2 others might join us, but we were the core. Mostly we hung out in Steve's basement - which had a green carpet. Hence our cult name.

Then I bought Beverly Hills 90210 Season 1 on DVD - it came out on November 7th. I loved this show while in High School. And I have been watching episodes whenever I can. Even just the beginning of the credits brings back great memories!

Then last night I went to the Audio Adrenaline Farewell Concert (last one, they're retiring). So mix the music I started listening to like 15 years ago with going with my old church (the friends I was going with had a last minute emergency, so I hooked-up with my old church), and you have a potent memory lane mix.

I spent most of the night with my old best friend (same as above) and her now husband (the other guy from above). It was like Memory Lane overload.

interestingly, in my dinner conversation, when I talked about feeling nostalgic, he told me "well none of our relationships have stayed the same".

So I guess nostalgia or not, there is no staying in the Good Old Days, life marches forward whether you want it to or not.

My Knitting Resolution

2006-11-14T12:40:00.000-05:00

Ok - you can directly blame this on my friend Kevin (unbeknownst to him)- I have been reading his blog recently and he recently posted about what he calls "The November Resolution"

So thanks to Kevin I now have "The Knitting Resolution" - well I just borrowed the name form from him.

I consider myself still a fairly new knitter even though I've been doing it for about 6 years now.
I have analyzed myself (ah Physcian, heal thyself) and I figured out why I have completed very few projects. I am a results kind of girl, and when I can't see the results of my labour quickly enough, I get easily put off. Couple that with the 98% social me - while knitting is usually a solitary activity, you can see how I tend not to participate all the time.

I am continually surprised with just how social I am. Just last night, I was late for my running group, and started out alone to catch-up with them. I couldn't run more than 3 minutes at a time, I stopped to walk frequently, and I was ripping myself a new one with my negative self talk - it went something like this "you're pathetic, who did you think you were kidding, you can't run, you can barely walk for 4 minutes straight, look at you, huffing and puffing all out of breath, you've only been out a few minutes - you belong on a couch, lazy and fat forever, just accept it" It was truly awful, I don't think I've talked to myself like that before. Then I catch-up to my running group - actually they caught up to me, because they turned around halfway. And I ran the rest of the way back - we even raced for the last 6 minutes, no problem. It was like a Jeckle and Hyde experience.

Anyways, back to our regularly scheduled programming, I have this Afghan I've been working on - it's my first. I've made sweaters, scarves, hats, dishtowels, and baby booties before, but this is my first blanket.
So I started it January of 2005 - that's right 2005! Which means that this January it will be 2 years, and I'm only 1/3 of the way through.
So I decided last week that I will endeavour to work on my blanket every day, every SINGLE day until December 31st and hopefully I will be almost done by then.

So far it's been 8 days, and I've managed to work on it for 7 of them. I even brought my bundle to work today to get my quota in.

So you can call me on it - hopefully I'll have a blanket to show you in January - Hopefully.